Try again - Chapter one: Normal day

by Naveshock

Published June 1, 2014

12+

In Try again

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Hi my name is Anthony James Anderson but I think it´s easier if you just call me Tony, hey everyone else does so why not you?, I´m 17 years old, black-short haired, Caucasian, green eyed, 1 meter and 80 or 5 feet 10, however you see fit, and I’m in my last year at school and have absolutely no idea what to do after that, some say it´s just normal but nonetheless it´s a scary thought and I´m running out of possible solutions for my problem, that was until my Literature teacher Mr. Roberts gave me an advice, and that´s where you come in, you see… he told me that “writing can be the ultimate form of self-expression and that I should try writing about my life because that would help me discover more and more about myself..” and blah blah blah, but hey, better this than nothing. Anyway we´re going to speak a lot throughout this so I hope we can get along, I´m nice once you get to meet me I promise.

You know… I struggled a lot while I thought about how I should start this story, by telling you the details throughout the story, by giving you an introduction before, and so on, but in the end I thought It would be easier If I just show you a normal day In my life and we´ll see how we go from there.

Aaah another beautiful morning full of possibilities, THE SHEER THOUGHT OF THE AMOUNT OF POSSIBILITIES HELD FOR TODAY IS JUST…. Naah I´m just messing with you It’s just another boring, lousy, weak, annoying, sunless Monday morning, and I´m there at my bed just sleeping, dreaming of my last moments of sleep before being forced to go to the “IGNORANTNOFUTUREFACILITY” a.k.a school, it´s funny how you realize the wonder that sleeping is just when the most hated piece of modern technology starts to beep, that it´s of course until you press the snooze button.

You know most writers would give a very detailed description of their surroundings so the reader, meaning you, is more comfortable and can imagine the place easier and connect with it and so on and so forth, so while big guy is there sleeping I´ll give you an idea of how the house looks. Well the house isn´t that big or that small, it´s average, just normal, if you asked about the color it would be ochre or as I like to call it frigging brown, oh by the way I´m a little lazy as you might have noticed and I´m going to use this as my project for literature so that means no swearing, so we´re going to try to keep it PG-13, for those of you who don´t know that is a funny reference, in movies that´s the rating for, as you might have guessed ,13+ and that means we can only use the F-word once and I think we should save It for a special occasion. Now back to the matter at hand, the house is 1 floored, 2 1/2 bedrooms, meaning somewhat of a bedroom in the living room, 3 bathrooms, you can pretty much guess the locations, 1 living room, 1 kitchen, as for characteristics, I guess there´s no use in going into details in all of them let´s just stick with the main ones and explain them as they appear through the story, sounds good?

Going back to the sleeping beauty we start with the bedroom, keeping it simple it´s medium sized, dark blue, a poster that showed the old typical “Game Over” screen, a bed with its usual dark green sheets and 2 pillows, the perfect amount, and a door leading to my bathroom. And now the moment that we´ve all been waiting for as I hit the 4th snooze incomes Rambo(my mom) to finally wake me up with her angelical jelling, and that would be the time for me to bath and get dressed, don´t worry we won´t detail that.

After I get my favorite black shirt, dark blue jeans and white and black converse we´re ready to go.

As usual, I head to the kitchen were I´m supposed to eat “The Most Important Meal Of The Day”, so I sit at the table in one of the two heads, of course the other belonging to my mother( Miss Mary Ann Anderson, An-an for short, you may not hear her name for a while but it´s always good to know) , and as I wait for her I prepare the magnificent colorful morning cereal and just as I finish preparing it she comes around too taking her rightful place at the other head. By the way, if you haven´t noticed yet, my dad left us, when I was still too young to remember he just took his things and left, I have no memory whatsoever of what he is like or how he looks like, in fact I don´t really care, many times my mother would try to sit me down to talk to me about my father but I never wanted to know anything, funny isn´t it? Normally the son is the one that asks questions and the tutor/other parent doesn´t want to talk about it.

Now there she is my mother, I guess it´s time for a description, she a woman that you will never see without her makeup, in fact she at some times can look pretty young but at a closer look you can clearly see the effects of time cause she is actually 47, if you try you can maybe get to see a wrinkle or two. She has dark blue eyes and bright brown hair and she would normally be dressed for some kind of important meeting of high executives even though she´s a normal psychologist, but she does have her own consulting center. She always lived by “Dress To Impress” and that appearances and first impressions are 75% of the work and I wouldn´t argue it is true that if you get to choose between a well-dressed doctor and a badly/poorly dressed doctor, you would go with the first one and pay him more assuming only on appearances that he is more qualified and important, it is actually a really good business advice but I always lived by “Get Dressed Godbless it hurry up” oh and also make it comfy. Anyway as my mom sits down we start our morning conversation.

-Good morning - I started

-Good morning lazy sloth, exited for another day at school?

-Hey lazy or sloth pick one.

-You haven´t answered the question.

-What do you think?

-Have you decided what to do with your life?

-No…

-Have you gotten yourself a girlfriend perhaps?

-No.

-Knew it! should have named you Virgil.

-Any particular reason you´re so funny this morning?

-Just checking in, hey Aileen (Best female friend) and Adam (Best male friend) already came by and went without you.

-Already expected that you would tell them to go without me, oh Mrs. Putter called about the debt.

-I assume you managed to distract her with your young looks.

-Why would you say I used my looks, I just asked her kindly.

-“Kindly”

-Oh ha-ha

-Anyway shouldn´t you be going by now you´re about to be late.

-Yeah… would you be so kind and make up an excuse as to why I´m late?

-I know you too well, did it yesterday you had to help poor Mrs. Putter till late last night you poor thing overslept.

-You´re bad.

-You´re one to talk.

-Ha! Love you.

-Love you too.

And as she said that she gave that typical half-smile and I took off.

As I arrived to school I met with Adam and Aileen. I had told them the day before to wait for me at the school´s gates (One step ahead of you mom), now as descriptions go, ladies first. Aileen Wilson, so Aileen is fairly short, actually shorter than my mother which she loves to bring every time they meet, she has black hair and wears it short, it´s really cute actually, her skin color is really pale and she usually wears very little makeup witch I won´t get into details because I know nothing about makeup, the most I can tell you is that she uses red lipstick although not much. As dressing goes she always try to cover as much skin as possible ( But she´ll never be able to hide that she´s “C”lever) ha-ha you know, after I wrote that I realized that I´m lucky she will not read this. But the most notable trait she has is her eyes, they are a really bright blue and in my opinion the prettiest eyes I´ve ever seen.

Now moving on to Adam Johnson, starting is… oh god, ok there´s no way I can say this without it sounding wrong but I´ll try, he has a fairly dark skin color, in fact you may say that it is a color really close to the color black, there we go, nobody offended? Ok let´s move on. Now as for his stature, I´ll just say it, he´s huge, he escaped from mythology because he´s a titan, he´s the giant that Jack saw when he climbed the plant but he survived, the idea of the solar eclipse is just him when he stretches his arms and his hands cover the sun, not to mention that man has muscles on his muscles if he were to punch anyone, that person would win a free trip to China, ok now that I got that out of my chest I must clarify that he wouldn´t even try to hit a fly, he has shaved head since I can remember so I could never pinpoint his real hair color, he normally wears sport-clothes, he has brown eyes and always has a peaceful face.

-There you are class´s about to start where were you? – Asked Aileen

-Sleeping – I replied

-Figured, anyway let´s go inside you´re late.

-Relax, I have it covered.

-You mean an excuse? – Adam asked. Aileen already told Mr. Roberts that were going to make another excuse.

-HA! But my mother sent a note yesterday!

-Na-na lied – Said Aileen coldly.

-WHAT? She didn´t sent anything? Aaah, wait a second but that means that means that you are late too, right? I guess we´re all going to stay after school.

-Actually – Adam intervened. Na-na called us before you did and told us to ignore you, Mr. Roberts sent us to look for you.

-YOU…, SHE…., THEM… AAAAAAAH (Guess you´re never one step ahead a mother)

-I guess next time you will skip the snooze button. –Said Aileen.

-No, I won´t.

-Yes, I know… Anyway we should head back let´s go.

-Ladies first.

-Lady? Where?

Adam and I laughed and we all proceeded to head to the classroom.

Aaah my school long hallways painted of gray, with the originality and creativity of a living square; of course there are some trophies and posters here and there but it doesn´t help much. At that time everyone was in class with the little exception of the only person I know lazier than me, Aaron Stewart, a.k.a Houdini, you might have guessed why, he´s skinny, brown haired, has a little trace of beard and green eyes and was dressed with what I believe was the same jacket from yesterday, yup that’s Houdini right there, the 4th member whenever he wasn´t sleeping, you know, it´s funny how the only thing he does is sleep but he still has bags under his eyes, with that unpreoccupied smile, I mean, why should he? He´s the best programmer I know and his father makes a living selling and repairing everything related to computers, his future is clear as crystal.

-If it isn´t my fellow brothers in arms. Finally awake sleeping beauty?

-I never understood how you sleep a lot more than me, but you still have a perfect assistance record.

-It´s all about timing, even a monkey could do it, and with effort, you too.

-Whatever you say Houdini.

-Hey aren´t you supposed to be in class? – Asked Adam

-What do you mean? I´m just going to the bathroom, eventually.

-And there´s the magic ladies and gentlemen. –Said Aileen

-Anyway don´t you think it´s time to go?

-What? I was just waiting for you.

-Figured – I said.

And that´s how 4 of the 5 members assembled and we all went directly to the classroom, 3 waiting to laugh and me waiting for my imminent punishment.

Now that we´re at the classroom we have to talk about another main character, Mr. Roberts, and specify a few things before the following conversation so you don´t get the wrong idea, Mr. Roberts is a middle aged man, with a few white hairs as proof, I don´t exactly know his age, but I do know he´s below 50s, He is brown skinned and has some wrinkles because of time, or me, who knows? He also has almost transparent eyes, legend says he can see your soul and know if you´re lying, and the scary thing is I´m not sure if it´s just a legend, to cover his eyes he has really big black glasses that looked exactly of what you would see in a grandpa in an old TV show, and of course his trademark, his mustard colored suit with it´s signature elbow patches of a darker brown, and with my mother, he happens to be the wisest person I know, and in his way, one of the kindest.

-Mr. Anderson, do you have any idea what time it is?

-I´m sorry agent Smith, I was helping…

-Mrs. Putter? No you were not (Told you) and would you please stop with that joke that was never funny.

-How…

-Miss Wilson told me in advance

-But…

-Yes her word isn´t absolute so I checked with your mother.

-HA! But…

-Even though she´s your mother she doesn´t know everything about you, correct? That´s why I asked her to check with Mrs. Putter.

He always had a really deep and authoritarian voice along with a stance to reinforce it; you will never beat him at an argument.

-I´m deeply sorry I tried to lie to you Mr. Roberts, I acknowledge my mistake and I promise you I It´ll never happen again.

-You do know you´re still having detention, right? (God! I swear he´s Morgan Freeman´s lost brother)

-Yes Mr. Roberts.

-Have a seat.

And as I turned to watch my loyal friends laugh in silence and making fun of me in their heads, as I knew from their expression, the literature class began.

After 4 hours we can finally take a little break from the mindless work that is classes, if you haven´t noticed by now I´m not very fond to my school, the only real subject I enjoy would be literature, but It´s only twice a week so it doesn´t help that much. Going back to lunch, it would seem the typical to the inexpert eye, but to me it´s the best moment of the day go outside with fresh air, eat and most importantly talk with my friends.

-Well how about that, the day was actually not that bad even though Sam (Meaning the 5th member) wasn´t here. – Said Houdini

-I actually heard she was fairly sick.

-Speaking of Sam. – Aileen interrupted. Tony, she asked me to remind you of her show this weekend so you won´t forget.

-How could I, TONY, forget of an event as important as that?

-Did you?

-Yup.

-Knew It.

-Hey speaking of favors, Tony can I stay at your place tonight?

I guess I´ll have to explain a little, the thing is that Adam´s parents haven´t been getting along so well lately and they usually fight a lot. It is very sad.

-OF COURSE YOU CAN BIG GUY! But are you sure? I have detention remember?

-As if we don´t know your detentions only last 10 to 15 minutes.

As I said, Mr. Roberts is really kind.

-Ok is set then.

-Thanks man, appreciate it.

The rest of the day wasn´t that exiting, a few classes here and there and a few laughs until it was time to go home except for me.

As I entered the classroom Mr. Roberts was already there waiting with his signature suit and glasses, sitting at his desk with a chair already prepared in front of it for me, so I sat down and like that we started our usual conversation.

-So Tony (He normally calls me like that when no one´s around) how´s life? Anything new?

-Well not really, haven´t figured out what I´m going to do with my life yet, no new people and the rest is normal. AH! There´s Sam´s fashion show this weekend. We´ll go to cheer for her.

-Really, sure you won´t forget?

-I´m really lazy and I forget a lot of things, but when it comes to my friends, I´ll always be there. I´m definitely going to that show.

-You know? It would be good if you told your loved ones that more often.

-Tell me again why you´re not…

-A psychologist? I was going to, until I realized that my heart was at teaching.

-Sometimes your guessing scares me.

-HAHA! So tell me, how´s the book?

-It´s great they´re loving it.

-They?

-Don´t worry they get it.

-Am I right to assume that means you are going to write down this conversation?

-Every word, watch what you say.

-Good luck finding me making a mistake.

-Oh I will.

-Very well, I´ll accept your challenge Mr. Anderson.

-Ha-ha

-Now then, last question. How´s Adam?

-Well… you know him; he has the heart of a marshmallow but he´s tough as a mountain, don´t worry.

-Glad to hear It. Very well, that´s all for today Mr. Anderson, I´ll see you another day.

-Later Mr. Roberts

After a handshake I went outside to find Adam and after the greetings we went on our way to the house. The streets that night were dark, the lights were kind of failing but not really, and as we walked down the street I realized that the whole street was wet, as it turns out, it had been raining for a little while as I was on school, so as we continued the path we started a normal conversation.

-So tell me big guy, how´s Amy? ( That would be his girlfriend)

-She´s good, as a matter of fact she´s about to get that scholarship.

-It´s just as I say, good things always come out of effort.

-But you´re never doing anything.

-What good came out of me?

-Ha-ha, come on, don´t be that harsh on yourself, speaking of girls, how´s Aileen?

-What are you talking about? You saw each other at school today.

-I didn´t meant it that way.

-Then which way?

-Never mind, aah poor Aileen

-What?

-Just ignore it.

-Ok as you say big guy.

-Poor indeed.

After some time of walking and chatting we came across a strange figure that immediately gave me the chills.

The figure was of a tall man, don´t ask for details because he was all covered up in clothes, even his face, from that very moment we shouldn’t have kept walking that way, we should´ve turned around, but we didn´t, we were caught in our happy conversation of something so meaningless that if you asked me now what it was I wouldn´t know.

We kept going and going step by step towards that shady figure not even facing us, his full attention at that time was on a wall and I didn´t knew what it meant back then, but now I just can´t help but to feel anxiety of that moment, that walk getting closer and closer towards that figure, and me, with absolutely no idea of what would happened then.

As I write this I just can´t help to ask for a god, any god, any superior being that he lets me turn around, change directions, stop what it´s about to happen but no, that moment, that walk, that would come to torment me in my nightmares, that unstoppable, slow walk with a tragedy waiting at the end, a tragedy caused by my own stupidity.

But there´s no helping it because we eventually arrived to the shady figure, and as I turned around to look at it I saw the only detail I can give you, he made a big smile showing a golden teeth, the moment I saw that smile was when I realized about my mistake even before the tragedy I started quivering with fear, pale and sweating, I was just like a fly who did not realized it landed on the wrong plant until it was too late.

I watch it in my head time and time again how he turns around and I watch, that´s all I do, I watch him turning around step by step very slowly and I can´t move nor stop it. When he finally turned around he finally reveals why he was examining the wall so carefully, because at that moment he pulled out a gun.

That´s when he finally revealed what he wanted.

-GIVE ME ALL THE VALUABLE POSSESIONS!!! – The man screamed, and he screamed so hard that he almost broke his voice midsentence, and as he said that he started moving the gun up and down, left and right showing he didn´t cared at all for our lives.

It took me one or two full seconds that seemed like an eternity to snap out, and when I did I watched that Adam was already emptying his pockets, so as fast as I could I reached to my pocket and then it struck me, that day, from all the days of my life, that day I forgot my cellphone and my wallet at my house, and as that monster with human form grew impatient and started aiming at me I had to answer.

-I don´t have anything.

-YOU TAKE FOR A JOKE???? GIVE ME THE MONEY NOW!!!

-I´m telling you I don´t have anything I swear.

Of course he did not believed me; he looked me in the eyes with a look as cold as ice yet burning with fury and as he, full of anger began his scape, he aimed at me and shot. But before the shot, just a moment before I felt an immense force that threw me backwards and directly to the floor. I started to get dizzy; I had hit my head really bad. When I could finally see clearly again I saw that the monster was gone, but that only mattered to me for a brief instant because after that my full attention went to were was Adam, I screamed and screamed his name, I was completely lost at that dark street, until I finally found him in front of me lying on the street as red covered them slowly, because that night Adam took a bullet for me, on that dark, cold night, my “Normal Day” became a nightmare.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
MaryEvans
Review
MaryEvans wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

I’d start with action if I were you. Not the character presenting themselves. Things like names, occupations, hopes and dreams should become clear from the story and by themselves aren’t really a story. More like a resume and no one reads those to be honest.
No caps locks please. Unless you have a very convincing argument for them. Then I will counter with the very simple, yet undeniable fact that capital letters are really hard to read when next to each other thus breaking the flow and turning away the reader.

Careful with the “jargon” too. Free voice is nice but in moderation. Just make sure everything your character says is absolutely necessary, because things like "Naah I´m just messing with you" are full of personality and oh so unnecessary and weighting down on your narration.

More dialogue tags. Also generally in English you present the dialogue in quotes, not with dashes.

I have to be completely honest. I couldn’t read it until the end. Your problem is action. You have too little of it and too much of description and set up. And description and set up are vital, don't get me wrong, but you need to moderate. Make sure you have equal parts of detail, action and a pinch of conflict when trying to bake the beautiful cake of reader immersion.

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review
Rosendorn wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hello.

I am aware this is humour. I am aware you're probably trying to go for a very specific tone.

However.

That doesn't mean you can break rules of grammar to the point your story is basically illegible in the name of creating it.

I read three paragraphs of this. Each paragraph was a single sentence in terms of punctuation and about three or four in practice. A rambling narrator is fine but you hit a certain point where there are plain old too many ideas in a sentence and you have to split it off.

You also use a lot of caps to show emphasis when that is really not a good idea to do in prose. I'd suggest italics, instead, because those are a little easier to read and less jarring in general.

Please add periods to this and break up the sentences. Clean up the grammar. Make it follow some semblance of English rules.

Then you'll actually have humour that's legible. Your infodump at the beginning might actually be half decent, even though I really think you should cut it and get to action a little faster. Give us a reason to keep reading before diving right on in.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

User avatar
Evander
Review
Evander wrote a review Review · Jun 6, 2014

Hello,

Raven here to review.

Now, I shall first say... WELCOME TO YWS! Now that I have said that, I'll get to the nitpicks.

Nitpicks!

They way you start of the story is... overused. Many writers begin their story like that, and it get cliche and boring. You're telling us how Tony looks, instead of showing us. I would prefer if you told us how he looks through Tony's actions.

Your dialogue hard to read. Using '-' the start of speech. And it is hard knowing who is talking. Maybe you could use double quotation marks in speech. Like this:

"Mary, Mary quite contrary." One of Mary's guards began talking to her.
"Oh," She turned her head around to face the man. "You're asking how my garden grows?"
The man looked down and mumbled. "No, I know that."
But, Mary just kept on talking. "With silver bells, and cockle shells..."
Dejectedly the guard recited: "And pretty maid all in a row..."

See how that is easier to read? And it also describes things.

in movies that´s the rating for, as you might have guessed ,13+ and that means we can only use the F-word once and I think we should save It for a special occasion

Space between the comma and 13+.

Rambo(my mom)

You need a space between "Rambo" and the left parentheses.

-Good morning - I started

You need a period at the end of that.

-Good morning lazy sloth, exited for another day at school?

Stuff in red: Common mistake. "Exited" should be "excited".

-Just checking in, hey Aileen (Best female friend) and Adam (Best male friend) already came by and went without you.

Okay, the hyphens are kinda growing on me. But, you can do it like this: -Just checking in, hey Aileen,- My female best friend -and Adam- my best male friend -already came by and went without you.-

-“Kindly”

-Oh ha-ha

You need some sort of punctuation at the end of that.

Aileen Wilson, so Aileen is fairly short, actually shorter than my mother which she loves to bring every time they meet,

Stuff in blue: That was worded funny, maybe you should add one more word. actually shorter than my mother which she loves to bring up every time they meet,

-There you are class's about to start where were you? – Asked Aileen

Stuff in green: That should be "class is".
Stuff in purple: That should be lower case.

-I´m deeply sorry I tried to lie to you Mr. Roberts, I acknowledge my mistake and I promise you I It´ll never happen again.

Stuff in yellow: The "I" is not needed.

-How could I, TONY, forget of an event as important as that?

Caps make it look unprofessional. For emphasis, I would recommend using italics.

I find this story very interesting! Tell me when you write more!

Raven,

User avatar
rocketdog11
Review
rocketdog11 wrote a review Review · Jun 2, 2014

Naveshock! Rocketdog11 for a review here.
Can I say first that I like where this is going? You set up your main characters really well and I like that. I also like that you put some humour into your writing, and it's done well. Because trying to write something that has funny parts but is at the same time about a serious subject (like this) is a very hard thing to do. You walk that thin line in your writing with ease in this chapter. However, the only thing I would say is that you should watch for your run-on sentences and some of your periods, because some of them are kind of wayward. But otherwise, I think it's a very good exposition to this story, and the use of a normal setting makes that "normalcy" not seem as normal any more in the latter half of your chapter.
Keep on truckin'.



trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings