Published September 9, 2009
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
First of all, I can understand your thoughts on the issue. When I have looked back at some of my earlier works I am appalled by the punctuation and other mistakes of grammar. But still, I think that if you want people to read your work, you need to take the time to go back and correct those errors. Since this is all you're giving people, it is a natural assumption that this is how all of your writings will be, and since a reader almost has to struggle through this, there really isn't a whole lot of initiative to want to read more.
I think that you think everyone can just automatically assume you've learned these thing. But, we can't. It's human nature to believe it when we see it, most of the time that is, and you just telling us that this is actually a great piece of work that you've spent a lot of time on is something that is harder to believe since you haven't taken the time to go back and correct your errors so people get a good first impression on it.
I really don't think that you've said this time and time again all over the sight, because reading your response to my comment was something new that I did not read before. Even your earlier comment does not include some of the insight you gave me in the one that you posted after my review. I appreciate the time you've taken to respond to my review inparticular. It really does help me see your point of view on it. Although I know I repeated some things, those are the things I thought you really needed to correct. But I also know that some things I had in my review were not in others (such as the suggestion about the drums)
And I was saying there is no explantion in the first chapter about what Eligan, not the Arcon unit is. Since Eligan is the main place this is happening,which you explained in a later post not a part of the chapter, I feel a little explantion that this is a world is needed.
I think this piece is probably very good, long, but if you did ever submit this to a publisher with the first chapter having so many grammatical mistakes, I'm really not sure what would happen. I think you can correct this without feeling like this chapter is under attack or that we just don't understand your writing. We're really on here to help.
Also something that has just occured to me.
The line you pick out about the Arcon unit and then say there is no explanation or back story?.
Is that sentence not immediatlly followed with a paragraph of explanation concerning what the Arcon unit is?.
Hey Silversun, Thank you for your comments.
Even though I welcome all forms of constructive criticism and I would rather someone picked out where i had gone wrong rather than what they enjoyed, I must say there are certain things people just seem to be repeating when it comes to this extract.
First, Yes i know the paragraphing is not right, I don't know what went on there if i knew how to fix it i would.
Second, As i have said time and time again all over this site, Yes i understand this piece has an issue with punctuation. This is actually a very long book and too me a few years to write, so obviously I myself matured and learned new things as i was writing it.One of the meain reasons for me posting this extract was becasue it was pretty much my baby steps into the world of fiction writing. I have since finished this book and a number of others inwhich spelling punctuation and grammer are not a problem as i have learned these skills as i went along.
Lastley, The reason that there is little or no explanation as to when, where, who and what, Has i think already been proved through peoples repsponces here. I didn't want it to be immediatlly apparent that this was not set on Earth, I wanted people to start puzzeling over the strange names and words. As the book goes on there are actually great thundering sub-chapters with lots and lots of detailed back stories, historical notes and other facts. (the appendices on their own are over 100 pages.
But like i have previously said i coul not really jump a few chapters in and leave the reader completeley guessing. If anyone wishes to read the rest of the book i will be happy to e-mail it to them free of charge. But i just want everyone to remember this is just a taster.
Hello, I tried to be quite in depth and do my job right.
I would put, "over the field of the impending battle." It's an alright opener, since it mostly draws a reader in, wondering why there is going to be a battle.
You have a habit of never capitalizing the first letter of your dialogue. It's all throughout this piece.
This sentence should be like this:
"They are starting to move," Broodmarsh replied, "We had better make ready for the first advance."
There needs to be a comma here along with capitalization. Like this:
"Yes sir," said Solin before turning back to face the men.
I think the but is unnecessary.
This is my last time commenting on these, I swear haha, but it should be like the example I gave you above.
Instead of this, I would merely describe the sound. Like, "the beat was harsh and fimiliar and rang in their ears" or something of the sort.
Do "the bleeders" have any meaning? Or is it just slang for something? In either case, it wouldn't hurt to be explained.
Although I kind of like this part, I still think it'd be better to describe the fact the drums are growing closer and closer.
Up until this point you've given us absolutely no information other than a battle was taking place. We don't know who it's between or even a little backstory on this issue. You say you've created this world, but you don't create it for the reader. While it may be very detailed and alive in your head, the reader does not get any story about it. See, this is the main part I'm not getting from the story. You explain it a little, but not enough for us to fully feel like we can know this world and connect to it. Without this connection the reader will lose interest and soon put the 'book'down.
Now there is nothing wrong with this line. It's perfectly fine, in fact. but I became confused when you switched Broodmarsh to Erinack. It was rather sudden, and I believe they are the same person, but even after re-reading I cannot be sure.
Good luck editing all this and if you have any questions at all, P.M. me.
Kate
Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.
Your opening was a bit hard to follow and just a touch boring. I'd have loved to see longer paragraphs, since in this case the short, one line-paragraphs makes me feel like a typewriter going back and forth. It also feels like you're over-emphasizing each line when we really don't need it. I found myself getting jaded at how much you seemed to be emphasizing each line, which made me want to turn away. Try combining some of those lines into longer paragraphs and only breaking for a change in idea or when you actually want to emphasize something important.
Also, dialogue grammar and punctuation is lacking here. Dialogue should have a capital letter to start and a period or comma at the end. If you're using "said" or a word like it to describe the dialogue, use a comma (Like so: "Hi Jen," he said) if you have an action unrelated to the dialogue, use a period (Like so: "Hi Jen." He smiled nervously. "What's up?")
PM me with any questions.
~Rosey
That is one of the reasons i was aprehensive about posting the story on this site. It doesnt actually take place in any earthly setting, Eligan is a place of my own creation, I did this so i was not bound by any perticular historical or cultural ties.
The loading of the gun i think is an important section as it allows the reader to get to grips with the certain equipment that my characters will be using and interecting with, and seeing as how not many people are familiar with the use of such a weapon i thought it would be an interesting little insight into the workings of such technology. The first chapter doesnt really do the whole piece justice but unfortunetly i could not really skip a few chapters in and leave the reader at a loss as to whats going on.
I am by no means having a go, i thank you very much for your input, I just thought i would straighten out any confusions.
This story was a little hard to follow, and it didn't really grab my attention at the beginning (I have a very short attention span). Could you put less description about loading the guns? Also, could you put in the beginning a hint of where the story takes place?
It's got a good mix of emotional pleasing, and pleasing the eye of a critic. I like this a lot though I am not a critic.
Good description. My advice would be less speaking in the initial battle. You're in a battle. I don't imagine you would be speaking so much. But then again they may not be me. Perhaps describe the minor actions a bit more. The big actions you described well, but there were some simple actions where it's just he does this, this, and then this. Describe the feelings in his fingertips.