When reviewing, please keep in mind that this is only an excerpt. Some things may seem unclear, but that is [mostly] because this is from the middle of the story.
This is my entry for Azila's POV contest, so please crit! And I would really appreciate it if you could answer the questions at the bottom after. 
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I've made a slight edit; hopefully there's an improvement. I struggle with characterization, so any tips on that (and it would be great if you could point out areas where I could develop Blizzard's personality more) are really appreciated. In fact, anyone who does that can expect a critique from yours truly.
Alphess - Part 1
The first shadows of dusk claw their way across the ground, forming a maze of light and shadows on the forest floor. I watch the crimson luminescence filter through the trees in a state of calm rapture; the solitude and serenity here are a blissful refuge from my sullen, quarreling pack.
The sun sinks ever lower. Soft, sparkling rays emanate from it, bathing the dark trunks of the surrounding maple trees in a red glow. It is a fiery scarlet eye cradled between the two hills that slope down from the forest where I rest now.
My pelt begins to prickle, but I do not move; my limbs are heavy with warmth, and I want to enjoy the sunset for a while longer. Here, there are no snapping teeth, no wild eyes glittering with malice. It seems strange that I would enjoy the sunset -- midnight is a time much more to my liking -- but today, I take the time to relax away from the pack.
The dusty earth beneath me is dry and powdery and the sleepy summer heat of it seeps in through the pads of my paws. Motes of dust dance in the shafts of light that slant in through the branches above me. I breathe in deeply and take in a heady combination of white-tailed deer, dry bracken, maple sugar, leaf mould...
"Blizzard?"
A familiar, drifting voice jolts me from my calm observations. My jaws part as the pack mage, Aurora, trots towards me, her agile form reduced to a shadow from the glare. I smelt her just as she appeared.
"Yes?" I reply, and rise to my paws. I shake leaves from my pelt and step forwards towards the she-wolf.
She looks nervous; her ears are flattened, and she shuffles her paws in the leaf mould. The first prickling of anxiety dances down my spine. "Laurel reported strange scents near the border... the border with Heather Pack."
The last traces of contentment leave my body. A snarl tears from between my teeth. The sun -- which only a short while ago had felt warm and soothing between my shoulder blades -- now seems ominous as it sinks beneath the hills. Come nightfall, Bane could be on my land. Aggression knots my muscles; Bane - the Heather Pack Alpha - and I go way back. But that is another story.
A gentle breeze sweeps through the forest, ruffling Aurora's coarse black fur. She swings her head around, nostrils flaring to catch the scents blown up from the valley. A moment later, she presses her ears against her head and growls from deep in her chest.
I incline my head towards the hills. "Shall we?"
She gives me the slightest of nods and we run off into the sunset.
* * *
Power surges through me as I lope down the grassy hillside, tongue lolling between my razor-sharp teeth. My paws press down on the springy grass and I can feel the cool evening air caressing my face.
We rise over another slope, gathering speed. Adrenaline, a feeling so light it is almost painful, unfurls inside me. And then --
The pack stands before us. I catch the flash of wary eyes, the bristling of pelts, the split-second gleam of bared fangs. But I do not even need to observe their body language to know of their feelings; the heavy reek of anxiety and fear is thick in the air. Many of the wolves turn to acknowledge me respectfully, dipping their heads and bringing their tails close to their bellies.
Behind the group, jagged black pine trees encroach on the clearing. The moon has not yet risen -- it is dusk, the space between night and day. The sky above is eerily white, like a stretch of snow.
I lift my head and trot over to them. My eyes seek one wolf in particular: Blackthorn, my mate. But I do not see him in the crowd -- Perhaps he is hunting? Aurora nods to me and flits over to her apprentice, Rowan.
"May I have a word, Blizzard?" I turn to see Laurel, a she-wolf whose pups have just left the nursing den. I nod, and she dips her head respectfully before coming to stand by my side.
"I have news, bad news. Bane and his followers are now on Starlight Pack lands."
I grow cold at her words; an icy fear washes over me like ice creeping over stone. What has my pack done to draw his attention? Shivering despite the heat of the sultry summer evening, I push the thought away and lift my tail.
"Then we will go and confront him."
* * *
The pack flows over a rise in a river of sleek pelts and glittering eyes. I like it the best when we run this way -- as one, each wolf perfectly synchronized with the rest. We are completely silent.
Suddenly, the lake looms in front of us, a glass-like black surface undisturbed by even the smallest ripple. Poppies dip their crimson heads around the shoreline of dark mud.
This is the lake where I met Bane as a pup of nine moons. This is the lake where my son was killed by Heather wolves.
This is the lake where I will have my revenge, if all goes well. If.
"Laurel, Sequoia, Jade," I call, glancing in the direction of two scouts and my daughter. "Skirt the western side of the lake and look for signs."
They dip their heads and brush by me, heading towards the water. As Jade -- my daughter -- passes, I see a small glitter of panic in her eyes. My heart clenches for her; the pack is strong, but the Heather wolves know thing that we do not. Some say that Bane ate a human heart so that he might know the thoughts of man. A growl of anger rumbles in my throat. The rumour, most likely, is not true, though I am sure that Bane would find a way to twist it to his advantage. That is what he does, after all: he feeds on fear, lets wolves believe what they want.
I am interrupted from my thoughts as my mate speaks close to my ear, "Do you want me to take some wolves around the Eastern side?" His breath tickles my cheek. I lean into his shoulder, enjoying the feeling of his warm, soft fur against mine.
"I'll come with you," I murmur. I tell myself that this it is because Bane is more likely to be on the eastern side and that my mate might need my help, but I know that it is because I could not bear it if he were to injure himself.
We lope around to the fringe of the pack, where my beta is speaking to some younger wolves. He postures authoritatively: chest out, ears back, head raised. I watch with amusement as Zeta, a female of six moons, whines and mutters an apology. She is always causing trouble, even in the face of danger.
My beta shifts stances quickly as he sees us. "Blizzard, Blackthorn," he acknowledges us in the respectful manner of a beta to the alpha wolves.
"Takura," Blackthorn greets him with an affectionate nudge to the shoulder.
I dip my head courteously and ask, "Would you mind keeping an eye on the pack for a while? Blackthorn and I are going to patrol the eastern side of the lake."
"Of course not," he rumbles. "It would be an honour."
We give him our thanks and set off towards the water, but are interrupted as three whirlwinds of fur crash into us.
"Mother! Father!" Kesha, the runt of the litter, exclaims, her dark eyes shining like the surface of the lake.
A smile parts my jaws despite the situation. "Kesha, Tigerlily, Clover," I greet them, rasping my tongue over Tigerlily's ears. The other two tumble over each other in their haste to reach Blackthorn. But when he turns to face me, his amber eyes are dark. Our children are so innocent -- how could they possibly understand the depth of the problem? Their brother, Oak, from my first litter, was slaughtered here before they were born.
Blackthorn breaks the ice for me. "Your mother and I are going around the lake," he begins.
I finish for him, "How about you go and play with Rowan for a while? Ask her to teach you some mage-work."
Clover's black eyes shine with excitement. "Okay!" he exclaims, and they run off.
* * *
A chill wind picks up, bending the poppies and brushing our fur to a silky shine. I dig my claws into the earth and press forwards, slitting my eyes. A glance to my side tells me that Blackthorn is doing the same.
From up ahead, a howl shivers through the air. I stop suddenly and crouch down, hackles bristling. Silence floats down like snow, muffling all sound.
I feel the slight vibrations of paw-steps through the earth. Dread creeps stealthily over me. Blackthorn stiffens, drawing his lips back in a snarl.
I know who it is before he appears, but when he does, terror hits me like a blow from a grizzly's paw.
Bane stands on the rise above us, his oily black fur shining with moonlight.
"Blizzard," he intones calmly. His voice is cold and flat, like ice. "It has been too long."
I lift my head. I am an Alphess. I am not afraid.
But I am.
His gaze burns me. His eyes are the same as I remember: a bottomless, moon-ish green -
And suddenly you are nine moons old again, facing the Heather Pack Alpha for the first time. Your breath chafes in your chest and your limbs shake with fatigue.
Bane and his wolves are shifting silhouettes, the edges of their bodies blurring and tearing with the wind. But his eyes are clear and hard, two glaring emerald slashes against his dark, indistinct face.
"What do you want?" you cry miserably.
"What do I want?" Bane laughs. His teeth snap and shine, strangely solid in contrast to his streaming figure. His followers whisper in high, thin voices, "What do you want?" You wonder about this, eyes clouding with uncertainty. Surely, Bane would not offer you whatever you want -- your mother told you he was evil, after all. Your mother...
"I want... I want tonight to have never happened!"
He doesn't answer. Time stretches. It is impossible to read his expression, but you think he looks deep in thought. A small flower of hope blooms in your chest. Could he really erase the past?
When he speaks, that flower withers and dies. "I see the blood on your face, Blizzard," - then, in a whisper of mock despair, "You killed your mother!"
You wince and take a step back. Poppies brush against your legs. You can feel your mother's blood drying on your face, forming a stiff mask. A mask of deceit, a mask of cruelty, a mask of despair.
You whip around, face distorted in feral rage.
"I can offer you with a choice, Blizzard. You have already -" he lets the sentence hang.
Once again, indecision creeps into your mind. You have nowhere to go, no pack to take care of you. Bane is strong. He can teach you things... your mother's words sound in your mind, as soft as dew-beaded flower petals: "Do not trust him, Blizzard. He will consume you. There is no goodness in his heart."
"I don't know!" you wail, tearing up grass with your claws.
He lets out a harsh bark of laughter and steps forwards, menace etching hard lines in the set of his jaw, the way his ears ram forwards.
It is the same. You are here again, with the red, red poppies and the beautiful stars...
"Blizzard!
An urgent voice jolts me back to the present. I feel Blackthorn's nose on my cheek, and I open my eyes to see him gazing anxiously back at me. At first, I am disoriented, but then I tilt my head and see the stars swirling in the sky above me, the skyline of poppies. I stagger to my paws, leaning heavily on my mate's shoulder.
"Bane -- is he still here?" I croak. A twinge of embarrassment prickles inside me; I am an Alphess. I should not have to rely on others all the time.
"Of course I am," the Heather pack alpha replies coldly. Pride forces me not to flinch away from his icy tone; clearly, he has been remembering our first meeting also.
I take a moment to relax. If I am to confront him, I will need all my strength. I shake my fur as if to dislodge water after a rain. But I am removing something else now; memories spin away like droplets of water, each one a crystal-clear snapshot of the past.
"If you have come to convince me to return to your pack," I spit, "then do not waste your breath."
He doesn't even look mildly taken aback -- I wonder if he expected this. "Very well," he says placidly, "then we will have to play a little game."
The fur on my shoulders bristles. Bane is known for his games. "What kind of game?"
He flashes his teeth in a smile. "Hide-and-seek."
I know that he does not mean the kind of hide-and-seek that pups play. He means something more dangerous -- we will enter the spirit world, the world used for mage-work, and search for souls. Our own souls. And if we do not find them...
I turn to Blackthorn and give him a lick on the cheek. "Guard my body, please," I murmur, and sink into the bed of poppies. I ache to open my eyes again, but the anguish in Blackthorn's would be too much to bear.
Waves of emotion crash and roll inside me, but I suppress them under a smothering blanket of calm. I think of blankness, of indifference - the image of the dusk sky comes to mind: as white and unblemished as snow. Soon, I feel my soul begin to drift...
The spirit world shimmers into view before me. Bane crouches low in the crimson darkness, waiting.
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Yes, I know it needs a lot of work.
QUESTIONS:
1: Does the second person work for Blizzard's flashback?
2: Do you find that the first tense is distracting?
3: Could you picture the events clearly in your mind's eye?
Thank-you!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Overall, I thought that the description was incredibly detailed and quite wonderful, though possibly unnecessary in places.
I understand why you would think that the second person might be strange. At first I did not understand what was happening, though when she came back to reality, it became obvious. Sadly, I cannot think of any ways to make this more obvious at the time, other than to reveal to the reader that she is sinking into a flash-back somehow.
Though you say that you cannot gain Blizzard's character as much as you would like, I don't feel that it is too much of a problem, as this can be developed either before or after this extract. Maybe add a few words about different senses, this always adds a new perspective and deepness to character I find.
Generally, I really enjoyed reading it and would happily continue finding out about what happens next.
Good Luck!!
Ooh.... One more thing I noticed:
Even though this is fantasy, I think it would be good if you incorporated more of the natural wolf behavior/hierarchy type stuff. I know you mentioned one of the wolves having pups 'just out of the nursery'. In the wild, this (as you probably know) would be really rare. Also, wolves don't spend their lives in one central 'camp' but rather move around, following their prey. Just something to think about.......
Hey Wolf, I don't think I've critiqued any of your work yet, so here it goes.
Oh, and most of this is plain nitpicky, so don't take it too seriously. 
1.
Although the descriptions in this flow well in some places, they seem quite too much in others. An example would be:
It left me thinking: okay, that's all pretty and stuff, but I want some action! You definetley don't leave your readers wondering what things look like in your story, but some places in your story are more meant for actiony type stuff (like dialogue, progress in the plot, etc) than just description.
Your beginning is also an example of where description isn't really neccessary. It doesn't really draw your reader in. Feel free to put in description after you've written a very strong beginning, but not as the beginning. Oooh, that was very confusing. I hope you understand. Anyway, onto the next thing.
2.
You said in the beginning that this was an excerpt from the middle of your story. I disagree that this should be the middle of the story...For now. Unless, you plan to put Blizzard's mother's death before all of this and her first meeting with Bane. If not, it wouldn't really make sense to intorduce all of that now, in the middle of the story.
I'm sure you have a good reason for all of this, but I thought I would mention it anyway.
3.
This story flows very well. It's almost like a lullabye to me. It flows just like water. That is very good and I'm jealous, becuase I suffer from making my stories to choppy.
When you're not over-describing in some places, your description is very lovely (this is part of the reason why it has the lullabye effect on me).
Again, my suggestions would be to take out some of the descriptions, especially in the beginning, and work on your beginning (try putting in some more oomph).
It has been a pleasure reviewing your work and I look forward to reviewing the next parts,
Nariel.
Really have nothing negative to say. I liked it, thought it was interesting, and well-written. Write on.
Thanks so much lupis! =)
I'm glad you like the edited version better. Hopefully, you'll like the extra-edited version even more! XP
Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. I do have a reason planned out for Bane's evilness, so maybe I'll incorporate it/explain it in part two? You know, when they're in the spirit world. Or something.
And I'll work on motives, too!
Thanks again,
Camille xx
Hi!
I really like this version. Blizzard seems to have a bit more personality, and the Cliches have been toned down and made beleilveable.
One negative thing I did notice though, was that the flow seems to have been disrupted a teency bit when you edited.... But that may be just me.
Here are another few things I noticed this time around:
Nice description here, but it could be toned down a bit... I really like the imagery, but stuff like 'crimson luminescence' kinda distracted me.
Wait a second... That doesn't really sound right. Maybe find another word besides bitter? I dunno....
ooh... I have to go soon, so I'll wrap it up. One thing I'd say about the characterization is to work on motive. You've done a good job making Blizzard and some of the other charrys have personalities, but they also have to have a reason to do what they do. (ex. Bane. He has to have some motive for being 'evil'.
If you think about it, nobody really thinks they are 'evil'... They usually have some excuse for what they do. Think about it!
Thanks so much, Heather!
Your suggestions for characterization really helped. I will be working on this more before moving on two part two, and I'll fix the nit-picks as soon as I get back from the country (I'll be back tonight).
And Zills -- yeah, I've got character outlines. I'm not sure what to do about Bane but I'll think about it and hopefully make him less bothersome/clichéd. =P
Thanks again! I really appreciate it.
- Camille xx
I think I will start by answering your questions...
1: Does the second person work for Blizzard's flashback? [At first it felt a little out of place but I think it was original and it helped the reader to feel more involved with the story. So yes, I think it does work but keep it fairly short.
2: Do you find that the first tense is distracting? No. I think it could be used more effectively to give a deeper insight into Blizzard's charachter but it didn't distract me.
3: Could you picture the events clearly in your mind's eye? Yes. You have some beautiful description and you set the scene well at the beginning. I would suggest maybe describing the land as you go along a little more though. the change in surroundings as they run and what they pass as they patrol the Eastern side. You lose the easy visualisation a little there. You mention poppys but not much else.
That leads me on to one of my main criticisms. There's little sense of time in this piece. At the beginning, you mention that the sun is sinking beneath the hills so how dark is it when they reach the lake? Should it not be night by then?
And the other is characterization. The piece is written in a gentle, very natural tone of voice but there's no real hatred shown. Blizzard seems mild. Maybe a touch solitary at points but she didn't feel moody to me. If you want to give that impression, you need to show it through her dialogue and thoughts. Have her snap at some of the wolves or at least glare or snarl. Have her seem off edge - that would show her fear better. Have her seem cautious, hesitant to go on patrol and only agree when she realises her mate would go alone.
And she needs a more protective streak I think. The whole revenge story hints that she cares about her cubs a lot and yet she sends Jade off to patrol and tells the others to go play? Even if they are young, she should give them some warning not to stray from the group and set one of the other wolves to guarding them.
Also, a few small, specific suggestions -
The sun -- which only a short while ago had felt warm and soothing between my shoulder blades -- now [s]seemed[/s] seems ominous as it [s]sank[/s] sinks beneath the hills. [You have to be careful when writing in present tense. If she's reflecting back, use past but when she changes to the present again, the tense must change too, even if it's mid sentence.]
"May I have a word, Blizzard?" I turn to see Laurel, a she-wolf [s]who's[/s] whose pups have just left the nursing den. [Characterization alert. Okay so her pups have just left the nursing den but what does that tell us about her? Is she particularly soft and gentle at the moment? Is she on high alert to defend her pups? Show how this carrys through into her character, how she is affected by it.]
I like it [s]the[/s] best when we run this way -- as one, each wolf perfectly synchronized with the rest. [This is contradicting your earlier characterization to some extent. First you portray her as solitary and then she likes to run with the whole pack all pressed close together. Wouldn't she prefer free style? When she can run out ahead and take her own path?]
My heart clenches for her; the pack is strong, but the Heather wolves know things that we do not.
"Blizzard," he intones calmly. His voice is cold and flat, like ice. "It has been too long."
________________________
In general, this is good. The description is beautiful and it's well written but you need to work on the characters. Does Blizzard's mate maybe dislike how soft she is with the children? You hinted at that but you need to do more than hint, you need to carry the characterization through and make it clear. I hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
Hello Camille. I see that you summoned me to critique the revised version. Well here I am. Lets roll.
The explaination as to why as she wanted to enjoy the sunset is too direct and linear. If you have read published diaries, you will find that the reasons for their actions
Do you have a character outline of her? That could help you as you go along.
And please, try to make there be something that makes Bane less cliché. He kind of bothers me. XD
~Azila~
P.S. Oh yeah, that was a long crit, wasn't it? 0.o I hadn't planned on making it one, it just came out! Haha.
YES!
Encouragement is very nice to hear.
Zills: thanks so much! That actually was a long review, I think. And helpful. I see what you mean about characterization and I'll just do a little more work on that before I start writing part two. The nit-picks will be fixed right away.
Aedomir: thanks!
Thanks for the reviews! *happiness*
- Camille xx
PS. Azila mentioned that Blizzard seems moody -- she is. I was hoping that someone would notice that. =)
I loved this updated version. I can't remeber what the old one was like but let me tell you how much I adore that first paragraph. Others may diagree but I see that imagery as a wonderful description and we can see just what is flowing through the wolf's mind.
I just genuinly loved this, and you are clearly a fantastic writer.
I don't do grammar, it has already been done as we have seen.
This is great and the plot is very appealing, if not a bit done. That isn't a bad thing though, because you have put your own voice on it.
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Hi there, Wolf! Sorry I didn't get this to you sooner, I saved it as a draft then my computer wouldn't let me on... Anyway:
Isn't moonrise and sunset pretty much the same thing, just depending on if you're facing East or West? *confused*You haven't edited TOO too much, and my general views are pretty much the same. Just a warning: my crit probably won't be very long. ^_^
This feels a little "telly." Try, "I breathe in deeply and take in a heady combination of white-tailed deer, dry bracken, maple sugar, leaf mould..."
Delete the "had." It makes it in the past perfect (I think) and it should just be the past. On second thought, why don't you just delete this sentence all together? It strikes me as a little unnecessary.
Get rid of the "I feel" and just make it, "Aggression knots my muscles; Bane - the Heather Pack Alpha - and I go way back."
This is a matter of opinion, really, but I think it would flow better if you replace the comma after "heads" with "and"
The use of "encroach" seems a little awkward here... maybe "Behind the group, jagged, black pine trees encroach on the clearing." or something like that? It just strikes me as a little odd the way it is.
Especially because this is a reoccurring theme, I suggest that you pick something other than snow--something more eerie. Snow doesn't seem all that eerie to me...
This seems a little strange to me... kind of abrupt, no?
This is pretty nitpicky, but sometimes you capitalize "heather" and sometimes you don't. make it more consistent. ^_~
You used the word "posture" before, to describe the beta's stance--maybe find a different one (like "stance")?
You can delete the first "here"
Shouldn't that be "grizzly's paw"?
This is a bit awkward, maybe try: "He lets out a harsh bark of laughter and steps forwards, menace etching hard lines in the set of his jaw, the way his ears ram forwards."
In the flashback, "heather pack alpha" is all capitalized, but here none of it is...
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My overall views are pretty much the same as last time, but I'll try to give you some tips on characterization.
Firstly, one of the things that bothers me is that you have a lot of "I do this. I smell this. I feel this." type sentences going on. They make the first person lass powerful and don't allow the reader to connect with the character as well. Here's an example:
Try changing it to something like, "A familiar, drifting voice jolts me from my calm observations. My jaws part as the pack mage, Aurora, trots towards me, her agile form reduced to a shadow from the glare."There are scattered sentences like this throughout the piece, so if you have trouble finding them feel free to PM me and I'll help you out!
Another thing is that I've noticed that Blizzard seems very moody; one second she's basking in the sunset, next moment aggression is tearing at her insides. At first I thought this was a bad thing, but that can actually make her personality more defined--if you elaborate on it. ^_~
Another tip I have is try giving her some random little likes/dislikes/fears/cravings. Those (however subtle) can help develop a character, in my opinion.
Overall, I say you move on. Don't necessarily try to fit in all the character development into the first chapter... post more!!!
As always, PM me if I was unclear about anything.
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
Okay, so I've done a slight edit. It's not much -- I'm going to be revising it more, making it more obvious as to why Blizzard and Bane hate each other, and incorporating the rest of the pack into the main conflict so they don't just seem like throwaways.
Any reviews are [s]needed, craved, demanded[/s] appreciated!
Cheers,
Camille xx
Thanks so much, you guys! I don't know what I would do without you.
I was actually feeling discouraged about this, because I'd hit a wall in my rewrite: characterization. But now that I've read your reviews, I feel encouraged again! So I'm going to finish my edited version, and hopefully type it up at school. I can't at home because I'm grounded, AGAIN. >.<
Thanks again! Your critiques made my way.
- Camille xx
Hello, Camille!
A little voice inside me is saying that that period should be a semi-colon... of course, little voices aren't known for being trustworthy. >.>This is a little strange--maybe try something like this: "The dusty earth beneath me is dry and powdery and the sleepy summer heat of it seeps in through the pads of my paws." I just don't like beginning with "I feel..." it's like saying "I want to incorporate the sense of feel, but how should I do it?" ^_~
I think this mood change was a bit sudden. She was basking in the sun, then all of a sudden she's aggressive and angry?
Firstly, you should try not to start sentences with "suddenly"... just as a general rule. Secondly, this format feels a little repetitive: she was running through the hills with Aurora when she suddenly came upon the glistening pack... now she was running through the hills with her pack when she suddenly sees the glistening lake. Get my meaning?
Like others have said, this is a little cliché... but I guess it's part of the plot, so there really isn't much I can do about it.
This is a little cliché as well, but it doesn't bother me because it's just what some people think, which can be as cliché as they want. But that's not what I was going to say.
I suggest you make this one sentence by making the period a comma and delete the "we" in the second part.
This is a little awkward. I think it would be more powerful as: "Bane and his wolves are shifting silhouettes, the edges of their bodies blurring and tearing with the wind."
Ooh, I love this bit here! ^_^
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1: Does the second person work for Blizzard's flashback?Yes, it works. It's a little strange, but I think that's just because I'm not used to it. I like it, though, it's original, well-done and effective.
2: Do you find that the first tense is distracting?First tense?
3: Could you picture the events clearly in your mind's eye? Oh yes!--Enough said.
Some other things to work on:
Avoiding Cliché-ness.
You're probably thinking, "no duh!" but I thought I'd give a little lecture anyway.
Being Realistic.
This is one of the issues that entered into judging and kept me from giving you the first place that was so tempting. I know this is fantasy, and your wolves might not be how real wolves are in matters of magic and whatnot, but there are certain things that I feel should be taken into account when writing from the POV of an animal. One thing is that you've got talking wolves here. I guess that's alright because it wouldn't be a very interesting story otherwise, but it's something to think about. Another thing is body language. Mostly, you use it well (like when the wolves are sticking their tails to their bellies and stuff) but sometimes you don't. Here's an example: Do wolves smile? ^_~
Overall, I really loved this! Your descriptions are beautiful and paint the scenes perfectly without telling, and your characters (even if they are a little cliché) are exhilarating to read about. (sorry this section isn't that long--I'm better at pointing out the negatives than the positives... it doesn't mean that I don't like it by ANY means!)
Please PM me when you post more of this, I wanna read it!!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
Ok... Here is your belated review. Congratz on getting honorable mention in Azila's contest!
First, the typos and corrections.
nitpicky, but I'm pretty sure this is spelled 'mold'..
This sentence is kinda awkward.... Maybe consider revising it or encorporating that detail in the previous sentence?
Not to sure about these sentences either.
Again, this is cliche, and frankly, not very beleivable. I was interested in where you are going with it though....
And?
Wait..... What? Mother killing is also a cliche, but this whole passage was confusing. I'm hoping you will elaborate on this later.
Hmm... I think you should have elaborated on this a bit.... Also.. If it is so dangerous, why the heck would she consent to DO it in the first place? If she doesn't want to, couldn't she just kick Bane out of her territory and leave? Even if there is some part of information i'm not getting, it just doesn't seem realistic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Overall: Very nice description! It flowed very nicely and felt light. I also found the first person interesting, but I kind of liked it.
This reminds me a whole heck of a lot of the Warriors series..... Have you read it?
Oh, and one more point:
The main charry seems a bit............. I dunno how to describe it, but this was one of the things that came up with the judging of the contest. She seems to lack depth, other than that scene you showed us from her past.
This is all I have to commetn on for now, but if you decided to edit this or post more of it, PM me, and I'll give you a review.
Good Job!
~Lupis
Hmmph.... I don't have time to do a proper critique at the moment, but I'll work on it and get back to you.... I promise!
<3s,
~lupis
Many thanks to you both!
Ning >> thanks! I'll change those things in my rewrite. =)
RedWing >> you're right, I should change that. Thanks for your comments!
Cheers,
Camille
Only thing though, The part about Bane eating a human heart and knowing the ways of man sound like Sgorr from the book Fire Bringer by David Clement-Davies....
But Otherwise It was really good and i enjoyed reading it
ello Camille
Mentioning this once,
Again! Don't repeat yourself.
That don't make much sense... I don't have any suggestions. But warmth doesn't make you heavy it makes you sleepy.
You don't have to change it, thats just my opinion.
Since when do wolves smile?
May I suggest a warm yip parted my lips, or something.
I also notices that you say I, I, I. It gets annoying, try making less sentences that start with 'I'. It just makes it all sound odd.
I don't think someone would say that there hair was blond. Let alone a wolf saying there pelt was white, to themselves. Besides you have already told us about her pelt.
You can get rid of towards or forwards, you don't need both of 'em.
snarls don't come from teeth... Maybe you could say lips, or throat, or maw... something.
I don't see you describing the other wolves as much as Blizzard, maybe since you are writing from her point of view, describe less of what she looks likes and more of what the other wolves look like.
Nods? Is she bouncing her head up and down a lot? Or is she on some drug :p It sounds that way... Maybe you could get rid of the 's' and clear that up a bit. It just sounds odd, to me.
I am sorry, I have to go... I will continue my crit tomorrow
YES! Of course! Just make sure of one thing...
PM me first
*glomps*
Thanks so much, Andy! That was a really helpful critique.
I'm glad you liked that idea, and I am planning to re-write this. I will hopefully be adding more characterization and more explanation of the conflict between Blizzard and Bane - I'll PM you when I post it, if you want.
Anyways, thanks! I was hoping that you would review this... which reminds me, if there's anything of yours that you'd like me to crit, let me know.
Cheers,
Camille
Hello Camille. I bet Gwen did told you that I'm going to review this. She was right
Prepare yourself thy mortal, this is a critique served extra hot from the fires of heck 
This is good imagery and right off the bat too. I liked the level of depth here in the imagery, though I was a bit stuck on "calm rapture" and had to reread it a few times to understand it's meaning. I think it's because it's a bit vague in a way, but meh this is just a nitpick so don't worry.
I find the following sentences a cliche. How many fantasies have you read/watched where a character's loved one ( or relative) gets killed and seeks revenge?
Love the description. It's only the repetition of "dislodge" that threw me off here.
Why did she wanted to enjoy the sunset more? This could actually be an important place to develop your character further.
Overall impressions:
Merit points for this piece would be awarded to your descriptions, grammar and spelling.
It's pretty obvious as to why I should acknowledge you for your descriptions. The way that it is written captures the reader's attention and it really rivets the reader along. Part of that is probably the compelling senses it holds as well as the way it is nicely structured and holds quite a bit of depth. Your grammar and spelling is very good. I don't think I've spotted a single grammar and spelling mistake so kudos to you. If what you need to work on for your descriptions, I suggest using the technique of extended metaphor for this piece, as it would had the writing more in-depth. I'll explain the extended metaphor point below.
Now for the bad things. Two major points. 1. Characters 2. The plot/ ideas themselves.
1. Characters on the framework level are alright. I like the characters at this level (Blizzard as the name of your main character wolf reminds me of some kind of digimon/ pokemon fantasy creature which is a good thing, since I like that kind of stuff ) and I think it holds potential. However, when it comes to fleshing out your characters, this is where you have problems with.
The most obvious to start with would be Blizzard herself. Well I didn't get a really good sense of who Blizzard, other than the things which were stated in the piece. I know that she is a wolf, I know that she is part of a pack, I know that she is enemies with a wolf named Bane etc etc. Yes, you have defined a character, but you failed to actually carry it beyond the text. In other words, you didn't make the reader think about Blizzard further than what's written in the text. This is due to a lack of further character development.
For example:
I know that I've already quoted this before but I want to repeat myself. This could actually be a good place to develop Blizzard further, but you just left it there and fail to capture the true essence of such a sentence. Why did Blizzard wanted to enjoy the sunset further? I wanted to know, but you didn't incorporate her character into the story as strongly as I would had hoped.
I've already stated that this is a cliche and why. This seemed to be one of the major factors that dictates Blizzard's actions, but you didn't really elaborate on this further. Cliches are cliches on the framework level, but they can't be cliches if you take the idea and develop it further in your own way, making the idea yours. This is rather vague, and I fail to see how Blizzard's son's death was that shocking to her. Why would Blizzard want revenge anyways? Just saying because her son got pwned is not good enough. Why did Blizzard loved her son so much that she would be willing to seek revenge against those that was responsible for the crime?
I'll give you one more example:
Ok, the following is the scene where Blizzard dukes it off with Bane...and to be honest, I just can't see the motivations as to why they were enemies. All this scene did really was trigger some flashback from Blizzard, and even the flash back didn't explain much of the Blizzard VS Bane affair. It only showed what happened, but what is the point of showing the past if we can't relate to it in the mind? I mean why would Bane and his gang would be after her in the first place? Why did she not want to erase this event from her memory? What was the point of Blizzard asking Bane " What do you want"? and Bane replying with "What do you want"? These questions may seem obvious, but when you actually answer them yourself and work it with the plot, you will find yourself that it makes your characters more in-depth and leet. Eventually, you will find out some more in-depth motivations and explanations as to why characters would act/think the way they do. As for the character's dialogue, I can sum it up in two words: Captain Obvious.
My second point is the plot. When I finished reading this, I had to reread it to actually figure out the central plot of this. I noticed that the plot is actually revealed half way to the story, which is too dang slow for me ( and to a number of readers). The story takes too long to get to the point, and when it does, there isn't even much of it to think about. You could had cut out so much junk in this piece, such as Blizzard's pack ( you don't need them, their contribution to the central plot is immaterial ). You focused so much on Blizzard's pack and society that it wasn't really relevant. The plot is ultimately revolved around Blizzard VS Bane, and not on other useless things. I want to care for Blizzard, I really do, but you don't focus on Blizzard and Bane as much as I had hoped...
If you are planning on rewriting this (which I hope you do), I suggest that you focus more on Blizzard, the conflict between Blizzard and Bane, and also this:
I'm quite interested with this. Can you actually work this gaia concept with the fantasy in the rewrite? It would provide a much more insight into your characters and how they think/act, not to mention that I would feel much more compelled with your story from all of its intrigue.
Overall? I thought it was ok. I almost liked it, but it fell short on ideas/ characters not being as fleshed out and in-depth as it should had, and the plot itself riddled with mostly waffle.
Andy.
P.S: Have you ever heard of a technical term called "extended metaphor"? I actually suggest that you should experiment it with your writing, as your style seems to suit it. Basically, an extended metaphor is a comparison between two things, but it is continued beyond the first point of comparison. Research the term and study up on some examples. If you need help feel free to PM me Camille.
Thanks Aedomir!
I do see what you mean about it being cliché. >.< I'm not sure what to do about it, though.
Anyways. Do you think I should continue this? It is Part One, after all. (Blizzard is a character in my larger novel - this is just a novella that I've decided to write about her.)
Cheers,
Camille
Hey! Nice to see a bit more descriptive fantasy (I love descriptive scenes!). The first paragraph I thought was really well presented. In fact I also loved it in the second... and the third... and the fourth actually! Come to think of it, ther was barey anthing I disliked. You made a really good scene without going overboard and I think this was a very good job here.
Hm... I see you like wolves more than I thought you did!
Nah, this is great I really liked it. The only trouble, is that its a bit cliche when it comes to wolves, try another animal (for once!) or if you are truly devoted to wolves, put another view on it, if you get what I mean.
Keep Writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Thanks Gryph!
I'm glad that the second person works.
- Camille
Yes. It was interesting to read a flashback in second person. I have never seen that done before. Really neat idea.
Actually, I didn't even realize that it was in present tense until you said something. So, no, this isn't distracting at all.
Yes. You did a masterful job.
Really great read. It reminds me a great deal of the games my best friend and I used to play when we were younger, where we were wolves and there were pack rivalries and everything. It brings back some great memories. So thanks for that.
Nice job. Your descriptions were great. You handled the antho wolves well, without making them too human.
Good luck in the contest!
~GryphonFledgling
I stole it from someone? Umm... no, I don't think I did. I didn't take this idea, characters, plot, setting etc from anyone else. What do you mean?
Camille! During math? Why did I never get to read it?
And the answer to all your questions are "yes".
I think that it has a lot if originality to it, although you did steal it from some person (can't remember their name).
There's a lot of spacing wich is essential and I like the way you put a lot of detail to it. It enlightens the story gives it more splash.
Why do you say it isn't good?
It was great!
Hope you go on more often, o.k?
shanan-cat to Igor-tab!
Thanks you guys!
Kyte >> Yes, it was intentional. =)
shanan >> Haha, thank-you. I did it... erm, during math class. XD
- Camille
Camille! When did you get time to do this?
It was amazing! I have nothing wrong with it.
shanan-cat!
Hey, Ayra. First off, let me say I liked this. And second, I notice all the alphas' names begin with B. Was that intentional?
GG >> Thanks! Clichés are very annoying.
I'll fix those things right away! I really appreciate your review.
Fairy >>
Yay! I love YWS - two reviews already!
Thanks,
Camille
I really loved reading this. you describe everything excellently and you bring the animals to life.
I'll answer your questions first
1. I think the second person does work
2. I find the first tense intersting
3. yes I could picture everything clearly
I couldn't find many things that could be improved and there is only a few grammer mistakes.
do you mean the instead of 'a'?
I think it's smelt.
other then that it was great.
you used very pretty names
good look with the contest
~Fairy
I like it fiorst off thank you for making it easy to read because some stories are really hard to read because there are no spaces in between paragraphs. Also because it isn't emo or cliche. That is why i like it. I am finally reading something that isn't Emo or cliche which i hate the most. Gah! I hate cliche's. Do you? They are very annoying AFTER Awhile.
Well I have nothing to crtique here, Just becareful on grammar there are few grammar mistakes here and there but not very important. GG
TTYL SimonCowellLuver/Gothgirl01