Leja

My first thought was Ahh, she didn't capitalize "I" anywhere! but then I realized that you don't capitalize "I" anywhere ever, so... I dunno. I'm sure I had a point, ...

So many pronouns at the beginning! Lots of "she [verb]..." and "Her [noun]..." And hence, the beginning seemed a little choppy like [action][action][action]. Affairs office for more than seven hours, ...

*pokes the countless others whom I solicited for crits* oooo-kay! :D Post One (also known as the Prologue) The first "you" addressing the reader was startling because there hadn't been ...

At the end of reading this, I'm left asking "why? how?" The moon is watching over the subject, yes, and the subject wants to join her and the other things ...

I like the first line, how it's staggered so it seems like you are taking a gasping breath before you go underwater. But why crucifix arms? I mean, I see ...

The rhymes used here are the obvious ones you think of when trying to rhyme. There's nothing new there and as a result, it sticks out like a sore thumb, ...

In the second stanza, I'm not sure if "pawn it off" works since what follows talks about how breath is being extracted. Almost like the action has been inverted. In ...

I think there needs to be a little more detail. Especially towards the middle, the sentences become rather short, and in the same form of subject/verb/object. Variation of structure, description, ...

*PLZ CRITIC, TNX* Things like this are unnecessary; it should be assumed that someone will critique it, as that is the point of this website. Also, the chatspeak and the ...

Wildecharlie818, First off, just a friendly reminder of the 2-1 rule on YWS. That is, for every piece of work you post, you should critique at least two by other ...

There is nothing subtle about this poem. As such, it seems especially emo. "We were both in pain,/yours was emotional mine was physical" This line seems too prosaic, too blatant. ...

This reads as if it should be a nonfiction piece (because the narration is so distant) Tear-crafting is a specialised talent taking lifetimes to perfect. yet it is emotionally infused ...

[s]I didn't like the blue jay image in the second stanza. It seemed too fleeting and didn't really return.[/s] (disregard ^_^) The second stanza sounds too lofty to me. Lots ...

Normally, I could care less about punctuation, but I think a bit is necessary here because as is, it's rather slow going, and all your ideas hit against one another. ...

I've been looking at this title in the list of recent posts for a while now. I like it. And I like the line breaks. I think that would translate ...