Suicide Letter
Trapped in fears embrace
Darkness falls as I descent
Tangled thick in dreams of woe
Set aside in moments haste
I wait I surrender I roam
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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The poem is sweet, but could be improved. Right now, it leaves little feeling or information. If it were longer it would be better.
Also, you wrote desent, its decend.
It's a bit vague, I think. Had there not been a title or anything, I wouldn't have known it was talking about suicide, which I guess is perfectly fine since the poem is talking about feelings generated by suicide, but I still think you could go into more depth, as Amelia mentioned.
Also what this poem is missing, is punctuation.
A suggestion:
I wait. I surrender. I roam.
Or something along the lines of that, it provides for dramatic pause and leaves a sense of finality. I personally am confused with the 'roam' part of this, but that could just be me.
Wildecharlie818,
First off, just a friendly reminder of the 2-1 rule on YWS. That is, for every piece of work you post, you should critique at least two by other people. For more information, refer to the Rules and Guides page or feel free to PM me ^_^
On to the critique...
This doesn't seem to present anything new. Suicide is a serious thing, yet all the words in this poem are words that are general, unspecific. "Trapped in fears" There must be a specific type of fear because everyone is afraid of something, but not everyone wants to commit suicide.
The second line is vague, and an image would be helpful. (There's a typo, besides). What kind of darkness? How does it fall? Where is the subject descending to?
"Dreams of woe" The word woe is horribly clichéd, and here it isn't used to mean anything new. Though the last line is nice, the setting aside of moments.
This seemed more like teen angst than a sensitive portrayal of suicide.
* darkness falls as i DECEND
Really interesting, could be longer. The last line puzzles me a bit too, maybe it could use some commas, or be a little more conclusive.
Great so far though. Kudos.