Hey Scasha! I am appalling and took *way* too long to get back to you on this! Hopefully you'll see this as you revise those chapters.
Chapter Five
“Following him was like staring at a map without knowing what you were getting yourself into.”
- I’m not sure about this analogy. I don’t know the importance of “without knowing what you’re getting yourself into” no one ever really knows what’s coming or what they’re getting into, so I would have thought that this was a part-way given?
“Eryk ran fast for an old guy. He really knew how to keep up the tempo. Eryk paused, turning to face
me, his eyes glinting with amusement.”
- I’d suggest a semi-colon after “guy” instead of the full stop. You start both these sentences with “Eryk” though, and that’s distracting, noticeable. I suggest you change one to “he.”
“he bit his lip to keep from laughin.
- “Laughing”
“My auburn hair had managed to frizz its way out of my clip. I pathetically clutched my side.”
- I suggest you make this into one sentence. Take out the period and have “and” instead, I’d also suggest a small re-arrangement so that it’s “and I clutched my side pathetically” – It feels a little better.
“We’re at the place,”
- That sounds awfully awkward. Why wouldn’t he just state an ominous “this is it” or “we’re here”? That’s just personal opinion.
“ Eryk hesitate.”
- “Hesitated”
“He finally said,”
- This feels terribly ick to read. It’s awkward. I’d suggest something like “he finally stopped fidgeting.”
“Don’t you think they’d notice, I don’t know, a massive gaping hole in their fortress.”
- This is a question, include the question mark.
Just burn a hole or whatever your magic does and I’ll take care of the specters.
- You’re missing the end of the speech marks.
“Eryk nodded. He turned, his black boots crunching the pinecones on the forest floor.”
- Make this one sentence, “…nodded as he turned, his…”
“With one wide armsweep he pushed the branches aside. “
- “arm-sweep”
“hidden evil lair.”
- I think you can do without “evil” because “lair” assumes secrecy of any kind, you know?
“A humungous black building rose up from the ground in a wide open clearing.”
- Comma after “wide”
“The sunlight reflected off the building’s metallic surface. I put a hand in front of my eyes, squinting in the light.”
- This is written as separate statements which affects the flow of the writing. I think if you made this one sentence, with a “and” instead of the full stop and perhaps “through” instead of “in” the light would work a little better?
“I halted, opening my mouth to demand why I had to do the dirty work, but Eryk closed his eyes.”
- I don’t think you need the “to demand why I had to do the dirty work” < I don’t think you need this at all. It’s superfluous. I think we already know why she’s turning.
“He hadn’t told me all his powers, I thought, looking at him angrily.”
- You don’t need “I thought” here – it’s in her perspective, I think that you can do without it. I’d also suggest switching the start and end of this sentence, but that might shift the tense, which wouldn’t be good. Consider, though.
Thinking better of my fiery want to snap him out of his min-manipulating daze, I ran silently across the grassy stretch to the side wall.
- Is she really running silently? The grass makes no sound? Is it wet… or particularily soft? This just puzzles me, because when I’m on grass I always make noise. “Mind-manipulating”? and I’d take out “fiery” We’ve established it’s an unhappy look, this is unnecessary.
“I pressed my bare hand against the metal’s smooth surface, whispering, “Don’t worry Merlyn, I’m coming.” I tugged at my blue magic core pulling small strands of power from inside me. I focused the energies, visualizing the formation of a hole where my hand was. Black powder began blowing away from the structure as the material began to disintegrate. I gritted my teeth as I pushed more power into the opening.”
- I, I, I, I – That’s all I see here. You’ve got a series of action that don’t connect; you’re lacking the here. flow that this needs. Join the second and third sentences with an “and” or something similar and take out the “I” before “focused.” then have something like an “as” to start that second sentence then let the fourth sentence be part of that one, this might make a long sentence, I suggest rearranging some commas and full stops so it works. You *need* some flow here.
“an angry voice snapped in my head. I’m doing my best, Eryk. Put a lid on it and let me work,”
- I’d suggest a full stop after “work” and starting this sentence with “His” instead of “an”
Let’s go, I thought, trying to think in Eryk’s general direction.
- Ick. I don’t like this. Firstly: You have her thinking in italics if she wants him to hear. I suggest you do this here. Secondly: don’t include the “I thought”.
“Most of the specters are at the other side so we’ve got sometime,”
- “some time” is two words in this instance.
“I didn’t want to ask my question, but I had to know, “Is he…alive?” I looked down at my feet, waiting with bated breath for his answer.”
- You don’t need “My question” here. And I suggest taking out “with bated breath” here, it’s cliché and sounds a little awkward.
“With that, he charged down the cold stone steps and I followed after him into the blackness.”
- They can’t feel the stone, how does she know it’s cold? Don’t use the sense if it’s not possible they know it’s right. If that makes sense.
“The floor was made from shiny micah and I had to regain my balance every few seconds as we skidded towards the dungeon. “
- I’m confused, what is “micah” exactly?
“He can’t here you Melody. Remember, he’s stone,” Eryk brushed past me advancing slowly into the room.
- “Hear” and a comma after “me”
“It would take an hour for me to get the smell of this room off of my body. “
- I think “might” or “will” would do better than “would” here.
“I saw the vague outline of Merlyn’s figure and I pushed past Eryk. I wrapped my arms around the boy’s skinny, cold frame, burying my face in his stony shoulder.”
- Take out the second and third “I” and turn “wrapped” into “wrapping” and have “I buried” instead of “burying”
I nodded, placing my fingertips against his stony chest.
- Whose chest? It sounds like you mean Eryks, but I know you mean Merlyn’s. Use his name here.
“He’ll warm up on the way out, let’s get a move on,” Eryk grabbed my arm, pushing me out of the room. He swung the limp Merlyn over his shoulder.
- “As he swung…” would work better here, make it one sentence.
The specter looked as just surprised as I was to see it
- No need for “to see it”
These were special makes that the order had issued when I first joined the force.
- “On the blade were…” would work better than “these” we don’t know she’s even
looking at markings at this point.
“The male ghost floated inches within my face as panic overcame my initial want to remain calm.”
- Male ghost, how does she know it’s male? There’s not yet been any clear mention of the distinction, has there? (I’ve read your other chapters, but perhaps do not remember them so well)
“Hello dear Melody. We knew you’d arrive. Where is it?”
- I don’t like the “dear” here, coupled with the “snaps”
I muscled up the courage to send a snide comment his way when suddenly the specter froze in mid air.
- I dislike this use of “suddenly” – I think the use of “froze” indicates a quick halt, I’d take out “suddenly” – if not, move it to before “froze”
“ “Mhmm,” I heard someone groan and I looked around in surprise. Merlyn was blinking his eyes, looking around at the world as he awoke from his sleep like trance. “
- Okay. Here take out the “someone” and use “the” instead, remove the “I”. Can you blink things other than eyes? Take out “his eyes” and “at the world” < he’s not looking at the world, he’s looking at a corridor of black, I’m surprised he can see at all. And I don’t think “sleep like” is necessary, we already know what the spell thing was like, you’d described him at points.
“I said, as we continued are escape. “
- I feel that she “explained” rather than “said”, you use this word a lot anyway, I’d use explain instead. Also, “our” escape.
“At that moment, during that thought, that’s when I hit it. Not an idea or an amazing eureka kind of moment, I literally hit something. I slammed into what felt like a solid brick wall.”
- Ew. You can write better than this… rather… unfunny little pun. I don’t often hear “hit” and an idea word, anyway, so I was confused when you stared on about the idea stuff. I suggest removing that part of the sentence completely.
“I tried to focus, but my vision kept spinning. A sharp pain shot through my back as I tried to push myself up onto my elbows.”
- Make this into one sentence – “and a sharp pain…”
Okay. So, I’ve done a kind of thorough critique – a VERY late critique at that – of this fifth chapter. I have to say that I won’t be doing any other chapters just yet. Mainly because I found that the same problems continued – and preceded this chapter and if you look very closely through your text, you should see these issues.
You tend to make a lot of statement type sentences which meddle with your flow, it could be much better if you made those sentences a bit longer and had a look at some good connector words. This is your biggest problem, the flow of the entire chapter was out because those sentences didn’t connect, so it felt like I was starting and stopping as a reader all the time.
If you fix these issues or edit the later chapters (I’m up to ten) feel free to contact me again. I’m so sorry this was so late, a mix of uni and appalling time management messed me up. I promise any subsequent critiques will not take so long.
Much luck!
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Points: 240
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