MaryEvans

“I adjust the hood of my brown wool cloak hiding my faceand make sure my dagger is securely fastened onto my belt.” Something odd is happening here. First I think ...

I’d start with action if I were you. Not the character presenting themselves. Things like names, occupations, hopes and dreams should become clear from the story and by themselves aren’t ...

To start off: Sometimes the words are a bit too… official to suit the more natural tone of the narration. So I would revise the use of all those howevers, ...

I'll start off with a few nitpicks: “He looked up the imposing structure, shielding his eyes from the bright morning sun.” I feel it should be the other way around. ...

I just want to get two things out of the way. First, brows narrowed then flexed? How do brows narrow? They can bunch, lower, rise, furrow, etc. but narrow? That’s ...

I read the ending of the previous chapter, and the beginning of this is still too abrupt. I would take my time and weave in/establish the action. Careful with repetitions. ...

The first sentence, I usually wouldn’t complain about the linked up actions, but it’s an opening sentence, and you have too many things going on. Chop it up and add ...

The dialogue, where he says he’s the president and all, and from Sinai, it sounds a bit expository, not too much, but I’d question myself if it’s really necessary. Her ...

To start off, I want to say that you’ve pulled out the present tense narrative nicely. Not many can do that. I think you need to elaborate at certain points ...

I’ll begin with a few nitpicks: “He lifted the lids of his eye bye a centimeter” oddly specific. No need to say “by a centimetre.” “he was prostrate on the ...

Forever Evergreen? Isn’t that kind of redundant? If it’s Evergreen, it already is Forever, see both have Ever in them. Aaanyhow. Sorry I had to get that out of the ...

The beginning is kind of… general. It’s good to have an establishing “shot” of scenery, but get closer, zoom in on characters. Also it seems kind of artificial with the ...

First, make sure that the prologue is necessary. What you’d hear often these days is: start with chapter one. Cut out prologues, and if you cann't because they will hurt ...

First and most important: make up your mind when it comes to tenses. I looked at “page 1” and it was mostly in present tense narration, this one begins in ...

To start let me get one thing out of the way: I’d question your starting with quotes of other authors. Just personal preference, I find it somewhat… odd. Maybe it ...