I don't like this poem anymore lol. It's definately not my best so goooodbye poem.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Grar! *sulk* I want to read that poem now. I read the critiques and it were well..it sounds intruiging. But it's not there!
*sulks more, poutingly* No fair!
~Chibi
Well Okay, see uhmm the basic thing about poetry is making the reader understand it without explaining that the poem "obviously" meant to be that way or that the last stanza needs to be cut off etc.
If you can't do that, well I'm sorry but better luck next time. It's okay about the imagary, if it really was your intention to make it dull.
One little thing
I think if you'd leave that line sticking out, it fits the structure a bit more
Cheerios, Chandni
Hehehe... I got it! Except I didn't... more on that later.
I think this might be better, though I'm sure you can make it better still:
Giggled gleefully
at almost everything.
Kicked with determination
when dipped
in a pool
of cool water.
Perhaps it was too cool that day?
Perhaps it was
the sad grey skies,
that swept her strength away.
In any case, the way it is formatted now is very awkward and doesn't read well, especially compared to the rest of the poem, which has quite nice spacing. Oh well. Perhaps you can play with that, if you want this poem to be nicer.
You have made the story purposefully vague so we don't know whether she was murdered or she slipped and it was just an accident. For instance, in the second stanza, you said this:
So it sounds like she's being drowned. But then, that's the last mention we have of it, and it's really weird. If the pool was personified and did drown her, I think that might be more interesting, especially if you could pull off the simplistic feeling. This could be really powerful, if you wanted to edit it. Vague is good, but to have it that confusing is not good at all.
Anyway, if you want to edit, have fun, and if you don't, hope to see some more of your stuff around!
and that is fine, you can go ahead and disagree with my critiques. But if you are going to want to make it like that then you should do it in a more...obvious way? You can say you wanted the last stanza to stand out, but from what I see it stands out in a blunt way, not in creative way.
But if one doesn't want to be lead, thats just as well.
And, you weren't rude. And I am not trying to be either. A critique is just a helpful hand
To be honest, and not to be rude, I don't think you really get it. I can do imagery, I can do all that descriptive stuff but this poem is different, it's meant to be more narrative more blunt it's not meant to be descriptive, have you never read a poem like that before? The final stanza isn't really meant to fit in either, its supposed to feel different, to read differently from the rest of the poem.
It's...good. Though the main image is hard to follow. Someone drowns, right? With that kind of subject, you could bring in more imagery and less telling, and that would improve the over all reading.
Your stanzas aren't in a very organized manner, some are three lines, some are four, some five; that isn't a problem, but its better if there is some pattern or organization rather than chaos.
In the first stanza, I think you could have used commas or periods more often, because otherwise it doesn't flow. Think of your sentences as real sentence that aren't in stanzas, would that make any sense otherwise? "She was small brown hair green eyes liked to paint. " but that can be fixed with commas.
It's not bad but I think it could be improved if you used imagery, pictures, and so forth rather than telling us what happened. You could make the water appear so much more violent, and her so weak. The last stanza is out of place without a sort of foreboding to the angelic thing, maybe if you described her as an angel it would fit better? Otherwise, as it is, it's just an annoying wrap up and a hopeful note. It doesn't fit with what else was given.