GryphonFledgling

Satu taking Rossa to her house after only just meeting her seems kind of strange, as does Rossa asking in the first place. I can maybe see Rossa asking if ...

1. Did it catch your attention? Not at first. The thing that kind of put me off was the article. I agree with everyone else that it didn't come across ...

Oooh, very nice. *hooked* I liked this a great deal. You had plenty of description, but you still were able to blend it in so well and keep the story ...

Agh! My eyes, my eyes! As is, this is all clumped together in one huge lump of text that is quite hard for the poor reader to make out. My ...

I am another non-poet, but I am leaving my two cents. The font really threw me off, but I really do like the poem. It could use a little more ...

Very, very nice. Good luck presenting it! My only comment would be that it does feel a little sparse in the description department. Maybe just a tad more description about ...

Oh, lovely. The first sounds like me trying to get on today. It just did not want to work for some reason! ;) Delightful. These were quite amusing. I didn't ...

Interesting. You have quite a few neglected capitalization-needing words, especially 'I' a few times. A couple of times, you need to capitalize the "Oh" in "Oh baby". Also, punctuation really ...

Daaang... Timea got to you first. Well, just about everything I was going to point out to you has been caught, so I won't bother repeating it. My big critique ...

I was a bit confused as to what time period this is supposed to be. You mention that Sentri has an ipod. Yet Sataru has a dagger under her pillow. ...

Very nice. I didn't like the instance of caps in the last sentence, however. Perhaps italics would be a better choice. It just looks a bit better, and still does ...

*snickers* I actually thought this was a real story for the first few lines and was ready to tear it to shreds before I realized that it was a joke. ...

Interesting concept. I'd like to read more. The paragraph spacing might not be as bad now as it might have been whenever, but you still need to do some spacing ...

Hey there... I didn't realize that this was part II of something and was confused as to why it felt like the continuation of something. I would edit the title ...

Very nice, Mark. Very nice... I'm a little confused by your author's note. You said that we wouldn't have understood this part even if we had read what comes before ...