z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



Why?

by Snoink


Why does it always seem to be that way?
You come up and I start to sway.
I look in your eyes, my own mingled in hate.
But I can't stand that for long; no, it's not my way.

Why can't I stand?
Why can't I breathe?
Why can't I live?

I resist you as much as I can
But what can I do?
I'm helpless under your hand.
I look up at you, wanting to hate,
But tears fill my eyes, I fade away.

My voice is weak, my mind is broken
How could you? How could you?
My dance is slow, my eyes held low
In the hopelessness clothing me.

How could you?

How could I?

I am doomed, you know that too well.
I've hidden so much that I don't know myself.
Not free to hate, not free to live.
If you can even call this life...


I wrote this when I was 14. I think it's good?


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
381 Reviews

Points: 1144
Reviews: 381

Donate
Wed May 30, 2007 6:32 pm
Fand says...



This is definitely the work of a fourteen-year-old, lol. I have to admit, I was incredibly relieved when I saw that note at the end of the poem--otherwise I would've had to hurt you.




User avatar
3821 Reviews

Points: 3691
Reviews: 3821

Donate
Fri May 25, 2007 6:26 am
Snoink says...



I might have to take up your challenge. ;)




User avatar
316 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 316

Donate
Thu May 24, 2007 10:23 pm
whence wrote a review...



Well, I thought the 'My dance is slow' bit was interesting...

You asked questions with literally no purpose or answer. They were rhetorical without feeling -- hanging unanswered, dragging this poem down.

Aside from that, your flow was awkward and you set up a rhyming/repetition scheme that didn't exist.

Unfortunately, there are major errors here; both in structure and in content, and I'm not sure it's worth your time to try and fix them.

Instead, (as I'm finding myself doing more often), I propose a challenge.
Take the idea of 'My dance is slow' and construct an entirely new piece based off of that idea, using the same emotion here. PM me when you do so, and I'll crit it indepthly (if you so choose, that is)

Good luck!
~Ed




User avatar
701 Reviews

Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Thu May 24, 2007 11:52 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



For a fourteen-year-old...maybe. I have to agree with Rei, though - questions do not work for me in poetry unless they're unusual or necessary in some way. And...well....you have some unique images in there, but it realy could have been written by anyone.

My suggestion, if you're wanting to rework this, would be to make it more personal and perhaps cut down on the questions. People often mistake "personal" for "emotional" or expressing secret thoughts/desires, but it's more about...specifics. Who you are. What makes you different from other people, etc. I like the references to dancing and the way they underlie the poem; perhaps you could bring this into it more, and make that your backdrop/metaphor/thing. You know what I mean, right? XD

I especially like the last stanza though. "I've hidden too much of myself." Shows excellent insight :)

Cheers,
~bubbles




User avatar
1176 Reviews

Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176

Donate
Fri Mar 23, 2007 6:51 pm
Twit wrote a review...



I thought it was good. That might be because I'm just a boring teen, Rei. :wink:

Snoink wrote: I am doomed, you know that too well.
I've hidden so much that I don't know myself.
Not free to hate, not free to live.
If you can even call this life...


I like this bit; it kind of reminded me of the music to Requiem for a Dream. Just a liitle. Maybe the rest of it was a little obscure, but overall, I liked it.

-ShadowTwit




User avatar
685 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Donate
Mon Jul 11, 2005 12:16 pm
Rei wrote a review...



I regret to inform you that I do not. I've never really liked poetry full of questions. Writing it with a tone of uncertainty that expresses a desire for these answers without actually asking them would be more interesting. Right now it just sounds like borning teen angst.





Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant