Snoink

YAY! I remember this story! I think I might have critiqued it? It's good to see you edit it! :D Okay, new comments! First of all, take out the prologue. ...

You know how much I love your writing, so I won't go on about it continuously, otherwise, I would be repetitious. ;) As for the story, I think that you ...

You know I critiqued this on TSR, so I won't bother trying to critique it again. I just want to tell you that this story has stuck in my head ...

with envy, because we, below, can walk across the street. This is a little wordy and I would probably trim the words a little. Maybe "walk the street" instead of ...

Mmmm.... this caught me on the front page. That takes a lot of doing. Usually I have to force myself to read, lol. But yeah. Interesting beginning that catches. Jeffery ...

I love the way Kyle was introduced because it was so in character that it seemed to flow. Like, he got his way. The introduction was also rather inviting. This ...

Her exposed back—bereaved from the duty of making love—heaved, frightening Kyle in the way young boys are frightened of seeing porn for the first time. I thought this description seemed ...

Welcome to YWS! I hope you have fun here, both in giving comments and receiving them. ;) A few general comments: The word "grotty" should be shot in any story. ...

Hehehe, I think you're better as a novel writer, Adam. ;) ...I should probably explain that, shouldn't I? Okay. Look at the scope of the story. It spans, not just ...

The Incan Shark strikes again, lol! When dealing with cutting, it's best to be subtle about it. I've seen a lot of poems dealing with blood and how it flows ...

Hehehe, limericks aren't really supposed to mean anything, but they're sure fun to say! :D I think the poem has one or two more syllables than it should per line. ...

Hahaha... but we love John Lennon! The first part, my eyes were wandering, looking desperately for plot. It was the second part I read all the way through because it ...

Hmmm... I thought that the character development was a little over the top. First of all, why would Lily think Rose is her friend after everything they do? I don't ...

Hehe! Funny story. :) Let's go through the details? 1. The introduction doesn't achieve its ironic effect. You have this wording, describing this place as an ideal place, and this ...

Hehehe... I got it! Except I didn't... more on that later. I think this might be better, though I'm sure you can make it better still: Giggled gleefully at almost ...