PenguinAttack

“He needed something to control these new life forces, but he knew he could not directly interfere. “ - Why not? I’m just curious, it would be nice to know. ...

Hey Scasha! I am appalling and took *way* too long to get back to you on this! Hopefully you'll see this as you revise those chapters. Chapter Five “Following him ...

Hey Zeus! Your body is the road of potholes and pinpricks, twisted nudity fondling flesh, < I’d like a full stop after this, I know it moves on to the ...

Hi Tale! All righty, I like this; I think it is sweet but nostalgic and it definitely reaches the audience though emotions. I have a small issue with your line ...

I am beyond sucking for not getting to this earlier! I am soooo sorry! Uni and then distractions and then! *stops excuses* I’ma do it now. ^^ You are three ...

Oooh, I like this. You've a good stream of consciousness feel to this, and it works well with the theme - or central idea - that I can see. I'm ...

Oh, I like! Not nearly as quick as the others, and your dialogue felt right, it felt like it belonged. "Johnny jumped, right off the swing and somehow managing a ...

- Your first paragraph, while good on the information about the comings and goings of the squat, repeats “Johnny” too many times. Have a look at this, you should notice ...

Hey there. ^^ I think you want to re-arrange your punctuation a bit here, you've a lot of full stops which means a lot of statements which means a lack ...

Hullo poppet. Okay, to be brutally honest? This sounds like a pity me poem. One of those poems that just kind of whinge a bit about how life is and ...

I really like this, Lilly. I'm afraid I can't quite put my finger on why. The periods annoy me, but I feel that they suit the poem very well, the ...

I think your first four paragraphs would do better as one or two paragraphs, as it is they’re only two lines long each, you need to make them a little ...

Ohio is right about this. It is the mood you have captured so well, and it is the mood that id so difficult to critique, for every piece should just ...

Hullo kiddo. “My body is a rag doll,” - I think you can drop the comma here. “dripping down my face,” - I think you can lose this line. It ...

Based on paragraphs! ^^ 1. Personally, I like this. You have a good feel of an almost stream of consciousness here. I think, considering the beginning references to the writing, ...