Published February 7, 2008
The huge wolf snarled viciously.
Violently.
It’s fur bristled as it saw the human, growling in envy. The human cooed puppy talk into it’s face obnoxiously and the wolf lunged, snapping it’s jaws.
The human stepped back quickly, it’s throat narrowly avoiding the attack.
The wolf turned haunted gold eyes at the human, who shrieked, running. Suddenly, it’s eyes glazed over with the lust to track, to chase…
…to kill.
The wolf did.
It followed the human’s soft female scent, wuffing and growling. Its ears swiveled, catching soft piteous whimpering. The wolf’s lips stretched thin over shiny sharp teeth, almost a smile.
I smell you. The wolf thinks. I’ll have you.
The wolf lunges once more, his teeth sinking into the child’s soft and delicious flesh, the fresh, coppery taste of blood filling his mouth like a fine wine.
The minute its bloodlust was sated, the wolf’s eyes cleared, donning human-like qualities.
It stared in horror at the little girl who lay dead at its paws. Wolf stepped back, whimpering in disbelief.
What had he done?
Tarutha! The wolf cried out. My baby!
The wolf twisted and turned, his jaws ripping and crunching at his own flesh, hatefully, feeling no pain except the pain in his heart. He threw himself against a tree, his spine curving to fit the tall oak. The impact was so hard it made leaves fall from the highest branches.
It tore at its legs and drove itself harder against the tree, bones snapping and crunching. But the wolf didn’t care. It was too far deep into madness to care.
Finally, wolf lay dead next to his daughter, his human daughter killed by her were-father.
Blood flowed from internal wounds, filling his lungs.
The wolf choked and gurgled, drowning in the sea of his own blood.
His breath slowed and his heart faltered, trying to beat. But soon lost, succumbing to death. And then he sighed, never breathing in again.
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141,250 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
For a short story, there has to be something really grabbing about it. I wasn't really grabbed here. Truthfully, I think culture has desensitized everyone to both werewolfs and vampires.
When the wolf yells Tathura, it broke the flow. Its both kind of a weird name, and for such a symbolic person, nameless is usually better.
Your style of writing is good, not my cup of tea though.
The plot could be great, but its sort of like taking Shakespeare and then adding werewolves, which usually doesn't go well.
Good luck!
-Jonny
[quote="LunaBuna43"]The huge wolf snarled viciously.
Violently.
quote]
Both these adjectives basically mean the same thing, so it becomes repetitive when you use them both. Also wouldn't it be "The huge wolf snarled viciously, violently" instead of separating it into two sentences? I like the blood and gore though.
By the way, whoever had the L avatar (first comment, I forget the user name)- it's awesome!
About your poll... do you mean would we rather have a vampire be killing the child? How can it be both? And if I had to choose, I guess werewolf, because that seems to work the best with this piece. Wolves hunt by instinct, smell, sight, etc. Vampires are humans, and a father would recognize his daughter vampire or otherwise.
As to your story - I like the IDEA of it. I don't think this was written very well, however. I'm not sure how to explain it... it just seems weird. Sorry I'm not very helpful.
There were some good descriptions. And it has much potential. Keep writing.
I liked it. I'm very in to the whole vampire/werewolf scene. However, I think it would be better if it was developed... What I mean is, where's the point? Yes, it's cool but what am I suppose to get from it? I think every story should somehow reveal the true source of actions. While I loved how the chase was, I had no idea why there was a chase. I want to know why this came to be and what I can take from it. Other then that, I think you have something. If it was a book, I would read it.
Great job!
The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin~
Great execution with a not-so-great plan.
You wrote the piece well, but the plot itself was questionable. As it was noted above, there is really no reason why the child would be there in the first place. At least, none explicitly stated. The child may have wandered from her cottage and thought the wolf was a puppy. Easy mistake to make, when you're a child. However, you didn't say this. You also did not mention that the wolf was actually a werewolf. While it's rather hard to do that and still keep the tone of the piece, I would recommend that you find a way to do so. Right now, it appears that a wolf has a human child. Which is strange.
--King
GASP! This is very depressing LunaBuna
It just shows what rage and hunger can do to someone. It can even drive a parent to kill thier own child. I liked this the words worked well and floud nicely ^_^ Well done!
8/10
VAMPIRES AND WERE-WOLVES!
Why was his daughter out there in the first place? Shouldn't she have known not to be out? Where was her mother during all of this It's a good story line, but the end was way to abrupt and wasn't described to well. Over all I did like it, but work on explaining things more.
That was so sad. *Back to the subject*
I would have explained things more and you could have streached it out more. Just saying.
Yes, this is a fiction piece.
*moved to Other Fiction*
Who even dares vote anything but vampire? They are too awesome! XD
Also, methinks this isn't poetry. Unless it's the most story-like free verse I have ever seen in my life. (I guess stories are free verse, but you get the point =P)
'The wolf', not 'Wolf'.
Oooo. This is rather sad, if sudden. I think you should play up a little more on his feelings. It's all very 'the child is dead', 'he kills himself'. Who is he, who is she? What about her mother? Is the child were at all? I know you're about to kill them, but not knowing who they are makes it harder for the reader to feel the tragedy of the event. We also don't feel the struggle, because at the beginning he wasn't very human (to me anyways) so we don't get to him him fighting the wolf nature that tells him to kill.
btw, what was the kid doing teasing a wolf???
That's my input right now. This is pretty cool, in a sad death scene kind of way.
^_^ Keek!