Rydia

This is a nice little story and I think I'll start with the child's voice. It is too sophisticated for a five year old but you could get over that ...

I think I will start by answering your questions... 1: Does the second person work for Blizzard's flashback? [At first it felt a little out of place but I think ...

Hey again! I think you need to expand parts of this. Like at the beginning, where you have Hank and Axel discussing how they don't know how to drive the ...

This is good. I'll not critique the content as a diary entry really doesn't call for that but I'm glad you let your natural voice show through and it's well ...

This is good but I think it lacks atmosphere to some extent. The whole piece is centered around cinnamon, yes? And yet you make little attempt to describe it, to ...

Hey again! I liked this section but I don't think it was as good as the others. What was good, was the ending and the part with Caboose and the ...

This is good. I decided to read the prologue and chapter one before commenting and I think my main advice for all three sections is to slow down and add ...

This is an intriguing little piece. I agree with Gryphon that you need to do more showing rather than telling, actually describing the scenes to us instead of just reporting ...

A few small things others haven't mentioned - Tears dripped onto them, one by one, causing Eleanor to cry anymore. [I think you probably mean even more or much more?] ...

Hey there! I quite liked this. I thought that the general concept was a little unoriginal but your plot was unique enough for that to not matter and your characters ...

I think you have an intriguing start here. I will answer your questions in a moment but firt a few small suggestions/ corrections - I realized I was lying down, ...

A very good piece of work, Prok. The concept is slightly unoriginal and the plot not overly interesting but the way it is written makes it intriguing and draws the ...

Hey again! I'll not critique grammar and such as I'd probably only be pointing out mistakes that have already been acknowledged or changed but you said you wanted comments on ...

Hey there! I think you have a good start here. A nice, mysterious opening, some good description, high atmosphere and a very strong, natural tone. However, I think it could ...

My first impression is that you need to spell-check and proof read before posting next time. Seriously. Reading chapters filled with spelling mistakes is very tiresome for grammar nazis such ...