THE LEGEND OF
THE
DRAGON JEWELS
The legend of the dragon jewels began over a war with two vast Metropolis Bruda & Fiyou. Now these two Cites had been fighting for five years. Over the Vernoplis Cross because legend had said who so ever owns The Vernoplis Cross shall be as a god and another legend says that it would find any Artifact, weapon our magic lost like the Holy Grail. But you see none of them had it. So one day the king of Fiyou decided to send a spy into Bruda to check if they had it and Bruda sent a spy in Fiyou to check if
They had it. A few days later both spy's returned and reported that there was no Vernoplis Cross in either city. So that night both kings sent out a message clearly stating that it is time for a Peace Treaty. But King Scott of the city of Fiyou also invited King Joseph of Bruda and his wife Queen Jane. That night both kings discussed the business of the Vernoplis Cross.
"I propose a contest said King Scott."
"I agree,” said King Joseph."
"This is how it will go, you send 3 skilled people and I send 3 skilled."
People up the mountain behind my castle I have reason to believe it was hidden up there in the 40 year war announced King Scott"(The 40 year war was over undead and Humans The leader of Human was called Scryran Tamarson The Leader of The Dwarfs was called Garcullus Graniticus and the leader of the of the elves was called Calorynne Harebreath of Sulthara and the Necromancer was named Senesto the Necromancer. The battle had started the Human were losing badly. Meanwhile Dorma Kendrell of Carradyne the best commander in Carradyne
"We have the fear of god in them men do not desert we will wi…argh.
Suddenly an arrow came out of nowhere an embedded in his chest
"d. o n.ot de.sert w.e wi.ll w.in I .pro…mise yo.u’s w.ill s.ucc.ee.d argh”.
Already 20000 lives were lost and 3000 had deserted Faaradyn Trill the Wizard of the Crying Crags and the kings main counsellor told the king nobody was going to survive. This was going to be a massacre.
“We are doomed,” said Faaradyn.
“ NO I WILL NOT GIVE UP YOU DO NOT KNOW AT STAKE CARRADYNE WILL BE RAZED TO THE GROUND INNOCENTS LIFE LOST. WE MUST WIN. WHERES IS GURACULLUS AND CATOLYNNE HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN THEIR SACRED OATH SWORE ‘PON THE SACRED BONE OF GHERHYMME THE BLESSED, PLEASE NO PLEASE CARRADYNE MUST NOT FALL!
Then all of a sudden the Dwarven war horns sounded.
”Thank Gherhymme you’re here Garcullus”
“You did not think I would miss out on chance of ridding this world of Senesto, so ATTACK,” bellowed Garcullus
Then a White Unicorn flew down carrying Catolynne Harebreath
“WE MAY DIE WE MAY LIVE IT WILL BE WORTH IT FOR THE FUTURE OF THE ELVES SO FIGHT YOUR BEST AND MAY THE SPEARS OF KALELORINE BE ON OUR SIDE DRINK WELL THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES THIS DAY, ARCHER FIRE WARRIOR ATTACK MAGES DESTROY THE ENEMY’.
40 years later the king, Garcullus, Catolynne had finally surrounded Senesto
“TIME YOU PAY FOR ALL THE LIFE'S YOU DESTROYED,” shouted Scryran.
“You may defeat me but there will be others like me I have seen the future of all your kingdom your kingdom will be destroyed by dragons”
Replied Senesto.
“Well I will not be you to kill us so die Senesto. Angrily screamed Schyran stabbing Senesto in the heart.
The human and dwarfs and elves finally won but Senesto had a wife who legend says she had a son so it could happen if the son was evil like his Father.)
"Why did you not go up there?” said King Joseph inquiry
"Because it supposes to be the last resting place of dragon"
"I guess it only superstition, well okay it sounds fair,” replied King Joseph
So next day the town caller announced the competition
"This Friday their will be three competition one for Strength, one for Knowledge/Cunning, and one for Magic. All species Welcome." The next few days were bit unusual heroes and heroine from other cities came. Some civilians asked how they heard about this competition they answered by word of mouth. So Bruda and Fiyou normally hero free environment was now bustling with Wizards entertaining kids warriors showing off their muscles to the cutest girls they could find plus elves doing target practice and dwarves drinking Ale at the local inns. Meanwhile back in the Fiyou castle the king was thinking this in not a normal day in both cities and thinking was this very good idea or not. Meanwhile on another floor the Heir to the throne of Fiyou prince Ronald was wishing he could have a go at the competition for Cunning. But he was doing his studies so he thought of a plan.
Next night he climbed out of the window and crept along the roof. Then he used the ivy as a climbing frame and climbed down. The next day the Queen was in hysterics because she did not know where the prince was. Now you know when the prince escaped he was actually a bit of a rogue and he was greedy as well. So those twenty-four hours went quite quick in the end there were six champions 3 in each city. The names of the champion were Prince Ronald (he was 16 quite tall and lucky), Oak the lord of elf (was an expert at archery and he had gold hair gold eyes and smile that no girl could resist but unlucky for those girls he had his eyes on Galarainne, and also his armour was made of a material in the forest that was so hard to find only elves knew where it was) and Roland the dwarf (he had a beautifully carved axe it was also very strong and he had a ginger beard ginger hair and armour crafted out of Mithril those were the champions in Fiyou. The champions in Bruda were Cron the Necromancer (Cron was a very mysterious person he had red eyes and wore a black robe and held the blood dagger) Galarainne the Elf (she was really gorgeous and rumour had it that was she attracted Oak the elf, she has blond hair bright blue eyes a beautiful suit of armour) and Sorrow the wizard (Sorrow had been a well-known person in the wizard circles but nobody really knew him in these cities. He had a long white beard silver hair blue eyes a long gold robe and a staff made out of oak and it had a silver piece of metal going around the staff on top was crying crystal, a. A scrying crystal is known as the most powerful crystal in life it can see future event and do all sorts of spells,)
"Now wait here one minute" shouted King Scott "my son can't be a champion it is not right"
"Sorry but he won six games replied the Judge"
"I demand another contest,” shouted king Scott angrily
"No way shouted King Joseph
"Sir what if we let him go he seems keen to go,” said the judge
Okay I will let him go but give him lots of armour and The Sword of Schyran the last king of Carradyne.
The next day all the champions left for Dragon Tooth cave. Now in a few hours everyone was out apart from the prince. He was busy looking for treasure when he saw a very bright glint further in the cave. So he went to have a look and saw lots of different colour jewels. He went to pick up them when he saw a sign with burnt in writing saying, Beware don't touch the dragon jewels unless ye want the world to be ruled by dragons.
"Nonsense", shouted the prince
And so as he picked up 10 jewels there was a rumble loud enough to wake the dead. The prince a quickly dropped the jewels and ran out. Meanwhile Sorrow was smoking a pipe and waiting and sitting on a chair he conjured, then all of sudden he saw a dragon come flying out the top of the mountain. “Break over, time this beast got slain.” Just then three more dragon came out.
“Uh Oh Galarainne Sorrow we have a bi********g problem”.
“WHAT”? They both said once.
”THAT” he screamed.
“OH” they answered shaking.
Just when Roland reached the mouth of the cave he saw everyone screaming and heroes and heroines fighting dragons. He looked at his once home now in ruins and burning. He also looked at the other cities burning.
.
"What have I done?” Cried prince Ronald
Just then before anyone could defend him, he got grabbed by a dragon and eaten.
That is how the curse began.
THE CURSE OF THE
DRAGON JEWELS
"So that is the legend of the Dragon Jewels, Does
Anyone have any questions? Asked the tour guide"
"YEAH" Said the artefact hunter.
(Now the artefact hunter was a man called Daniel some say he was trying to find Atlantis while other said the Holy Grail. He was quite tall blond hair hazel eyes and a strong build)
"What"
Do you think The Vernoplis Cross is real?"
"Possibly"
"You know what I mean"
"No"
"Well it likes this. It could exist."
"Oh thanks he said sarcastically"
"ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS"
"YES LITTLE BOY WHAT YOUR NAME"
"EDWARD" "Ahem coughed the Tour Guide can we move on
"Yes" shouted everyone
" Okay next place we are going is Dragon Tooth Cave "
Everyone arrived at Dragon Tooth Cave at 5.00pm
He thought it like a Dragon mouth. But one thing struck Edward as odd why was there cinder marks on the cave. The Tour Guide came up with a lousy excuse
'Scuse me why is there soot on the walls of the cave?
"Well you see this used to be a volcano,” said the tour guide quickly.
"But it looks new"
"So it does." shouted the Scots guy"(The Scottish Guy was new to the town no one knew his name yet at all he wore a kilt a Sporran and Beret. He had ginger hair and ginger beard also quite a strong build
Suddenly Edward saw a raggedy old man when Edward turned round. But can you believe it; it was like he was invisible because nobody had noticed him. Then he spoke words that sent a shiver down Edward spine
"YE SHOULD NOT ENTER THY CAVE OF DRAGONS!"
"Say that again." Edward asked shivering from head to toe
"YE HAVE ALL BEEN WARNED. LEAVE NOW OR PERISH!"
But before Edward could even utter another word he disappeared. It was now like he had imagined it all but he seemed so real so lifelike.
By now Edward sick and tired of this argument so he shouted
"Shut up please it now 7:00pm can we pack it in now!” Edward shouted."
"Okay." said the tour guide." you can go home now".
"But what about exploring the cave?" Said Professor Colin Dunn.
THE REALIZATION
"I need to explore that cave now or I shall sue you promise we would explore it, I came here to this dead end town to explore this cave an you tell me to leave."
"OKAY, OKAY I SHALL LET YOU EXPLORE THE CAVE BUT ALL THE OTHERS LOOK TIRED SO IT WILL JUST HAVE TO BE US ON OUR OWN".
Bloody hell, Edward heard the tour guide mutter
The next day Edward called on Joan and left for the Tour Guides office.
But when Edward and Joan arrived there was not the usual big queue around the office and even when it was small Professor Colin Dunn was always there. Even when he was sick he would still be there. Professor Colin Dunn was quite tall with a Hitler Moustache. He wore a tweed coat and a tweed hat, and he had blackish hair. But back to the story when Edward and Joan came they closer noticed that there usual tour guide was missing. Instead they had a fattish man possibly in his late 40s by what I could tell.
Edward asked," what has happened to the old tour guide?"
What Edward got was a very gruff response "he has the plague, kidding he is just very ill."
"Oh tell him Edward said get well soon." Said Edward nicely
"Okay. He said He suddenly spoke quickly and quietly; He had been missing until last night he muttered very quickly
"Thanks."
Joan and Edward decided that it was time to see if they could find the old tour guide.
THE GUARDIAN
Edward and Joan walked about what seemed like ages until Edward saw the old raggedy man again
"Who are you? Edward shouted.
"WHO AM I, DOES NOT MATTER!
BUT I SHALL TELL YOU ANYWAY. I AM THE GUARDIAN OF DRAGON TOOTH CAVE.WHICH MEANS I AM ITS SWORN PROTECTER SINCE THE D.D.D.
WHICH STANDS FOR DRAGON DOOMS DAY
" Which means? Edward gasped
"IT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE BROKEN RULE OF HUMAN 456 CURIOSITY KILLS THE CAT."
"Which means what?" Edward asked
"IT MEANS THAT THANKS TO PRINCE RONALD MANY EONS AGO THAT THE DRAGONS ARE FREE FROM THEIR JEWEL PRISON. SO LEAVE NOW OR ELSE PERISH LIKE THESE RECENT VICTIMS PROFESSOR COLIN DUNN AND YOUR OLD TOUR GUIDE."
What Edward saw made him want to leave quickly. They still had flesh on their bodies but there were burnt so badly that you could see some of there bones.
"What happened to them?" Edward queried.
"THEY WERE BURNT TO DEATH BY A DRAGON. "BUT THEIR DEATHS COULD ACTUALLY BE WORTH IT."
“How? Edward said angrily."
"WELL, IF YOU LOOK IN THE GEOLIGIST'S HAND YOU WILL NOTICE A INTERESTING ROCK".
"Which means what exactly?" he interrupted.
"IT MEANS THAT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO PUT THE DRAGONS BACK IN THEIR PRISON."
"But it just a rock!" Edward Exclaimed
"NO IT IS THE LAST REMAINING DRAGON JEWEL BUT YOU HAVE TO FIND THE KING OF THE DRAGONS AND DEFEAT HIM AND HE WILL RELINQUISH HIS HOLD ON OUR PLANET." "GOOD LUCK."
"Where is Joan?” Edward asked
"OH SHE RAN OFF BORED." He said casually.
"But why did she run off? Couldn't she see that I was talking to you? I asked.
SHE COULD NOT SEE ME BECAUSE IF SHE SAW ME SHE WOULD DIE. ONLY ROYALTY CAN SEE ME.
"Oh but I am not related to any royalty am I?" Edward asked in surprise.
WELL IT IS TIME FOR ME TO GO. YOU NEED TO FIND THAT GIRL. SHE IS IN GREAT PERIL."
"LEAVE NOW OR SHE WILL PERISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Okay which way did she go?" said Edward bravely
"SHE WENT FURTHER INTO THE CAVE" Was the distant reply from the vanishing guardian.
Edward left puzzled, "If I was royalty I wouldn’t I be richer, would I not? " he thought.
As Edward went deeper into the cave he saw lots of smoke and soot plus animal bones.
Then Edward saw it a glimpse of a dragon. It was black with a club tail and huge black wings.
But it seemed to be trying to chase something. Edward could not believe it, was a mouse!
When Edward saw that, he thought it must have been very hungry and if it saw me it would probably try and eat me. Edward ran and ran completely forgetting about Joan.
Edward walked home tired just about ready to cry because he knew the Dragons would eat her.
"It just not fair I never believed in these things until now" he screamed angrily. Fighting back his tears.
CHOICES
The next day went back to the cave to look for even though Edward knew it was hopeless. Before he left he decided to ask his Mum about him being royalty he thought.
"Mum am I royalty" Edward asked
"Well I would say yes because you get away with murder,” she said jokingly.
"No I mean seriously” Edward said exasperated.
"No not that I can think of why"
"Just curious" he said innocently.
"Oh bye"
"Bye"
When I arrived at the cave I notice that man was there.
" HELLO” HE SAID
"Hi" he replied
"HAVE YOU LEARNED OF YOUR DESTINY YET"
"No" Edward replied puzzled.
"WANT ME TO TELL YOU"
Edward nodded his head.
“OKAY IT ALL HAPPENED EONS AGO, THE WAR OF DRAGON ALMOST KILLED EVERYONE EXCEPT 40 PEOPLE, ONE WAS YOUR MOTHER SUCCUBUS…”
“But my mother name Sue not the other thing” Edward said puzzled.
“NO YOUR MUM IS SENESTO WIFE.
“But how she still alive” Edward said puzzled
“SENESTO GAVE HER THE GIFT OF IMMORTALITY”
“Does that mean I’m evil?” Edward said sadly
“NO THAT’S YOUR CHOICE, OH HERE TAKE THIS IS THE LAST SWORD OF CARRADYNN GOOD LUCK”
Just then he heard heavy breathing he turned round and saw 50-foot dragons and Joan’s dead body
“WHO DARES STEP INTO MY LAIR”
Suddenly it all came rushing back his real name his farther his mother his life everything in an instant.
“I EDWARD DEATHFIS REALLY NAME DEATHFIS SENESTO SON OF SUCUMBUS THE DARK WITCH AND SENESTO THE NECROMANCER”
“THEN I GUESS YOU WANT ME TO JOIN YOU,”GROWLED THE DRAGON
Edward thought should he be good and kills him or should I let the dragon king join me, no
I will slay him he killed Joan. Thought Edward
“No I come to slay you”
“THEN YOU ARE A IDIOT”.
When he started he fighting him Edward had to dodge a lot the Dragon was winning he had burnt his whole body except his sword hand. He was just about to eat him but then I got one last feat of strength I stabbed him in his mouth then in his belly. Then all of a sudden his sword broke.
Then Edward suddenly thought of that spell his
Mum told him to protect him.
“Hanna crust death inn a thousand ways kills ye enemy trying to kill me”
Suddenly the dragon started falling right at Edward he could not get away in time so the dragon fell him braking all of Edwards bones.
“Joan I am coming to you now” said Edward quietly.
Suddenly the guardian came
“SO you FINALLY realizes your destiny I had to make you think Joan would be dead BY NOW so I created a image of her so you could remember YOUR HISTORY AND so you could defeat THE DRAGON you chose good but you did a necromancer spell so you had to die I’m sorry Edward really AND I HELPED YOU REMEMBER A BIT BUT IN THE END IT WAS YOU WHO FIGURE IT ALL OUT GOOD BYE EDWARD DEATHFIS” said the vanishing guardian
Just then Joan came running in and saw Edward lying dead she screamed and ran to Edward mum crying her eyes out saying Edward dead and told everyone to go in the cave to look there. There they found the dragon skeleton and Edward body they took the dragon body to the museum.
Edward funeral was a sad occasion nearly everybody in the town was there. Then the priest said some words
“Edward was a young boy, he always seemed cheerful never a frown. Lets hope he in a better place now.
Ashes to ashes dust to dust, he will be greatly missed”
After Edward’s funeral Sue starting reciting a spell from a book at home. The picture showed a dead mythical animal coming back
Part 2 SENESTO REVENGE
"Bring back Dragon in not flesh but bones and make him destroy thy Enemies of Senesto recited Sue."
Meanwhile the Dragon Skeleton in New Carradyne had brought well-known figures from all around the world from Russia to America.
"This is amazing shouted Professor Catamite."
"This is revolutionary said Prime Minister Vladimir of Russia."
Then all of sudden a David Grenich who was 11 fair haired and quite tall and who was only there because his Mum was the Vice President of America noticed something happening to the Dragon Skeleton it seemed to be moving it wing ever so slightly. He thought he imagined it but then smoke came out the Skeleton Skull. It was over in seconds the dragon skull opened it mouth and out came giant Napalm of fire burning everything in it path. After the Dragon had left the boy went out of his hiding place a display case.
"Hello anyone still alive except me he whimpered".
Meanwhile Sue was now bringing her husband back now.
"Return thy evil Prince of darkness back from thy dead so he wreak havoc on those worthless souls she recited."
In the ruins of old Carradyne a hand came out a dirt then a body an a head it said one sentence
"It pay back time.............
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Read the story from start to finish. LOVED IT! You really know how to make a dragon properly. I like you.
Per your request...
Well, I refuse to continue beating this particular dead horse, rather, I'll offer you help instead.
If you'd like, I'll go through this and edit it all the way through. All grammar, punctuation, capitalization, spelling, etc. will get corrected, and then if you would like I'll sit and chat with you on one of the messengers and explain the corrections to you.
PM me.
--Q
Let's be truthful here:
Fontroy, it seems as if you spend no time checking over your work. I check over my work anywhere from five to twelve times before I am satisfied with it, and go over it in small portions. Truthfully, I could not read any of the story past the first few sentences. There were so many mistakes I just couldn't read on. I expect you will need to put forth much more effort if you wish for your writing skills to push above the surface of average. Sorry if my critique is a bit rude, but it's true.
Far too much writing and not enough information.
Plain and simple
Enough said.
David Grenich rushes out the burnt out shell of the museum. An rushes to tell someone, he can smell the stenchl of death an can hardly see anything through the thick smoke. Which causes him to trip seeing his Mum body he looks like he about to lose his temper but he doesn't he start to cry an cry.
An that's the way the police found David Grenich crying by his dead mothers body. They take him to the station to ask what happened but all he says is
"it look so great.... an so real... but bones move.... fire comes out... I hide... everyone burns...." That all he says nothing more nothing less.
"I don't understand this says the Constable... it makes no sense what so ever, what happened here it can't be an arsonist because theirs no evidence of anything being burnt an now the museum gutted, an this boy what his link to this?"
The Constable put his notes down a looks at his family picture on his table an remembered what caused him to join the police, he was quite tall medium build an he wore wire frame glasses, an also he had a roundish face, a mustache, an blue eyes, but what was most annoying was his nose it was a button nose.
He can still remember it vividly He an his family were in Africa an were wanting a tour guide they chose one an went off he was charging a lot, but they still did not care so they wander for a few days when they came to a river an well the tour guide pushed his family in an it was infested by piranhas so it was over in minutes the tour guide ran off an I told my self I won't let this happen to anyone else i will stop thugs like this.
Vernon, your friend has ever worse puncuation and grammar settings than you!
Let's shoot him
very good story but not set out right im not to sure bout some of the story but overall it was good keep up the good work and kepp writing more in the series ps i know u pps u know me
I think Eloere caught all the major errors. You dont need all the captial sentances, start all sentances on a new line and take out the capitals. Check over punctuation and grammer and the speech marks and stuff like that. Also, the titles "The Realization" and "The Guardian" and the other ones, if they are the start of a new chapter, just add Chapter 2 - The realization because it might make the story easier to follow.
Right, i like the idea behind this story, it could easily go somewhere if the efforts there, i like the idea a lot. Now, the start, all the information you give us about the 40 year war. I suggest you write that in a prolgoue of sorts. write it from the presnet, as if you were there, before moving onto the rest of the story. In this big you get bogged down with complicated names, like Schyran Tamarson and Garcullus Graniticus and Calorynne Harebreath, they are hard to take it, just call them Human, Dwarf and Elf leaders. Dont add extra detail into this part, leave it simple, then go on to explain the contest and the Dragons being woken up.
Then you need to go into detail about the tour, dont get bogged down again in the names of people that we are only going to meet for this first and last time. Now, you have introduced Edward and made him a good character, the heir of the evil necromancer, you write as if he's the main character then you go and kill him. Who is your main character in this piece? If you bring Edward back to life it's fine, because i can see it developing into a Goddie V Baddie, Father V Son type thing.
keep working on this, i like the idea behind it all.
It was like a dragon's mouth, it really was.
But one thing struck Edward as odd, why were there cinder marks on the cave (walls?)? You forgot to put a question mark there.
You need to end sentences with fullstops. Also, I don't think "Tour Guide" needs capitals.
This needs speach marks around it.
Change this sentence around to Edward turned and saw a raggedy old man.
I don't know if you need the "But can you believe it bit in front". And "Edward" should be "Edward's" because his spine belongs to him. Also, sentences must be ended in fullstops.
Doesn't "thy" mean "your"?
You need to end this in a fullstop (after "toe")
Who is "he"? It's not very clear in this sentence
Maybe something like He must have imagined it, but it seemed so real, so lifelike.
I don't really get this, "BY NOW" should be "By now" and you need a comma after "argument" and anouther after "shouted".
From then on I get confused, because the dialogue begins with saying Edward shouted it, but ended saying the Scots Man "negotiated", I think you mean, it. Who said it?
Plus, the dialogue itself should go like: "Shut up please! It is now seven o'clock (or however you want to say it, but I advise spellling it out, and not puting "pm" because not many people say it). Can we pack it in now?"
Captial letter for "you"
Who is Professor Colin Dunn? Why haven't you introduced him yet?
"I want to explore that cave now, or I shall sue! You promised we would explore it!"
Who said this, and why is it all in capitals?
Also, it should be something like "Okay, okay. I shall let you explore the cave, but all the others look tired, so it will just have to be us on our own."
"Bloody hell," needs speach marks around it.
Who's Joan? And why are they going to the tour guides office anyway? Also, "Tour Guides" should be "tour guide's" (the office belonged to him, you see, it needs an apostrophe)
[i]But when Edward and Joan arrived, there was not the usual big queue around the office. Even when no one came, Professor Colin Dunn was always there.
At least that's how I'd write it.
We need to know this when you first introduce him
Don't bother with the "But back to the story" you should not be away from the story at all, you are telling the story, what is on the page is in the story. Therefore you were never away from the story, therefore you do not need to come back. Of course, this can be overlooked if it's part of the style you're telling the story in.
Nicely is an evil word. It doesn't add ANYTHING to the story, if I said "He's wearing a nice shirt!" it tells you nothing about the shirt. NOTHING. What could you tell me about the shirt? It was 'nice' *shudders* My English teachers have passed on a hate for that word.
This should be: "Okay," he said. He suddenly spoke quickly and quietly, "he has been missing since last night," he muttered, very quickly.
"Thanks."
There's that "we" again. Please stick to a single "person".
"DRAGON TOOTH CAVE" does not require capital letters.
You know what? I'd like you to have a go at correcting things in the rest. I what to see if you've learnt anything from my critique. I'll help if you need it, just ask, but I want you to have a go at this. Think of it as a lesson.[/quote]
That was not nice. The "for the love af all that is holy" bit is not necessary, and is just going to make him feel bad.
********
Now ....
I had half your story edited, but it took so long I got logged out so I have to do it again. Bugger, I hate it when that happens.
Firstly, I would like to say that I can't even understand you when you're just talking to us. I really can't.
I would like to say that I was going to go through the whole thing and point out every little error I could find, like I did before my post was deleted, but I can't be bothered doing that again. It took two hours just to get up the the first time the Prince is mentioned. Plus, it would be too cruel. So, I'll give you a chance to save face.
I want you to read through this whole thing, pausing only on commas, and breathing only on fullstops. Don't imagine punctuation that's not there either. Now, was that hard to read? Did you past out from lack of air? Because I nearly did. OK, I'd like you to rewrite the whole thing, at some stage. Put commas where you want a pause and where you are listing things, and put fullstops at the end of each single idea, and where you need them. That in itself would probably make this story much, much better.
I'll still go through a few things though.
I don't understand this
What's the 1 for?
But I like the way you jumped right into the conversation instead of telling us all the details about the weather. Nice.
Also, punctuation is needed before closing speach marks.
You need to spell out three. I'm not sure about forty, I can't remember how far you go up spelling before changing to numerals.
Loose this. Seriously, it's not needed.
I think you need to find another way to introduce the exact wording of the message.
Except for the grammer, I like this bit. Well described. Now, you need to make "heroine" and "environment" plural, and change "was" to "were". "Wizard" doesn't need a capital, neither does "Ale". And you need to put commas in there where you list the types of people who came, therefore between "kids" and "warriors", "find" and "elves". Also, a comma after "Fiyou" and agaon after "environment(s)". And change "doing taget practice" to "practicing archery".
Now THAT is why I'm not editing to perfection everything.
Spell out three again. Also, what exactly is "Brain"? Do you mean knowledge? Or wisedom?
Appart from doing the punctuation read-through, change "brain skill" to either knowledge or wisedom, and "wishing he could have a go at" to "wishing he could participate in".
THE next night ...
Fifty bucks says I could.
Also, don't put these descriptions in brackets.
Yet again, why's the 1 there? Also, why is this in bold?
Really? He was shouting, of course he's angry, you shouldn't have to say it.
Kings don't shout "No way!" at each other. They may MEAN the same thing, but they wrap it up in diplomacy. Als, you forgot to finish those speach marks.
What about the last king of Carradyne?
Also, this should be in speach marks
You need a conjunction or SOMETHING between "jewels" and "there was a"
What's with the 2?
Also, new line for a new speaker.
Also also, these people don't talk like people from the middle ages ... why?
I don't get what happened here, you need to make it more obbvious. Plus ... look through that dialogue, it needs things like question marks, speach marks and you missed words too.
Stick to one "person" You had third person before, stick to it.
I'll do the rest tomorrow ... got to go.
*Shrugs*
I guess that was kind of good, very, very, VERY confusing. I basically didn't understand any of it. You need more punctuation. Punctuation is your friend. It IS your master. It IS your well-being. It IS...not what you are using here.
But it was a good real, the whole idea's kind of corny but its...fine.
sorry sorry sorry it was only at the last minute i realized i had decided to kill Edward son it was in 1st then 3rd person and soz i am not allowed to edit it again and it Philosophers Stone
All righty, time for the extraordinary critique.
First off, all caps are bad. Use different sizes, bold it, underline it, but never all cap it.
You gave us a history lesson. Just because you mention the 40 years war doesn't mean that you need to give us the entire final battle. Delete it, or insert a small reference like (which is a major war between dwarves, elves, and a necromancer)
Prince is always capitalized because it is a title. Also, I like to format the sign when I put it in, just so it isn't an eyesore.
Never EVER give us all this petty details. All it tells me is that you weren't inventive enough to place it in the story itself.
Also, you mentioned that the Prince was greedy several times, kill it.
Just because he is shouting doesn't mean that you carry the cap locks outside of the dialogue.
Dear me. You have a piece of dialogue without quotation marks, you repeatedly don't capitalize Prince, and you use caps too much for my taste. Use explanation marks.
I am certain you spent an enormous amount of time on that story, but is this really necessary? Your real story begins in the next paragraph. I recommend you look through the prologue, find the important stuff, and find a way to integrate it in the story.
You could write a book out of the prologue, so write a book about it and make this the sequel instead of wasting the readers time by making them read a prologue the size of the actual story.
You need help with your dialogue, desperately. Never use Cap locks except when you really want to yell. Take this passage from the Sorcerers Stone:
Not a direct quote, but you get the idea.
Also, speak normally. If a person asked for a question, would you give your name and the name of your girlfriend? I think not. This makes your dialogue unrealistic.
Who is "we"?
You know something? You are using characters and you haven't even properly introduced them. How do we know the name of Professor Dunn? We don't even know who Edward is, why he is on the tour, or anything of importance.
I'm going to cut it off here. This should be enough of an indicator of what is wrong with the story.
Thanx
Wow this was a great read...Keep it up.
Okay, I read what you added, and same comments from before apply.
eh that does not make sense it had gone through the spell check when i had gone put it on
Pay attention to grammar, as well. Please.
Punctuation is your friend.
() . , ? " " etc. etc. etc.
Spell check too. Use that. Please, for the love of all that is holy.
I agree with bullet proof and Rei.I like it though.
Part 2 has been started
Is was thinking of doing another story in that series where it explain how Carrdyne was formed but thanks for the good comments i been doing that story for 3 years now because i kept taking breaks from it
What I see here is a big story in a far-too-small package. You've got the language of a folktale down, and it sounds good, but the story here seems to be a lot bigger than a folktale. The thing you need to do is either expand quite a lot, and not start with a history lesson, or simplify it. Focus on a character from the beginning, rather than with two cities we've never heard of.
you missed alot of periods but i enjoyed the stoy.