Snoink

Hmmm... the first two lines do sound archaic, but in a very awkward way, so I'm not quite sure it really works as a hook. Are the last two lines ...

I read what was in Dreamy's entry and liked it. Tell us when this gets published! :D

Nah, the word is treble.

Ay de mi! Pesky little errors... well, I fixed it. Hopefully it reads better now? ;)

Thanks for all your comments, they were all extremely helpful! I edited the piece slightly... feel free to comment more if you want. :) And this is it. This story ...

Hehe! :D Adverbs weaken a sentence by emphasizing the adverb rather than the other words. Sometimes that's good. A well-placed adverb can beat any other description anyday. Other times, it's ...

I have an imac, with the resolution as dull as I can get. Still, usually things are bright enough for me to see. ;)

Thank you for all your very excellent comments! They were very insightful and hopefully I'll be able to follow them. ;) Mad>> Ay! Someone else pointed out the forced rhyming ...

What about Kyle Jr.? Didn't he have something to do with the end? ;)

Eh... he's asking for critiques, so it would be better in Other. ;)

Thanks for all the comments! Okay... all of you bring up good points. It's too detached or impersonal for it to really draw a reader in and too specific for ...

I might have to take up your challenge. ;)

∫F•ds is the definition of Work, which is force through a distance. :D Yes. Boo to physics. I think I'll show my physics teacher this poem tomorrow. He'll love it... ...

Part of the beauty of the original poem was the shortness of it all. This one just goes on and on. Take your favorite idea and run wild with it.

...I'm not sure whether I should laugh or cry. Probably both.