A Ballad For Millie

ooo, i didnt know it was featured this month.
thanx... v. happy for that
plus, thanx for all your comments

A few niggly bits..but nothing worth as much as what my finger could place.
So I shall settle for good work!
(Ignore me - I'm very tired, so i'm not making any sense... )

Thank you SO MUCH for rhyming "correctly". Very effective word choice and phrasing.

The last line is... so powerful.

Wonderful work.

The rhyming wasn't forced which makes it easy to read!
I know it was sad but i liked the ending!
True subject too, which makes it even better but as said the use of 'weren't' doesn't sound right and is akward within the sentence.
i also think the following sounds akward

'From trading numbers and kissing cheeks
Leaves Millie vomiting after many weeks. '

Otherwise it was a great poem, good job!

Yep. It's good. I agree... the rhyming really increases the ironic effect. It's kind of fun, in that regard. I mean, not really but...

The last line is especially awesome.

Anyway, good job.

I just re-read it and i still love it!

thanks for the comments & critique. really appreciate it. i know i have to re-edit some parts.

AstrangedbeaR wrote:5th of December, ten fingers and all

Oh, lovely rhyme scheme. I agree with Ari, so I'm not going to repeat what she said by typing it here. Nice poem, but it needs a little cleanup on the rhyme, and some punctuation.

So here I've written it out, with the changes I would make.


Teenage pregnancy may be a shame,
Thinking of homework then a baby name.
Lacking sense of where to go
For Millie, the average high school hoe.
Dumped by friends as the dirty slag,
Parents consent with the occasional nag.
Doorstep piled with bags of clothes
"Get out of here!" her mother groans.
Passing neighbours with their whispers and stares
An old age pensioner and her husband glares,
"Disgusting" states the O.A.P
"I’m glad our daughter's not as sick as she".
A hand gesture of the negative command
Leaves Millie alone, three steps from her yard.

From trading numbers and kissing cheeks
Leaves Millie vomiting after many weeks.
Kept warm in shelter among her variety
Desperate for something, respect from society.
But Millie, she was strong as metal,
Had hopes and fears but yearned to settle
With someone who she longed to meet
Ian, a boy just from the street.
It was then our Lisa had been born
5th of December, ten fingers and all
That Millie died unexpectedly - these last two lines are a bit confusing in how they are worded, I'd recast.
"Low blood level" said Dr. Sheen,
A neighbour said, "At such an age"
Another shrugged, "Teenagers change"
Another murmured, "oh what a wreck,"
It was HIV, she never checked.

Hope this helps. CL.

Very good overall. A lot of times rhyming (to me) seems to make things more cutesy, but the rhyme scheme here felt ironic. You were dealing with such a tragic story about the fragility of life and how things aren't always fair or orderly, yet here you have this orderly rhyme scheme. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but I liked it.

A couple of nitpicks:

Passing neighbours whispers and stares
An old age pensioner and her husband glares
"Disgusting" states the O.A.P
"I’m glad our daughter weren’t as sick as she"

The first line I quoted either needs to say, "passing neighbours whisper and stare" or "passing neighbors' whispers and stares" because as it is now, it doesn't make any sense. I didn't get the O.A.P. at first, but when I did the way you may it rhyme was cool.

The last line either needs to read, "I'm glad our daughters weren't as sick as she" or "I'm glad our daughter wasn't as sick as she" because like TBR said, the verb is confused there. And the fact that sick seemed to be a double entrende only made it cooler.

A neighbour said, "At such an age"
Another shrugged, "Teenagers change"
Another murmured, "oh what a wreck,"

Be consistent here. Either capitalize at the beginning or don't; either put a comma at the end of the quotation marks or don't. The inconsistency makes me think that you just weren't paying attention.

But overall, nice job. I think you handled a delicate topic with gravitas and still made an impact. And like Araidne said, this would be good to use in some sort of AIDS/HIV prevention flyer or something. Nice work!

"Disgusting" states the O.A.P
"I’m glad our daughter weren’t as sick as she"

Weren't... that word disturbs me here....

This was good, it was sad and miserable and everything around me is dying... but yeah, it was good.

This poem's rhythm flowed perfectly. And the rhyme scheme was not at all forced. You sent the message of HIV very well, and the end was very dramatic and a really effective way to end the poem.

Great poem. You're a really good writer!

Wow. that is good!!!! The Hiv prevention people should use your poem in an advertisement. It is that good. Keep on writing!