Chapter 3
Hannah moaned. A fuzzy haze clouded her mind. Her thinking was slow,
but some how she struck sluggishly on the opinion that something wasn’t
right. She tried with out prevail to figure out what it could’ve been. Then all
of a sudden she remembered the truck, the man… the pain. Her eyes
flicked open in horror. Where was she? At first all she noticed was
darkness, and then little by little things came into focus.
‘Oh God,’ she whispered as the impact of her situation became clearer. ‘Oh
God…’ She couldn’t continue. She squirmed terrified, but was stopped short
by binds that incased and constricted her wrists and ankles. Hannah was
hog tied and gagged in the back of what looked to be a ware house. She
twisted again but the ropes were beginning to cut into her flesh. She
couldn’t get out. They were too tight. Surveying her surroundings for
anything to help her, Hannah could barely make out an open door and… the
red headed man that owned the pick-up truck.
‘No!’ she thought petrified ‘It must’ve been him that broke into my house.
He must’ve brought me here!’ She twisted her head around, her hair
sprawled around her on the dirty cement floor. ‘Why here? Nothing’s here
but a few nearly dead light bulbs.’ She rolled her head back and looked at
the man who was still gazing out the open door. At that moment he turned
and stared straight into her eyes. Even at the distance she was from him,
she could still see the hate and malice in his bright blue eyes. Sweat pored
from her skin and her heart hammered so hard it reverberated through her
chest and made her pounding head hurt even worse. Hannah shivered fear
washing over her like tsunami, as the crooked man slithered forward. His
eyes never left hers.
“Well! Hello princess.” He mocked crouching down next to her head. He
motioned toward the open door.
“Our ride will be here shortly, don’t worry.” Hannah couldn’t bear to watch
his eyes any longer they jeered and hated so vividly. She rolled her head to
the side but she could still feel his eyes bore into her back. Tears slid down
her cheeks as she listened to him describe how she would never again see
her family. She tried desperately to tune out the venomous man. Then in
the shadows by the door she saw what looked to be a pair a feet sneaking
in by cover of the darkness. At first Hannah expected more trouble but then
she realized that the person could only be trying to hide from her captor.
Joy shot through her as she thought it. The red haired man got bored of
her inactiveness and turned to wait for his buddies. Hannah’s heart skipped
a beat; this was her savior’s chance! And just as she thought it the savior
dashed forward, grabbing the ropes that secured her hands and beginning
to work. She didn’t dare turn to look at him or move at all. Instead
Hannah bit her lip and watched her captor pace back and forth in front of the
door. If he turned at any moment they would be discovered. She could feel
the person’s hands were sweating and shaking profusely. But despite his
apparent nerves he was able to untangle the first knot. Hannah could feel
the ropes loosen. He almost had them off!
The red haired man swore and looked at his watch.
“They were to be here at 9:15!” He shouted a few more choice words, and
then turned to check on his prize. His hand darted to his side and grabbed
his pistol.
“Hit the floor!” He screamed pointing the deadly weapon at the intruder who
dropped to his stomach. The man rushed to them keeping the weapon
pointed at the ‘would be savior.
He grabbed the ropes that still held Hannah tightly, and seeing they were
fairly intact he turned to the trespasser.
“You’ve messed with the wrong person, boy!” He dug the pistol into the
boy’s back, showing no mercy. “I’m going to kill you!” He whispered. His
voice was dripping with malice. Hannah bit her lip, stinging tears played on
her lashes.
‘God please don’t let this boy die because of me!’
She prayed quickly. But as soon as she did it the man yanked back his arm
and struck the boy square in the back of his head. Hannah turned
instinctivly. Blood trickled down the brown wavy locks that covered the boys
head. A knot caught in the back of her throat.
‘He couldn’t have been any older then me’ she thought not knowing whether
to scream or cry. ‘Lord, why did you let this happen? He was so young. Oh
God, he was only trying to save me!’
“Finally, they’re here! It only took ‘um three hours!” The man said
stepping over her and marching toward the still open door. Hannah rolled
her head over and watched as two rough looking men sauntered in.
“Boss…” One started.
“Where the hell have you to been!” The red head interjected “I blame you
that she is now AWAKE and we have another one.”
“What?” the other asked stupefied
“Some heroic teenager, I knocked him out. We either take him too or kill
him.” Hannah’s captor barked.
‘He’s not dead?!’ Hannah thought in disbelief.
“Alright, we’ll load ‘um both in the back. But we got to hurry!
The ‘Habbered’s’ know.” The first replied.
“You better be …”
“Boss, Perry says they could arrive here with- in the hour.” The other cut in.
At the boss swore explosively.
“Well get moving! I want them loaded and I want to be driving away in the
next five minutes!”
The two helpers simply nodded and scurried to Hannah picking her up by
her shoulders and legs. She didn’t even try to fight back; she couldn’t.
She let them carry her out the building and into the dark ally, where she saw
what looked to be the same pick up the red haired man owned. Together
the two men heaved her over the side and set her heavily in to the bed of
the truck. Hannah winced as her flesh collided with the cold, uneven metal.
One of the men scurried back into the building but the other stayed to
guard they’re precious cargo.
In a few seconds, the boss and his helper came shuffling out with the limp
and bleeding form of the boy. Hannah cringed as the men chucked the
unconscious figure into the truck bed. They showed no mercy to him as
they did to her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Love the story!!! It's great...I can't wait for Chapter 4 to come out!!! Keep Writing! It's truly is a gift from God given to you!!!
Ballroom Dancing is my game...*Cha Cha's Away*
ok i LOVE the story you have a few typos here and there but other than that I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! KEEP ME POSTED
OK... I have trashed the old version
and made what you see now, enjoy!
The happiest bear you ever did see!
________________________________________________________________________
i love your story please keep me posted i mean the only thing i have seen in your stories are a few typos but that is about it but other than that GREAT work
A...car door? And how is this managed? It seems to make no sense to me.
As for the rest of the piece, agreed with Summer and with Scasha--show, do not tell. Use imagery and description to make us visualize what's going on. We should be able to see the warehouse around us, when we're done reading.
--King
hey just a few suggestions to add. I too didn't read your previous chapters but this is really good.
Try to fit the dialogue of what's going on in her mind with what's going on in the warehouse. I suggest that you try and step into her body, by saying that I mean think of how she would act, what she would feet i.e. the ropes around her wrists bit at her skin or her throat felt dry and she was dizzy. Try to embody her panic and horror in your writing. Maybe she won't even remember how she got there.
And I would try to include more dialogue with her captor. Maybe he goes to move her into the car, takes her gag off. Also make her rescuer seem more like a rescuer i.e. instead of telling the readers that he is her rescuer maybe say that she saw the image of another man's face in the shadows and just as she was about to cry out he put his finger to his lips, motioning her to stay silent.
Try to show more than tell -- you don't want to tell the readers what to think. Show them how the scene is unfolding, how she feels, her thoats, the noises she hears, ect.
Otherwise, well done and keep up the good work!
I haven't read chapter one or two but I can tell you the basics I think you should fix, and I see mizz-iceberg already pointed some errors out.
Show and don't tell! You tell us everything. Hannah feels like something's wrong. Hannah discovers she's gagged. Hanna notices she's at a warehouse. You tell, tell, and tell.
An example of telling is the quoted part above. You can show through dialogue, thoughts, and carefully-sculpted detail.
Synopsis:
- Show us some more (even if it's once in a while)
- Try reading your piece out loud to find little typos/errors
- Nice start and continuation :]
Hope this helps
~ Summer
Hey there! This story keeps get better and better
.
Few things:
Do you mean 'couldn't'?
I'd take out the colon if I were you.
Put a period after horror and capitalize the 'w' in 'where'.
Huh? read that again slowly. Catch the error?
- You're missing a comma after eyes in that first sentence ^. And I think you used 'jerked' too many times. Try and substitute another word for 'jerked'.
read the part in bold... rather confusing isn't it. I think 'the' is supposed to be 'he'... am I right?
There was just these small mistakes and oh yes a lot of missing commas as well. Commas are important!
You've got me hooked