Snoink

But... I didn't critique the vocabulary and sentence fragment aspect...? *is confused*

Ha, nicely done. Good imagery and stuff! I also like the old-timey feel of the entire piece. Nicely done. ^_^

XD I so totally want to buy some now... I can hear the announcer in my head.

Hmm. Doesn't do much as a character sketch, since we don't see anything really unique about these characters. Pretty stereotypical of dramatic personages. Horny guys. Hard-to-get women, struggling fro

This is in Chapter 13. So you get to meet Carolina before. And it's not the same day as Chapter 6... gah. That was a bad day for all the ...

*twitches* Oh, come on! I mean... I either have to novelize this or abandon it. And I prefer the former. It's part of a larger story called "FREAK." *runs away ...

It has a perfect and complex rhythm, which is rare and quite a pleasure, but besides that it confused me and didn't touch me at all. Although I got the ...

Just to reinterate, in case you forget and get stuck... You don't think he would rape her, which is fine, but you need to give more reasons why he wouldn't ...

*sighs* Yes, you're right... as usual. ;) Hehe... I hope that in the story, it sounds less hollow since you know the context (which, as you probably noted, is extremely ...

LOL, no it's okay. What I look for in comments is reader response. I would think (hope?) that my grammar is sensible and the typos are few, so I'm not ...

I don't know... the beginning reminds me of a limerick, but it isn't one. Perhaps if you edit it a little bit, you can make it a limerick? It might ...

Yep. It's good. I agree... the rhyming really increases the ironic effect. It's kind of fun, in that regard. I mean, not really but... The last line is especially awesome. ...

Give more verbose descriptions for an ironic effect.

XD

Do you mean, "will the new day ever be born?" Because otherwise, I dont think it's really viable. Or are you trying to give the impression of, say, 16th century ...