Published August 5, 2009
Hello. My name is Yuna, former summoner. I defeated Sin long ago, and am a former sphere hunter as part of the Gullwings. The Gullwings consisted of me, my best friend and cousin Rikku, and another friend Payne. One day while on the road, after plenty of deliberating, I decided to quit the Gullwings and lead a normal life and live in a cozy cottage off the Isle of Besaid. Rikku soon moved in with me, and Payne continued by herself as a sphere hunter. One day, Rikku and I had decided to visit the Farplane in Guadosalam. She was remembering her father, Cid, who had died in the battle against Sin. You remember Tidus, right? I thought of him while on the Farplane, but he didn't appear as he, a fayth, should've. I tried thinking harder. Still nothing. I heard footsteps behind me.
"Rikku," I said worriedly, "he's not appearing."
"Who's not appearing?" a much too familiar voice said behind me.
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Canary word: Present
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well I have to start off by saying I'm not really familiar with this particular fandom here, so I will simply be looking at this how I would any other story. With that being said, let's dive right in.
The opening of this one definitely gets it some good points right away. There's a nice little balance of exposition so that we learn a lot about this person, or rather we learn just about enough to be intrigued and then we get just a bit of backstory and information to back it all up and setup the premise here. Its a good balance here and we end up quite invested into the story quite quickly there without this dipping into the more info dumpy territory.
The ending there though is just simply too abrupt. If you wanted this to be something of a first chapter or something this is just not quite going to cut it. With those two lines of dialogue being so random and disconnected from everything else leads that to look like an accidental pair of lines added in after what could pass for a synopsis or a blurb there. I think you might want to reconsider and add some more if this is meant to be chapter or chop the rest off to use this as something of a synopsis.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Well you got something that keeps me reading through the start. Not everything jumps at me. Okay so what do I get? I get it cut off?!
I'm sorry but that was much to short. You didn't get to even describe any actions. It looks like you missed a bunch of things. Sorry, but that's all I can say.
Alright. I have to say that is a very short story and not that long and i'm kinda saying what i'm seeing. You see, I think it should be longer, not so cut off. I agree with the other two reviews as well on your work. Hey, i'm not Gene Shallot. Wait, he's a movie critic. Well what ever. Anyway, first person isn't the best way to write. Third person add's more thoughts and speakers and makes it seem like your actually there. I think you should rewrite it, with more detail and a much more complex story. That would help alot.
Hmmm.
) But I HATE X2. Can't stand the thing. I might be a little biased.
FFX is my second most favourite game of all time (after FF7
I agree with Dakotak, firstly, about how you haven't developed a narrative. This isn't a story yet, so there's not much to say. I think you managed to catch Yuna, though. Personally, I wouldn't have written in 1st person (I'd be too scared to upset Nomura, frankly). I think it works,but you have to keep going.
I assume Tidus comes back, which would be fabulous, of course. If you want to expand it even more, write in Auron while you're up there on the farplane. And add some more descriprion, while you're at it. The setting is so rich! You have plenty to work with.
thank you!
Hi Faith,
So is this your whole story or only an excerpt? It kinda looked as if it had gotten cut off at the end. Anyways, I'm doing these Creative Writing lessons and the one I'm on right now addressed exactly your kind of writing. You have a whole story jammed into a single paragraph. If this is just like an info blurb before a story, that's more acceptable, but even then I would pull it apart a little more and do some of that good ol' showing and not telling. You need to pull it apart and treat each different scene (time and place) with a little more attention. Slow down and let the reader ingest what you're trying to say opposed to simply rushing us through it without breathing. You have the backbone for a story. Now just give it a body.
~Dakota