The man in front of me was a business man. He was dressed professionally, in a dark black trenchcoat that ended about halfway down his legs. He carried a leather briefcase in one hand and the other was holding a newspaper in front of his face. He wore a felt fedora (forties' throwback, anyone?) but he couldn't have been any older than thirty-five.
An easy target.
I shifted, my thick, thrift-store parka making almost a plastic sound as the material rubbed together. I reread the line in Shakespeares' MacBeth, where Lady MacBeth is convincing her husband to kill the king. Ah, the thrill of the kill -- yet my type wasn't bloody. It was more of a sneaky type of kill.
The late afternoon train was crowded, thick with people of all ages heading back their homes or out somewhere to eat. This man was probably heading back home to his wife and two point four children. There were mostly strap-hangers, with all the seats full of old ladies with rusty shopping carts and mothers with screaming, cranky, stinky-diapered babies. There were tourists, too -- what tourists would come to Chicago? Anyone who was crazy enough and who was a Cubs fan. Cubs fans didn't survive very long in their team's home city -- they usually went on the road.
The train jerked, coming to an abrupt stop. Without even thinking about it, I fell forward, my hand reaching into the man's trench coat pocket. I stealthily pulled a leather wallet from his pocket (that no doubtedly matched his briefcase) and slipped it into my pocket without him noticing. I stood up, muttering an almost silent "Sorry," for bumping into him. I didn't notice his expression.
I was a pickpocket. It wasn't an honest job, but it was something. I was also something of a compulsive risk-taker. You give me a bet or a dare -- I'll do it, no sweat. I don't care what the stakes are, what the terms are -- give it to me. Bring it on. My pickpocketing skills were known throughout my school -- but no one really questioned it. My parents didn't know about it. My older brother didn't know about it. No one but my school and my two best friends had any idea I slipped wallets out from under rich snotty nosed business people's noses.
My stop arrived quickly. I snapped my book shut, putting it underneath my arm as I exited the train. The platform was fairly crowded -- smelling like damp, musty rain and maybe urine. The walls were moldy, the floor covered in wet newspapers and old soda bottles. People milled around, a couple of college students were chanting along with a bongo drummer's beat.
"Jen, you're late." Ryan Stanford pushed himself off the tiled wall and scowled at me. He was a tall, curly-haired boy with freckles all over his nose. He was the ringleader of our little operation -- the Boss, he liked to call himself. He was extremely intelligent, but he wasn't considered a nerd.
"I know," I said. I glanced over my shoulder. "Where's Chip? Is he here?"
"Yeah, yeah," he said, throwing his book bag over his shoulder. "C'mon. We've gotta get out of here."
He led me out of the station and down the rickety stairs. He jumped the last five, waiting for me to trot down. He scowled further, and then walked with me into Willa's, a small cafe where students frequented.
"Hey, guys." Charles Edwards, nicknamed Chip because he hated his name, came bouncing up to us. "Did you get a pull?" he asked me, lowering his voice. Chip was a bouncy, excited boy with a chisled face and dimples. He smiled easily and laughed even easier. His hair was combed with a cowlick in the front, fifties-style, and gelled that way.
"Yeah," I said. I sat down at the nearest table, beckoning for them to sit down with me. They sat down. I glanced right and left, and then pulled out the leather wallet.
"Nice!" said Chip, grabbing for it.
"Easy, tiger," I said, holding it away from him. "Let me count it first."
I flipped the wallet open, seeing five credit cards, which we couldn't and wouldn't use. I opened the pocket, seeing...no cash.
Ryan groaned and smacked the table with his hand. "C'mon, Jenna!"
"It was one pull, Ry --"
"One pull?" He scowled. "This is the fourth one, Jenna. The fourth one where you pulled an empty wallet."
"It's not like I can see the money in the wallet, Ryan," I said angrily.
"Yeah. It's not like she can see the money in the wallet, Mr. Stanford." A strange man dressed in a dark suit stood over us, his hands clasped before him. "If you two would excuse us, I would like to speak to Miss Roth alone."
Chip and Ryan got up, Chip giving me a supportive glance before leaving. Ryan didn't even look back -- he just disappeared.
The man slid into Chip's seat and folded his hands before him. "So, Jenna, right?" he said.
I nodded. "Who wants to know?"
"I'm an old friend of William Roth."
William Roth was my uncle -- my favorite uncle. He was a pickpocket, too.
"Oh." I shifted uncomfortably, my hands sweating. The sweat wiped off on the leather wallet, and I put it down on the table and wiped my hands on my pants.
"I'd like to interest you in...a job. You want in?
I swear to god, this sounds vaguely like Ocean's 11. "Terms? And you'll have to check with my parents."
Pfft. Yeah, go ahead.
"Atlantic City. Three days. In?"
"In." I was getting in way over my head.
***
The beginning of hopefully a project. Please review. Thanks much!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well, hello there! And welcome to YWS.
This has some promise. I especially enjoyed the dialogue you tossed around the group near the end of the chapter. Very professional sounding, very clean and natural.
However, seeing as you're writing a thriller/action piece, I feel you're going about this the wrong way. There is a certain experience you need - a certain 'hardness', if you will - to write this sort of novel. You must manipulate the setting to achieve a particular atmosphere, you must confine yourself to tense situations, and stay as far away as possible from backstory as humanly possible. Especially at the beginning. Your beginning drags. It crawls. The beginning of a thriller - any kind of story, for that matter - must be action-oriented. It is so much more effective when you start with a character doing something, rather than setting up the playing board. As your character acts, hit us with the setting piece by piece.
making almost a plastic sound
I reread the line in Shakespeares' MacBeth, where Lady MacBeth is convincing her husband to kill the king. Ah, the thrill of the kill -- yet my type wasn't bloody. It was more of a sneaky type of kill.
two point four children
with all the seats full of old ladies with rusty shopping carts and mothers with screaming, cranky, stinky-diapered babies
begin a story with a bang, lots of descriptive build-up = death/ the inner dialogue
It wasn't an honest job, but it was something
The walls were moldy
Chip and Ryan got up, Chip giving me a supportive glance before leaving.
I swear to god, this sounds vaguely like Ocean's 11
First off, I want to say this is a great storyline. You really captured the character's personality. You have great detail and did a good job describing the setting. First I'll show you what I didn;t like, them what I liked. Best for last.
This sentence is a little awkward. Maybe something like "And the other supported the newspaper he was reading." Just the whole "holding in front of his face" doesn't really work.
This doesn't really fit with the tense and the storyline. It's not really from the character's point of view. Anyway, it should be "fortie's"... I think.
There should be a comma between "parka" and "making".
Two point four children? Does that mean the wife's pregnant?
Here is what I liked:
Way to start!
I like this sentence. It builds up suspense.
I like how you put "thrift store" in there to show that she's not the richest kid on the block.
Love this sentence!!!!
I like how you put this instead off "I closed my book". It really "colors" the story.
Great description here! Nice job.
I like how this shows the support of Chip.
Good insight and description here! Bravo.
All in all, I think this is a good story. Good description, good outline, and decent grammar. Not bad at all. Post another one soon! I'd like to read it.
Gosh, people like to put you down for grammar huh? I get that alot! remember people, this is a rough draft, its not going to be perfect. I like the story line a lot, great start. but I want more on this stranger, I see him as a shadow; give me details on his looks. also are they like a gang or something? If they are, add some slang. I saw the "pull" thing. I think is good and add more of that. also I want to know what jenna looks like. one more thing-Add something near the begging that gives us a hint that shes a girl like put I pushed my hair behind my ear as I muttered a sorry... " or something.other than that, GREAT! I really want to read more and this is something that caught my intrest right at the beginning. its super good and if you dont write another part, I'll keep sending you messages reminding you too. its good and there is so reason to hide your talent. keep writing!
Haha. I liked it very, very much!! Good start!
Dark black? As opposed to light black? That didn’t make sense to me and it hinders the story. I suggest, if you wanted an image, to use deep or something less broad.
Also, the blue-highlighted trenchcoat: trench coat is two words.
A bit rough wording here. I would suggest using “while” instead of “and.” Merely a suggestion, though.
Shopping carts? On the bus?
Wrong use of the double dash there, mate.
First off, how did your MC know the wallet was in that pocket?
Second on, There are too many pockets. One is enough in this paragraph; try to use a different word.
You keep changing tense, here. The past tense is in red, the present tense is green. I would suggest using present here, because it seems more natural to you. Really, the reader doesn’t mind which you choose, so long you stick with it.
A couple of grammatical mistakes here.
Omg, this paragraph is brilliant!! Great descriptions!! Do you know how many writers forget their character has a sense of smell? And you used it well, too!! Great job! This is wonderful!!
Except the one green word up there, exited. It seems a bit too formal for your character’s style. But that’s it.
So many saids in such close proximity will annoy your reader. I’ve also noticed that you try to avoid tags, using said with an adjective or simply using actions. Don’t avoid it. Though a tag on every single dialoged line will get annoying, they are very helpful.
Notice I kept a few saids. They work, just not for every dialogued line. And you don’t have to use those tags; their just examples.
Way too abrupt. You need to build on that a little more, so that the reader is thinking, “Oh, crud, she’s caught. They’re all screwed.” When you drop something so fast on the page, the reader hardly understands what’s going on.
Also, You can’t easily use Mr. and Miss in the same paragraph. Either use Mister and Miss or Mr. and Ms. Remember, the reader likes consistency from the writer.
That’s great. I was thinking the exact same thing. You just saved yourself from being called a copycat. Haha. Without that line, your reader would’ve probably chucked the book across the room yelling, “Cop-out! Plagiarist! Copy cat!” haha. But remember that it only saved you from this occasion alone. If anything else comes up sounding like Ocean’s 11, have your character roll her eyes and maybe quote the movie or something. Mention it again.
One more thing:
What King said was my thought exactly. It did seem a bit awkward. Also, a bad-girl thief/pickpocket reading Shakespeare’s Macbeth? Doesn’t seem…um…like her.
Over all, a good beginning, though. Good luck!
~Vee
Awkwardly phrased. I think it should go something more like..."Ah, the thrill of the kill...[i] Macbeth. Shakespeare had it right, for sure. But my..." In my opinion, it reads less clumsily, and you get rid of the word "reread" which really doesn't fit here, unless our protagonist has a book in front of him. Upon reading further, however, it seems he [i]does have a book in front of him. Clarify that earlier in the piece.
While the beginning of the piece, and through the middle, is well paced, the ending is both rushed and abrupt. I think you might want to add a bit of dialog between the newcomer's entrance and the end of the story. Right now, all it seems to be is ohlookimhereokayletsgokthxbai.
The tone and the style of the piece is very nice, as is the protagonist's sense of humor: dry humor and sarcasm always make me smile.
--King