SuicideKing

Burger-- First of all, you've broken two cardinal rules of YWS. The first is you must critique two works before posting one of your own. Instead, you've posted two threads ...

Excellent as is. No real complaints from this reader. A suggestion, perhaps, I would add more in the story about the victim. Right now, there isn't a whole lot about ...

Great execution with a not-so-great plan. You wrote the piece well, but the plot itself was questionable. As it was noted above, there is really no reason why the child ...

Interesting start. It needs more substance to it, however. More description, in particular. Character appearance, setting, and action all could use adding to, because right now everything seems very s

Incomplete is a good word to describe this piece. In my opinion, you should write more, so that the characters and general setting become more clear to the reader before ...

His strong pronounced cheek bones and deep brown eyes keeping her spell bound. Fragment: Either make this a part of the previous sentence or make it a complete thought. "His ...

The single door was a car door which was open and guarded by the red haired man. A...car door? And how is this managed? It seems to make no sense ...

I reread the line in Shakespeares' MacBeth, where Lady MacBeth is convincing her husband to kill the king. Ah, the thrill of the kill... Awkwardly phrased. I think it should ...

The atmosphere of this piece was excellent. You captured the panic and the danger of a roaring fire quite well, and your protagonist was believable for the most part. In ...

Peri: While I noticed the occasional nitpick of a "your" instead of "you're" and perhaps a missed letter in a word, this piece was excellent. I have a few general ...

For starter's, ruining one's self esteem is not the same as popping a bubble of egotistical goodness. So long as you accept that while you may be proud of this ...

Hello, Heart. To be perfectly honest, the fact that you put this up without running it through a spelling or grammar check first shows a bit of disrespect for your ...

I agree with Chernobyl. Frankly, I don't care about the protagonist right now. I don't know enough about her to care that she has cancer or that she's dying. If ...

A word of advice, should you wish to get reviews... If the "About the Author" segment is true, I would remove the last name and the city of the author, ...

Church. My first reaction to this was the organization. It is rather rough for the eyes to look on, because it's not properly separated into paragraphs. Since the PHP forums ...