Preface:
That night was my last, although. My last night as a human, anyways. I obviously didn't know it at the time. I had left the party in SoHo at about one in the morning. My usual party habits would have had me there much later, but I had finals in the morning and thought it wise to get at least some sleep beforehand.
It was late April and the weather was unseasonably cool, but nothing could compared to the chill I felt from the sight of my attacker. He towered over me at about 6"1', with light gray eyes, and long blond hair that gently brushed the tops of his shoulders. He was dressed in an odd way that shouldn't have surprised me since moving to New York City three years ago; there was always some freak trying out a new trend. However for some reason, his style of dress was especially different. He wore plain black pants that were fitted to his muscular legs, and a shirt that could only be described as a "blouse" with a sort of ruffled front. Over all of this he wore a dark colored trench coat that fell down the entire length of his body, all the way down to the slightly damp cement of the alleyway.
I could smell the stale water that had pooled all over the alley and the rank garbage from the dumpster a few feet away. The bricks of the two buildings I was between were old and had begun to crumble in certain places, the mortar too weak to hold things together any longer. I felt sand and gravel beneath my arms as I lay there, trying to figure out how I'd gotten into this situation
Believe me, I had never intended on ending up in a dark alleyway. Before I moved here from Long Island that was the advice that every one of my family members and friends had given me-- "Don't go down dark alleyways alone at night." I had, as a rule, never even walked by them. Instead, I would cross the street and continue my journey on the other side until it too provided an alleyway that served as a playground for the city's low-life’s.
Tonight however, I had been lost in my own thoughts, most of them centering on Ryan. Not only had tonight involved a memorable party, but Ryan and I had also taken our relationship to the next level. Ever since we had started dating six months ago, we had taken things slowly. We didn't want to be the couple that burned out too quickly. Tonight was the first night he had told me he loved me. So, instead of paying attention to the alleyways I had been advised to avoid, I was lost in my little daydreams about Ryan.
Now I was lying on the wet cement of one of said alleyways with this strange man standing above me, explaining something. I couldn't make out what he was saying because the head wound he had inflicted was bleeding through my hair and covering my ears, making it almost impossible to hear his soft, deep voice.
At this point I knew his soliloquy was coming to a close because he was making his way closer. Then he leaned over me and inclined his head to my neck. That was the last human memory I ever had.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
alright i definitely will. and yeah, i havent had much time to read your story either, sorry about that. anyway, i saw that you have a bunch of threads on it and some say revised or something? when you get a chance, send me the links you have for the final versions of your chapters/parts please.
XD No problem. I am so bogged down with school I haven't had time to read your story, so it was the least I could do. >.<
PM me when you do the new preface!! ^_^
hey, thank you so much for that review. honestly, my preface is my least favorite part of the whole book. i get so many suggestions on how to improve it and i'm really not surprised or offended. anyway, i think i'm just going to eventually re-write the whole preface and scrap the old one. i will definitely use your critique because i think you had a lot of good ideas there. again thanks for reading and review and thanks sleeping valor for having my back
Hey there! I think you have a good start here. A nice, mysterious opening, some good description, high atmosphere and a very strong, natural tone. However, I think it could be improved. I agree that more description of the persona could be used and also, add something more, don't let this be just your typical vampire story. Girl goes out drinking. Girl walks home via the dark alley. Girl gets bitten.
Maybe add some dialogue between the girl and the vampire. Is there any hesitation there? He inflicts a wound to her head so describe that event in more detail. Clearly he's a violent vampire but is there any sexual attraction in this for him? And you haven't described the biting itself. She's still human at that point. Does she resist or is she mesmerised by him? What's her last thought? And try to avoid anything cliche there - it could be the perfect moment to get some real character shown because there's been little of that so far other than the fact that she's cautious.
Here's a few small suggestions -
That night was my last, although. My last night as a human, anyways. [This could be smoother. perhaps 'That night was my last. My last night as a human.' Or maybe change it altogether. Go for the other perspective like - 'It was a night of firsts. The first time he said 'I love you', the first time I walked along a dark alley, mindless of my safety, and it was the first time that I died.']
It was late April and the weather was unseasonably cool, but nothing could compare[s]d[/s] to the chill I felt [s]from[/s] at the sight of my attacker.
The bricks of the two buildings I was between were old and had begun to crumble in [s]certain[/s] places, the mortar too weak to hold things together any longer.
So, instead of paying attention to the alleyways I had been advised to avoid, I was lost in my little daydreams [s]about Ryan[/s]. [His name starts to get repetetive and it's redundant here.]
______________________
In general, your writing is good and this has potential but try to make it more unique. That can be hard where vampire stories are concerned but I think you could manage it. The inclusion of the relationship with Ryan already helps.
All credit for this crit to sleeping valor for recommending the story to me,
Heather xx
w00t!! go vampires!!! (and werewolves....i can never pick between them...>.>)
very good. love the description, although it could use a little more, and not just in the alleyway.
that doesn't quite make sense. you should only use that if you're comparing/contrasting something previously.
i would also like to know a little more about the main character. all we know as of yet is that she's a vampire and how she was bitten. we don't even know her hair color.
but, overall, it has very good potential. just work a little more on your descriptions and i think you might have something great here.
^_^
~enjeru
i'm i boy of few words
Brilliant
A) i am eternally grateful to you for the time you are taking on my writing
B )you are on my "favorite people" list
C) um....i am eternally grateful to you for the time you are taking on my writing
a) I like it.
b) We are kindred spirits
c) I love helping people, especially the ones who appreciate it. ^_^ No idea why, I just do. =P
i made that correction. again i cant possibly thank you enough for taking the time to run through my writing over and over again.
The tense is fine then, like I said I wasn't sure.
As for the description, maybe try moving it back to where she is describing the attacker. Something like(back right after you describe attacker): "As I lay stunned, I could smell the stale water that had pooled all over the alley and the rank garbage from the dumpster a few feet away. The bricks of the two buildings I was between were old and had begun to crumble in certain places, the mortar too weak to hold things together any longer. I felt sand and gravel beneath my arms as I lay there, desperately trying to figure out how I'd gotten into this situation." That way you also have a phrase that makes the sudden transition into flashback less sudden and anti-climatic.
okay so, i made almost all of the corrections you suggested (thanks for those by the way, they were really good and im glad you caught them)
i only left two.
i dont know how i feel about the switching of the tenses. i was trying to go for that whole "life flashes before you eyes" type of thing. also i figured that she was in so much shock that she thought about almost everything BUT her attacker. like maybe it was too scary or something....i dont know...
the other thing is about when i described the alleyway and stuff. i added that stuff because someone else suggested it. then i proceeded to explain all of the senses that she could possibly feel. she already mentioned that she couldnt hear and i didnt think it would be logical to taste anything...but she saw and smelt and felt...that was what i was going for....if you think i should put it in another place where would you suggest??
again i really appreciate you review, it has helped me a lot. thank you!!!
Repeating 'night' is redundant. It also takes away from the dramatic effect. Also, it seems anti-climatic to say 'it was my last night as a human'; here we are afraid for her, and you go and make it too easy to relax because we know she's going to survive.
Try: "That night was my last, althought I obviously didn't know it at the time." If you want to leave the human part you could say: 'My last night as a human, anyways." Which plays up the fact she is looking back on the event and gives the story a more personal feel because her personality is transfered into the narative.
"the frigid temperature of my attacker"? Obviously my first instict is that this guy is a vampire, since vampires are cold and all, but it might be better for the preface itself if you don't describe his physical temperatute but rather the cold/chill his presence makes her feel. Though I have no idea how to actually write that.
I like the description, it really lets you get a feel for the girl and the world she's lived in...but you didn't follow up on him being a 'cold' attacker. You kind of leave us hanging and don't get into justifying the description until a while later, which takes away from the power of his introduction.
Which brings me to suggesting you work on a way of not changing the flot of the plot by going from attack to flashback. Maybe something along the lines of "While I lay stunned on the ground, I couldn't help but wonder how I'd eneded up in this position." Or something.
[quote]Now I was lying on the wet cement of said alleyway with this strange man standing above me, explaining something.[/quote]
vs.
You change tenses. I think it works because that first bit (second sentence I gave though) was a sort of introduction, but try and look over the tenses to make sure they work in case I'm wrong. =P
not "said alleyway", you didn't actually mention THE alleyway. It would be "one of said alleyways" since you made reference to many.
Nice job describing...but at this late point in the preface, how much of it really helps to advance or is relevant to the story? Try moving some of the description closer to the beginning so we don't have to have the version of the alley we see be shattered by the one we should have seen (for those of us who actually visualize stories, I hear there are ppl who don't =P).
That's all for now. Not too in depth, I will give you some more when I've compared to the first chapter to see if there is any difference in writting style or if it is just my imagination.
YAY!! excited for your comments...the preface was the first thing i wrote (obv) and it was a little weak but i didnt know how to change it so im glad im getting help on that
>.< Read this after Chapter 1. I'm off to bed, but I will definitely come back her and give you come comments (since I actually think I might have some constructive advice this time. =P)
It was good though! Though I definitely feel like the writting in the first chapter was somehow stronger than the writting in the prologue. Not too much, just a little. I'll get back to you on it, since I definitely think it's important to have a strong prologue (since people will read that first and it will decide if they read chapter one, which rocks my socks).
Keep up the good work! Comments comming your way tomorrow.
wow ok thanks those are really good ideas
*goes to edit*
*back from editing*
so i changed the first word, and i went back and added in what she experienced with all the senses she could use and what made sense (i didnt have her taste anything, i thought that would be forcing it)
let me know wat u think
Two main things, one little, one a little more over-arching.
1) Don't start with "Tonight" if you're going to write this scene in past tense. Start with "That night" or suchlike.
2] Take us there. You have the drama, the action down pretty well, but you're doing little to nothing to put us in your characters shoes. We know it's a dark alley, is it smelly? A full moon, the neon lights from a sign, the scuttering of rats in the dark, the gentle drip-drip of a sewer? If this is your character's last human memory, I get the idea that all of these little, seemingly insignificant details would be painted in perfect recall for her: the last time she saw the world through mortal eyes.
Anyway, there you are!
i made some of the corrections you guys suggested...thanks for the help, i appreciate it!!!
I'm not one into Vampires (I'm a Werewolf), but this story was good. I think the others caught most of the same things I did, so I really have nothin' to do but tell you that it was good.
*pawprint*
Lethero the Werewolf
When I said more spacing I meant that you could break the third paragraph up into a couple of paragraphs, other than that the spacings good.
billy-i would really like to thank you for all of your comments. however i wanted to ask your opinion on something...you said that i needed more spacing. when i first wrote this preface it was on long chapter. i dont know why i did it that way,i guess i just liked the way it looked or something. then when i was about to post here, i saw that under the tips it says to make sure you dont just have one big block of text because no one will want to read it....what do you think is better? going back and fixing it into more paragraphs or having it be one whole paragraph?
meep-Ryan is her boyfriend, not her attacker. the attacker doesnt have a name yet. also i think its really odd that you would compare him to lestat. i have read all of anne rice's vampire chronicles but not since tenth grade. if anyone's vampires are fresh in my mind it would be stephenie meyer's. also i dont think you got the point of the preface...she was thinking about Ryan (her boyfriend) when she was attacked by a nameless vampire. also thanks for your other comments, i will definitely keep them in mind
Ryan sounds pretty much exactly like Lestat, only apparently, not dead. I'm a Lestat fangirl, myself, and there's nothing wrong with having a love interest that hot, but the fact that he not only looks like Lestat but apparently dresses like him is ... irksome. Keep in mind that vampire fiction is almost always compared to Anne Rice, so starting the story off with a character who looks remarkably similar to her infamous protagonist might not be such a hot idea.
Then again, starting off with a physical description of an unseen, off stage character might not be such a hot idea, regardless of what they look like. It's boring. Start with some action.
If you want this to be the scene leading up to your narrators undeath, make it more real. Nobody thinks in complete sentences, so maybe have him/her reminiscing about the night, excited that someone told them "I love you" and maybe a little nervous about what that meant, or something. Probably give them a stronger reaction when they find themselves on the ground in an alleyway; do they freak out? scream? panic and tense up and forget what to do? try to get away? Give your narrator a personality. This is his/her story, and should therefore be told from their point of view and in their voice, not a stale narrator-voice. (Also, keep in mind that you don't need to tell us about the six month relationship, or whatever; the narrator already knows that and probably wouldn't articulate it to him- or herself like that; it can be ambiguous at first and we, the readers, can figure out what "took our relationship to the next level" means over time. I mean, s/he's all alone at night, so did they just have sex? Wouldn't that be a little weird? What's up with these people? Making the reader ask questions is a Good Thing™ as long as you answer all - or even better - most of them in a satisfactory manner before the end of the story.)
First of all, you need more spacing. Start a new paragraph when you start a new idea, i.e. when you go from describing her attacker to talking about a dark alley and when you go from that to talking about how she got in a dark alley.
Always type out numbers, and instead of AM you could say in the morning.
I'm not sure, but I think 'low-life' can be both singular and plural.
Aside from that, it's a good beginning, and good descriptions. You make them seem easy. I'd like to see where you take this.
- Billy