Okay, so I majorly, majorly revised this piece as of December 22.
It's kind of long so I've attached it in a word document below. I would really appreciate your feedback.
I just want an overall review of the story, no line edits or anything, I can try to catch those myself.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,903 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Ashleylee: Thank yo so much! That review definitley went above and beyond what I requested! You are amazing! *hugs*.
**Well, I seem to be kind of late in the whole revision thing but hopefully my review still counts for something
I'm sorry, Scasha, that it took me so long. If you want me to look at the revised one as well, just let me know**
Wow, this was simply stunning, Scasha! I loved every minute of it. It was like one of those old legends from long ago retold in your own voice.
My only advice would be to really try to distinguish between your characters. Sometimes, they ran together and it was hard to tell them apart. Also, make them more original. Right now, Sapia is evil, Carchar is good, and your MC is like the one God, you know? Make them stand out more than that.
Otherwise, if you ever need anything else critiqued, let me know =)
“He needed something to control these new life forces, but he knew he could not directly interfere. “
- Why not? I’m just curious, it would be nice to know.
“not be immune to your superpowers,” she nodded, taking the sand from her feet. “
- Ew, superpowers. Don’t use this term, it’s very modern and a bit… I’m not sure. I can’t take it seriously at all.
“The shark turned back to Sapia, who stood on shore, staring at him with her dazzling eyes. The shark’s heart pulled him towards Sapia, but Pontus’s voice reminded Carchar of the sea and his obligations, echoing louder than Sapia’s voice in his mind. I must go, Carchar said sadly, but I’ll be back as soon as I can, Sapia, I promise. She nodded. We’ll always be connected by our minds, her voice rang out sweetly. “
- You repeat “Sapia” a lot here, take some out, it’s distracting.
“wanting to keep your powers, caring nothing for our love, she spat, turning on her heel and walking away from me, back onto land.”
- “him” – not “me”
“How could I let this happen, she looked at the sharks in horror. I didn’t know how much, how many, or the amount we killed”
- Take out “or the amount” – it’s repetitive with “how many”
“She choked as the water rose above her head, but strong sharp objects lifted her out of the water. “
- The repetition of “water” here is annoying to read. I’d suggest ending this as “…lifting her up”
“She became a shark and just as Pontus had told her, everyday she brought fish to Gaia and fed the Earth. “
- I would suggest re-arranging this so that it’s “Just as Pontus had told her; she became a shark and everyday…”
“With her help, Gaia recovered and Pontus returned for Sapia. He took her back into his palace and Sapia was reunited with her love. They lived under the sea together for the rest of eternity, watching as life flourished around them, continuing its never-ending cycle. “
- This is a cop out of an ending, really. It’s a “and they lived happily ever after” type thing that’s not deserving of your tale. I suggest taking out this whole paragraph.
It appears as though by half way through she believes her own lies about the shark’s magic which is curious, and I’d love to have you mention that slightly. The figure you chose for her interests me, why is she blonde and blue eyed? Was there a reason for it? You can get a little poetic here when you describe her, let some metaphors or similes in.
Other than those above, I like this. It was cute and interesting, nice work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
The first thing I notice is that you say there is an empty void, and then you refer to the void as a person ("from his empty being"). So is it empty space or a physical being? Or is this in the "God is Everything" sense, where it's supposed to be both? It would be a good idea to pick one or else some how clarify.
Just strike the line.
so I hope that you don't mind. I did think that the writing and plot was much better this time around, though. Although there were some parts that didn't quite make sense, this is so drastically different that it's basically a first draft again, so it's easy to forgive the logic slips and occasional awkwardly phrased sentences.
"...connected to the core of the planet herself". Awkward line. Is the planet the "she"? Is "Gaia" the "she"? As in "she is connected to the core of herself"?
"...she used her powers to create her offspring". While "offspring" can technically refer to one child, this leads me to believe that there were multiple children. Then the next line starts "He" and breaks the flow.
After this you refer to the fact that he created the waters, but we were never told that he did in the first place, and because the line comes directly after his own creation, it confuses the sense of time.
Why could he not directly interfere? Because he had no time? But he's a god! Perhaps you should give an example, showing exactly why he decided that it was not his place/duty/job.
"He sculpted a large fish with his very hands, breathing life into it with the currents of the sea." Pretty, pretty line, but I think that it would sound even better without "with his very hands".
"A small orange fish with white stripes dove hurriedly into a sea urchin, its fins quaking in fear." I would strike "hurriedly" and clarify that it it is the fish's fins who are quaking, not the urchin's. Also, I think you mean anemone because urchins are spiky and that would hurt like no tomorrow.
"Pontus was right, he thought, everyone does fear me." should be "Carchar thought", unless the clown fish is thinking it.
"The idea of being alone scared Carchar more than he imagined." Well, he must be imagining it since he is living it. And it can't be "more than he would have imagined" because he hasn't been around long enough to have considered it. Revise.
"They moved as one body, altogether." should be "all together".
You need to use his name every so often instead of just saying "he".
"When he saw some fish overtaking others, he would come to the lesser’s aid. He never took more than he needed, carefully maintaining the balance of nature." These sentences are unrelated. The first talks about defending small animals, the second talks about (I presume) food. By putting them together and not fully explaining the second, it sounds like the shark king is eating the small fish he saves.
"She turned her piercing gold eyes on Carchar as he came closer to the water." ...Is he not...in the water?
"I do promise that as the currents flow more readily through the sea, you will begin to find more of your kind" What does this even mean? Are the currents currently unwilling to flow through the sea?
Why does he speak at first, and then ever after only think? He thinks "I will be eternally grateful to you", but is that not something you would usually say aloud? Or instead think "I will be eternally grateful to her"?
"She didn’t want Carchar near her; that much was obvious." If it's obvious, then why are you telling us?
"Carchar smiled. “Yes, my brother,” he patted the creature on the back." With what, his fin? I don't think it works that way.
"there must be something so special about the oceans that he doesn’t want to leave them, she mused in her mind." First, this should be a new line (starting at "there"). Second, we know she's musing in her mind as it is in italics. Strike the description.
"Sapia looked at her with a serious glare, her blue eyes burning" Better as" "Sapia glared at her, blue eyes burning".
“Everyone, we are in dire danger,” she proclaimed from the wooden podium that had been erected at the center of the jungle. “The great shark race has come with the sole purpose of defeating us, taking from us all that is rightfully ours. We must vanquish them.”
This seems pretty rash. I think she'd have to have more of a grudge than one argument that didn't really even lead to this conclusion.
"no shark, except Carchar." Extra spaces.
"angelical fish" I think you mean "angel fish" but are trying not to sound so modern. Unfortunately, this doesn't really work either. It just sounds weird, as if the god is glorifying his creations and at the same time making them... cutesy. I picture cherubs.
"Carchar demanded from his coral throne." How do sharks sit?
"We sent out four to make sure that they won’t be killed." Four what? Four sharks? Four fish?
"They are to be reserved for Mother Earth." Carchar would already know this. Give him the line instead, if you think it necessary, but putting it to a lower-ranking family member makes it sound like the king is being talked down to.
"And so far, Mother Earth was flourishing." Should be either "And -comma- so far -comma- Mother Earth..." or "And so far Mother Earth..."
"We found trails of their blood across the ocean floor." I don't think blood would leave trails on the floor...in water. Maybe traces in the water itself, but it's not going to sink to the ground and coagulate or anything.
"his stomach flipping with unease." Flipping and unease don't really go together. tightening with unease would work though.
"large gathering of humans" either large or gathering. Pick one.
“you must wear the fin around your neck, close to your heart. Their magical powers will transfer into
your being and you will no longer fear them.”
Shark fins are huge! That would be extremely unwieldy and uncomfortable... Maybe just a piece of fin?
"She smiled, looking at Tharia. Her own fin was close to her heart." Too many pronouns! Is Sapia's fin close to Sapia's heart, or close to Tharia's heart? Or is it Tharia's fin which is close to Tharia's heart? ...Or Sapia's heart?
"More and more of Carchar’s kind disappeared every day." Either "More of Carchar's kind disappeared every day" or "More and more of Carchar's kind disappeared" or "Every day, more and more of Carchar's kind disappeared".
"They were taken and killed by Sapia’s people, their leaving the ocean empty of the great, menacing bodies." Strike "their". Also, bodies makes me think of dead bodies floating around, so ridding the ocean of that is not such a bad thing.
"His best surgeons could do nothing to help the injured sharks who returned to the water finless." I don't think sharks can do surgery at all. (No fingers!)
"He stood by as another was declared dead, angry tears welling up in his eyes." Sharks can't cry. They're in the water.
"The victim shark gasped for his last breath, and then slowly closed his eyes, as the last of the being’s blood pulsed into the water." Unless the being is not the shark, then you should change it to "as the last of his blood..."
"He slapped his fin angrily against the water." He's in the water! Have you ever tried hitting something while in the water? Your arms move really slowly...
"She had closed their connection ever since the day on the beach." Better to say she closed the connection early on, and then just refer to it now by saying "...but he knew she wouldn't listen" or something.
"They had nearly captured every shark in the sea except for Carchar and boiled their fins in a soup. Why isn’t it working? She thought." Well she knew it wouldn't work, didn't she? I mean, she just made all of this up to get back at Carchar...
"On the floor sat hundreds and hundreds of shark carcasses, piled in stacks that reached the ceiling." You know, they never actually keep the carcasses. They just throw them back in the ocean...
"...how much, how many, or the amount..." these all mean the same thing. Just pick one.
"She wasn’t any stronger, faster, she couldn’t swim any better." Change to: "She wasn't any stronger or faster, and she..." or "She wasn't any stronger or faster. She couldn't...." or "She wasn't any stronger of faster--she couldn't..."
"...their pain intermingling with her own." I'd change "intermingling" to "mixing".
"She stood up and ran from civilization" Change "She" to "Sapia".
"sprinted across the land. Her muscles ached, her throat burning from the heavy air, but she plodded on until she reached the water." Sprint or plod? Two totally different things.
"She saw no movement, heard no reply, hopelessness filling her mind." Should be: "She saw no movement, heard no reply. Hopelessness filled her mind."
"The water lapped at her, pulling her towards the center of the sea." Probably "pulling her further out to sea".
"A pang resonated throughout her body as she tried to look away from him." Was her neck broken and she couldn't look away? No. So just say she looked away.
"I made a huge mistake." Sounds very modern.
"Carchar snapped back." Just "snapped" will do.
"I’m going to fix this, I promise, she replied, her heart nearly ripping from her chest. Carchar ignored her. I am done with your empty promises." His response should be on a new line.
"Sapia’s sapphire eyes widened in fear." Strike "sapphire": it just sounds like you're trying to remind the audience that she's super pretty.
"She demonstrated that humans could play Carchar’s role as long as they gave themselves entirely to the sea." But she was no longer human, now was she? Pontus made her into a shark.
"He took her back into his palace and Sapia was reunited with her love." Wait, so does Pontus live with all the ghost fish? Not really an issue, just a question.
---------------
Overall, far improved from the last one, but questions still remain. I don't understand how all of the Great Whites can be gone from your story, as it's set way before our time and yet we still have sharks. I'd say this was a different planet, but you did mention that it was Earth...
One nitpick that I didn't mention above is your use of speech modifiers. There's no need to use "stutter" and "snap" and "spit" when you can let the dialog and action speak for itself. Once and a while is fine, but it's easy to overload on modifiers.
But I'm afraid now that I've been overly critical. You did say you weren't looking for a line-by-line, but that's just how I edit (sorry!)
Let me know if you have any questions, or if you ever want another review--I'd be happy to oblige!
Avens
Sorry I'm bumping this. I really need reviews because I majorly, MAJORLY edited it! It's almost a whole different story. Please R and R! I would love you forever.
I only skimmed the other comments, so I'm sorry if I repeat nit-picks.
I don't like the word "eventually" in there. It seems kind of awkward, too casual. Like, "yeah, he does this eventually too, but anyway..."
"palace made of coral" can be described in a much better - more mythological - way. It's a cool image, so choose other words and make it something lovely to read about.
I love the characters' names. I imagine you did your myths research to come up with really good ones. Awesome!
I think you're using the word "soon" a little too much. It's also an odd choice for a word, considering this story is spanning over millions of years.
This sounds too casual, again. There are better ways to portray their longlasted dominance.
It switches to first person rather abruptly. I think there should be more of a lead-in for this sudden, new, first person character. It did pique my interest when he came up though - ooh, who is THIS guy?
It ends kind of abruptly. I can't find myself routing for the sharks, but oh well. This was an interesting read.
Comments in red.
I liked it up until the switch to first person. It read as a fairly decent myth, and was interesting and compelling in that detached sense found in fables and history.
After the flip, though, the magic all went out and it just felt trite. Either save the start as a myth on its own, or rework it all to put more life and feeling into the beginning. Let it be known that the shark is telling the story, and show how he feels about all of the events.
Best of luck,
Avens
Thanks so much Stella! I'll definitley work on it!!!
Hey scasha! Stella here!
Right so...
NITPICKS
It sounds cool, but how can a mouth be made out of sea foam? Wouldn't it collapse it on itself?
If he's the first of his kind, he has no ancestors. I think you mean descendants. Also, eternity isn't an exact moment, I would change "until" to "for" or "through".
When trying to be all profound and "I command you", he isn't exactly going to use the word ultra-keen
I would mess around with this sentence a bit. He accepted his duties, then went about them with great care? Only it doesn't quite fit as it is.
Okay, now this confused me. Ourea... the Ourea? It's more than one dude, right? Ourea seems like a name, rather than a collective noun... remember that most people aren't that aware of, I think this is Greek/Roman mythology (I myself, did go through a phase of being obsessed by it aged nine, so I'm okay). But would a "the" in front of the Ourea be very difficult or wreck the whole feeling of your piece? To tell the truth, I don't think so.
descendants
This is a real science lecture thing to say. A boring science lecture. Brighten it up!
You make it sound as if this is something easy to overcome. What you do is make the meteor shower seem less impressive, and cut the dinosaurs some slack! Otherwise, readers kind of go "huh?" because we wouldn't survive a meteor shower that blocked out the sun for millions of years either, when you think about it.
Fish, plants and land animals. Oh, and point there, sharks are fish...
floods and meteorites. No comma.
The other creatures were made. Who made humans? Did they rise out of the dust or what? Also, on the note of homo sapiens... I feel like I'm back in the boring science lecture that I mentioned above. Could you possibly call them humans?
Now Ourea is only one person. Je suis confusée...
I would avoid the word "pointy". It's very childish. Try sharp.
[quoteWhen the more recent Carchar king[/quote]
Most recent, perhaps?
The king was scouting? A bit unlikely. Perhaps you could come up with a better excuse? Also, the Atlantic just seems so specific. I mean, I love the Atlantic and all, but perhaps "ocean" would suffice?
[quoteOur heightened senses [/quote]
This bugs me. Having never been any other kind of being, they wouldn't know their senses were heightened would they?
One word. Trust me. I listen to the Scouting for Girls song practically non-stop
You've already used this phrase. Try to avoid repeating yourself. Think of a new way of saying this.
Try not to repeat.
Er... flound...er...ed... haha! See what I did there? No... no, okay... It's floundered
Places where
Sharks don't have arms and legs. Hence the fins you just said. However, arms, legs and probably fins are all limbs, so I would change arms and legs to limbs.
OPENING
While this is a suitable opening for a myth, you are speaking from the first person. At first, I thought that this was going to continue in this manner for the whole piece. It would help if you gave it an introduction that helps draw us to your narrator. So for instance, say that he is telling an old story, make it known that this is a story within a story. Make sense? With your current first line, it seems deeply impersonal.
CLARITY
With regard to the Ourea, and what exactly happened to Pontus. You need to explain things a little more to make it easier for us.
VOICE
Your tone is interesting, but I was surprised halfway through by your switching to first person. Also, at points, you went into Science mode, and I wasn't sure whether I should be applying what I learnt in Biology or what I learnt in Latin to your story. I wasn't sure if you were giving us an old style tale or a reason to save the environment, or maybe both. But you definitely need to choose one voice and stick with it, and the switch to first person halfway through was a little confusing.
DETAIL
This was very difficult to imagine, and I have a large imagination. You need to pause in telling us the story to show us their surroundings, to show us your characters, to draw us into this world. Otherwise, it's very impersonal and a bit boring.
ENDING
It just sort of... stopped. What happens? Do they all die?
OVERALL
You have a brilliant idea going here, but your delivery needs work. Although it was well written and I only found one spelling mistake so your grammar etc. does not leave much to be desired, I felt as if you were trying to make me fall asleep. Now, as good a favour as that is, since I'm always tired, it doesn't really compliment your story. There are a lot of good elements in here, but you need to draw them all in together and make it more interesting for us. There was no hook (excuse the pun) that kept me going, that made me think "I wonder how this is going to end". You obviously have talent, so use it to draw us in.
So yes.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
A bientot!
-Stella x