The rythym of it makes it feel like it should be a poem, not dialouge. It intrests me though... I want to know more about this character and how her father's betrayal effected her (him?).
Yeah, I'm a curious person. 
I was going through some of my stories, and I found this piece of dialogue in one of the more recent drafts for a story I wrote. Upon rereading it, I was struck with how bouncy and rhymatic it sounded -- the dialogue begged me to put it in this format. Anyway, enjoy:
Oh Daddy!
Oh Daddy!
How could you?
How could you leave me like that?
He was bad. He was very bad.
At first he was nice, but h-he – oh!
He was bad.
If I didn’t do what he wanted,
He would put things, bad things
In my drinks and foods
That would make me stupid,
And if I acted bad then he would hurt me.
He wasn’t nice, no, he wasn’t nice at all!”
He said that he and I would marry,
He said you had planned our marriage long ago.
Oh Daddy!
How could you?
How could you leave me all alone?
The rythym of it makes it feel like it should be a poem, not dialouge. It intrests me though... I want to know more about this character and how her father's betrayal effected her (him?).
Yeah, I'm a curious person.
xanthan gum wrote:It has a perfect and complex rhythm, which is rare and quite a pleasure, but besides that it confused me and didn't touch me at all. Although I got the general picture, it was somewhat emotionless - yes, I know it was originally a dialouge, but I think it should've stayed that way.
Thanks a lot!It has a perfect and complex rhythm, which is rare and quite a pleasure, but besides that it confused me and didn't touch me at all. Although I got the general picture, it was somewhat emotionless - yes, I know it was originally a dialouge, but I think it should've stayed that way.
*sighs* Yes, you're right... as usual. 
Hehe...
I hope that in the story, it sounds less hollow since you know the context (which, as you probably noted, is extremely important). Especially for fiction. Unfortunately, novels are hardly works of poetry, no matter how many poetic techniques I use. *laughs*
LOL, I should start writing poetry again.
Yeah, the rhythm was okay and it kept me attention - nice piece of work. Always felt kind of hollow the whole way through though. If you hadn't given an introductory post, I wouldn't have liked it. Maybe that's why it's hollow - it only exists properly once you define it yourself. It'd be better if it could express itself on its own.
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