Published June 16, 2008
On my Own
I am not afraid to be alone.
I actually like it because it's peaceful.
But no one understands what I like,
I just want to be alone.
I like to go places on my own,
So no one can bother me.
I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
If I need to fight I will fight and you can’t stop me.
The world couldn’t stop me if it tried.
I would be like the guy that has no friends.
I would like to meet him he would know how I feel.
He could explain it to me.
You might think I am crazy,
But I don’t care what you think.
I don’t need anybody’s help.
I am on my own.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,539 Reviews
First, I must say:
That first stanza has got to go! Not only was it lacking, but it was confusing! I don't know if anyone else had this problem, but you know the look when you give something to someone to read, and the suddenly slit their eyes and crinkle their forehead? Yeah, that was my look after reading that.
Also, and I know that was said before, this didn't have much rhythm. The flow was off. And your transitions from stanza-to-stanza was rough.
Your ending would be really nice if it was better supported throughout the poem. Try some elaborating.
Why aren't you afraid? What is it about you that separates you from the others?
What and where are these places of which you speak? Is it your mind? The supermarket? The bathroom??
Stop what? What will the world try to stop? Also, what would the guy with no friends explain to you, exactly?
E-LAB-O-RATE!
So with a little polishing, this piece can truly shine!
Hope to see more of you!
I like it, I get it.
It dosent flow much....but i like it.
Haven't heard of you in a long time, girlfriend!
So, onto the review!
This is how it should be (in my perspective):
If I need to fight I will fight-- and you can't stop me...
Or...
I need to fight-- and you can't stop me...
Other than that, I think that it was pretty good! Keep going with the awesome work!
I like your poem very much but there are a few things I noticed and I have fixed the in bold.
Other than those things I thought your poem was very nice. Keep writing because I think you could go somewhere with your poems like the book of poems called "Burned' and 'Glass'.
You know... I actually like that you repeat the same phrases. That brings your readers back to the title and it kind'a reminds me of a montra or something.
Hullo poppet.
Okay, to be brutally honest? This sounds like a pity me poem. One of those poems that just kind of whinge a bit about how life is and how it sucks sometimes but it doesn't matter because they don't care what you think things. *takes deep breath* but that's not a terribly bad thing! Don't get me wrong, most poetry is exactly the same, you see, has the same theme and the same tone, but the words make people think it's something different.
That's what you're missing here, something to make this different, not the norm. What you'll want to do, dear, is give us some description. What does being alone feel like? Does she not know, is it a blank emptiness, a lack of feeling, maybe it's too much feeling, all crash and hoarding her attention from the world. Maybe she wants to be alone so she can sort through the inner workings of the clockwork and develop the right kind of tick, you know?
You need to give us some description and some poetic words to send us into your narrators psyche. With a bit of description, some metaphors and perhaps some pretty words, you'll have a great piece indeed! It just needs a bit of work, you know?
Try answering some of the questions above. You have any questions, pm me. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I really like the theme/idea, but there are a few major issues.
The first stanza is really weak, and the beginning is where you want to grab hold of your readers attention. Poor grammar and a weak beginning usually discourage readers from finishing a poem. You also need to find a new word to express 'alone' and 'on my own'. The terms are repeated many times throughout the rest of the poem.
This could be a fantastic poem with a little bit of touching up.
I absolutely love your theme, and, overall, your poem.
You just made a few mistakes.
It doesn't really flow, work on that a bit.
Try to start matching that syllable count in each line more.
I do like the imagery you created with your words.
Very vivid, reading it almost seemed as if i was sitting by a very placid pond, or something of that sort.