Hi,
This has all been moved under my lakegirls account. I will no longer be using this one.
-Nicole.
Hi,I have a confession to make about my story Diary. It is only based on true events. I had to change a few things around because I was afraid that M was going to come on this and read it or someone from class.
I was protecting myself from my real user name, which is lakegirls. I am lakegirls but also strawberrywine. I was trying to hid my story from a friend but she found out so the jig is up. I have no idea how people are going to react to this or if they will even care.
I know that I should not have created another account just to put this on. I was scared of M though. What she would do if she found that I told so many people what she did.
I wish that you can all forgive me and I will move all this under my lakegirls account.
Also, can I be kicked off the site because of this. I only did it because I was proud of my writing but I was afraid about what M might do to me.
-N, lg*
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi!
I like these as opening sentences; you use the classical 'once upon a time' with your own unique twist. But maybe a comma after 'body'? Here, I'll just re-word it: Once upon a time, there was a girl. She got perfect grades, had the perfect body, and had a perfect life -- completely.
Comma after 'Clearly' and the bold words indicate repetition. You can get rid of the second 'perfect' and it will be much cleaner to read.
I think 'down hill' is one word: downhill. At least, my spell-check says so, lol.
Comma after '2003'.
'dieing' should be 'dying'.
'Grandparents' should be: Grandparents'. And replace the comma after 'Grandparents' with a semicolon.
I think it should be: '... and M believed that by doing this, Mom had killed him.'
I think this sentence could be more powerful as: I wanted her out of my life anyway -- I didn't care how it happened, I just wanted her gone. ('Anyways' isn't a real word, not in literature. 'Anyway' is the proper term.)
I think it should be: Another time, she was on msn -- something that causes a lot of problems in my house -- and the phone started ringing. At midnight.
There needs to be a period after 'later'.
You use one single quotation mark and one double quotation mark for 'chat'. It needs to be either "chat" or 'chat'.
Replace the comma after 'room' with a semicolon.
Ewa! Anyway, Those phrases should be: Mom went out and the only thing that I can still remember exactly is her saying this to mom: "I could hear you screwing my Dad when he used to come back from being away. You were moaning so loud that I had to listen to my CD player to block you out."
Semicolon after 'wonder'.
[quoter]
She came in the room and was like “You wouldn’t care if I took this whole bottle of pills tonight, would you, Steph? You want me to die, don’t you”
[/quote]
There needs to be a comma or a colon after 'like' and a question mark after 'you'.
'bleed' should be 'bled'.
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This actually happened?
As for the actual quality of the writing, it's good and I quite like it. There isn't really any poetic descriptions, and usually I love to read imagery like that, but as Heather said, it flows very well. Most of he problems were grammatical and I think I pointed most of them out above.
(Since this is your diary, I won't critique the actual events.)
Overall, this is good. Your characterization is pretty thorough, though I think your mom could be more fleshed out.
I hope things get better for you, and keep writing!
- Camille xx
This is good. I'll not critique the content as a diary entry really doesn't call for that but I'm glad you let your natural voice show through and it's well structured. I agree that the grammar needs work and that's what I'm going to critique. Here's a few mistakes I noticed, they're all in the order of reading the piece so hopefully you shouldn't have too much trouble finding each sentence -
Considering whoever picks it up and then reads up to the 6th page could go and ruin my life.
It holds an entire caboodle of my deepest, darkest secret.
Everything that annoys me or gets me excited. [This might sound smoother as 'Everything that annoys or excites me.']
[s]They’re[/s] There are too many.
I started sleeping with Mom, because I was too afraid to sleep in my own room
Saying “If you don’t bring me to the hospital I will kill [s]my self[/s] myself.”
That same night two of her friends came over, with one of their [s]mom’s[/s] moms, to try and calm M down.
[s]Her two[/s] Two of her other friends came over another night.
It was only this year that it turned into [s]to[/s] physical abuse. I was scared out of my mind, when I used to sit in Mom’s room with a pillow clutched to my chest.
Something had screwed up her day so once again she took it out on Mom and me.
Some nights she used to go out and watch TV and lock me in her room, I felt like a princess locked in a tower then.
“I could hear you screwing my Dad when he use[It's okay to include phonetic spelling in dialogue but maybe change it to use' so that it looks more professional?] to come back from being away.
I was going to call the police [s]my self[/s] myself that night, but I had no clue what to tell them.
I had to beg her [s]too[/s] to.
We had a plan that we were just going to ask Uncle Kenneth (Jake’s dad, he was kind of drunkish) and not tell our [s]mom’s[/s] moms because we knew that they would say no.
___________________________
In general, your writing is clear, it flows well and you describe the scenes well in places though it could be better in others. But for a diary entry, this is very good. And I'm sorry about your father and the way your sister acts. Life can be tough sometimes but it's our experiences that give us our inspiration.
I hope this aids your grammar a little,
Heather xx
Oh, yeah, this really draws you in. I know a bunch of people thought it was fiction when they read it, but the way you wrote it, I could tell it was real. It's a very sad state of things. But we're here to support each other in every way, not just to improve our writing.
For the amount of information you've included, if you did decide to publish this, I'd suggest restructuring it a little bit, into a personal essay rather than a journal entry. Though there are a few things I do wonder about. Such as why she wasn't recommended for a psychiatric evaluation when she first cut herself and was taken to the hospital.
I applaud your bravery, and hope to see more from you.
You are an extremely brave person for writing this. Writing is reliving, as I always say, and to relive it is brave. I'm sorry about your dad, and that your sister is acting like this. You ever need someone to talk to, I'm always listening. PMs always welcome.
Okay, you said a bit about your grammar. In a journal entry, I normally don't complain. People aren't perfect in journals. However, if you want it grammar checked for you, I'll volunteer. Just give me a couple of days to get over the flu (I've been in bed for the past few days) and I'll grammar check for you.
Congrats to you for the way you set mood in this, and for being so brave as to put it up.
Lady Kyra
This is the kind of work that really drags a person in, especially with how real it is. I couldn't stop reading once I started.
the bolded part probably could be put in parantheses, and fit in with the other asides in the entry.I love all of the forshadowing included within the entry, really makes me want to keep reading to find out what happens.
At this point:
I think that this aside,
might fit better at the end of the paragraph. That way the sentence with you and Kate planning on staying over will be finished without the interruption, but you'll still have the explanation.
I really am amazed at all of the details that you've included in this entry, my journal entries are never as detailed as this.
I think that you should continue to write this. You don't have to publish it anywhere at the moment, besides here, of course,
*hugs*
Hi,
I know. It seems like fiction. Some of things are so horrible. I really want to show people but I'm afraid to show someone that I know, besides Kate, because of other people finding out. I was going to enter it in chicken soup, but I never could do it. I think putting it here is safe though, no one knows me.
-steph
Oh...
This really happened? Wow. I didn't know that. Well, I'm sorry. I thought this was fiction...
-Jared
Hi,
Thank you for all the support. It is really hard living with M. I have lots more to tell, like where M is right now. I won't spoil the surprise. I know my grammar is horrible. If there is anyone willing to help fix it up for me, please personal message me. Kate is gong to help me fix it up as well. I have thought about putting this into a chicken soup book, but chances are someone from my class, or M, will read it and I really don't want them finding out. I have lots more to tell in my Diary. So keep reading.
-steph
I think I saw 1 grammar error that I meant to point out, but it was supper time so now I have no clue where it went. =P
This is really good, you write very well. I'm sorry to hear your sis is/was so insane.
Thanks for sharing your diary with us, it was very touching. I don't know if you have plans for this, but if you fleshed it out you could actually turn it into a book. They always say to write what you know, and you have something very real here that I think people would be glad you shared with them. A sort of 'based on a true story' deal, if not an autobiography type thing.
*hug!* Be brave!
^_^ Keek!
This was pretty emotional to read. I have a slightly similar situation my own household, so it was like reading my situation in a different way. All I can say is that I'm praying for you and your mom.
My biggest critique of this work is that you should capitalize the word "mom" when you are using it as a name for your mother.
Otherwise, you have some typos that I can't seem to find again and some omitted words. Your grammar isn't quite the best. I understand that this is a journal entry and I must say that this takes some guts to put up, but if you are going to post it for all to see, you're going to want to make it as good as possible.
Good luck with your life and your writing!
~GryphonFledgling
Hey! Welcome to YWS! I'm Jared, I'll be you're critiquer for today.
Well, I'll give you a couple things that you did excellently and some things that you really have to improve on.
Good things first.
- Clear personality.
- Wonderful wording.
- Great dramatization
- A little tell-y but for the most part you showed us.
- It kept me on the edge of my seat to see what was going to happen next.
Some bad stuff.
- Your grammar is simply horrible. I'm sad to say it. I would go back, print this off and use a bright highlighter to find all of the mistakes. Because, frankly, the grammar is horrible.
- I'm not quite sure what this is... you say that this is in a diary/journal entry? I think it is... anyway, nothing to complain about there...
Great job! This was a fantastic start. But really, go back and fix the grammar. Please.
-Jared
Whoah this is really good.
I definitely don't mean what happened but the way you laid it out and told everything perfectly.
I'm sorry about your dad.
Does your sister still act like that?
It's all so horrible but it's made me think alot and drew me in.
I can't imagine what it must be like.
My diary is nothing like this (I mean that in a good way)
Welcome. I hope you like YWS!
bye
~Blue Fairy
I love your avatar
Wow...I read that, and the whole time, I was thinking "This has to be some kind of fiction. No way could this really have happened."
It's horrible that this kind of stuff could be going on. The way you write it, it sounds as if M is almost a personification of hatred itself. It must take a lot for someone to share something so personal.
The writing itself is interesting. The vernacular that you use really drew me in; made me feel like I was seeing things played out before my eyes. By the end, I wasn't so much reading a story as I was watching a life being played out.
That story really hit home with me. It just seems so personal that I find myself speechless.