Rei

Your beginning is fantastic. I really wanted to know who or what this "thing" was. Very well written. I definitely encourage you to continue it. Could you break up the ...

Kind of reminded me of what was happening in my school when I was in grade ten, and very believably. For a while, we were constantly having false fire alarms, ...

Your first mistake is waiting until the second paragraph to give us your characters name. It doesn't help. Neither does the tone. The character feels very real for me, but ...

It wouldn't surprize me if your parents probably thought it was a lot more than it really was. As nicklepickle said, talk your mom. Make sure you have all of ...

I don't have a problem with writing about suicide, but it should feel personal. There should be a reason there, some thoughts, even if you don't say exactly what that ...

First of all, your intro is very cheesy, and a bit insulting for a fantasy writer to read. You wrote it, so it is therefore not beyond your imagination, so ...

I'll have to second what Writersdomain said about your opening sentence, and really the entire first paragraph. Overall, it's an okay start. I agree with the points made already, positive ...

What I see here is a big story in a far-too-small package. You've got the language of a folktale down, and it sounds good, but the story here seems to ...

Not bad. I agree that it could be more emotional. For that, you need to dig deep within yourself and think of what it's like to be in this situation, ...

Very nice. The characters feel very real. You make me want to care about them, and the situation they are in. It's all very believable. Your sentnce-structure could use a ...

Very nice. It was easy to imagine what the girl's problem is, even though you don't say it outright. There are some great ideas in it, and I could picture ...

While I enjoyed the story, I thought there was just too much missing. This would be wonderful if you showed us why they feel the way they do about their ...

I'm certainly not going to bash you for vagueness, because this really worked. There was enough to create a clear image of what was happening, and to make the reader ...

Not bad. I thought it rhymed well. It didn't sound like you chose words just because they rhymed, but rather because they were the best choice. I didn't think it ...

I'm impressed. It's not often that I read a story like this with such a real voice. The speech patterns, and diction are very believable, and it really sounds like ...