Published April 17, 2008
I think what you have here is very interesting. It's definitely not what I expected after reading the prologue, but I liked it. You've gotten me very curious about who Rossa is and why her mother would murder her for an accident like that.
There were a few things that I think needed a little help.
1.
What if they were older? Satu realized that she had been playing a lengthy game of “what ifs”.The article of a tabloid had set up so many questions in her mind! Tabloids are to be disregarded as about as real as…fairy tales!
You changed tenses halfway through this bit. Fix that, and it's fine.
2.
Her dreams filled with everything except what she wanted to dream about – fairy tales. Then again, some fairy tales continue living unknown from when they were lost by a generation. Satu may have very well been dreaming about fairy tales.
There's something about this bit that seems a little weird. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but the last sentence almost seems like you changed view points or something. It just seems a little awkward.
3.
After kicking on her shoes, Satu slid the glass basement door open and closed it behind her.
Kicking on her shoes? Maybe people say that and I just don't realize it, but it sounds a little weird. How do you kick on your shoes?
4.
Satu trudged along, staring at her feet to avoid the gazes of homeless or drunken shadows that draped on and over benches.
That last bit (the bit in bold) seemed a little weird to me. I know what you meant now, but when I first read it, I was thinking "What the heck?". I think rewording it might be a good idea.
5.
A string of curses came from a female voice as Satu’s companion-through-clumsiness began to stir from the collision.
There's nothing wrong with this, I just like the idea of a "companion-through-clumsiness". 
I liked this piece. It's well written, and it got my curiosity up. Can't wait for the next bit!
Keep writing!
-Sorceress
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
**LOCKED**
Teague
x
Whaha! What happened? Your text has disappeared! And I wanted to review it!
PM me if you get it back up.
~Lupis
Hi. I'm sorry I couldn't get this to you sooner, I've been real busy and haven't been able to get on YWS at all, really.
This is kinda awkward. I suggest you say: "12:48 am, read the neon blue... (etc)"-Nitpick-
Show us her hunger, rather than telling us about it.
The period should be inside the quotation marks.
Repetition of "particular" here. I recommend you do something about that. Also, "distinguish" seems like an odd word choice... maybe just say "find" or "think of?"
This should be Satu turned the page to the next story: “Hansel and Gretel."
That bold part is just plain weird. Eternally thankful? You're just using a common saying... bur it doesn't really fit there.
Again, punctuation should be INSIDE the quotation marks.
These thoughts should probably be italic.
This is strange. At first, you say that she's not dreaming about fairy tales, but then, you say that she is.
What is she curious about? Also, try to show us her curiosity rather than tell.
I don't think that "vault" needs to be in quotes.
I suggest you delete "wait." It sounds weird, especially because you don't go into more detail about the filth.
:wink:
"Realize" strikes me as a weird word choice. Maybe "see" or "realize that."
I think this should be "still-shadowed."
I think you mean to say "...come with you..."
... I think you mean "contrasted WITH."
Eep. Too many exclamation points.
______________________
Some overall issues:
Character
Satu seems like a perfect character to me. She is so nice to Rossa, so trusting and friendly. The only problem I can see with her is that she's spacey -- and that really isn't a fault. Give her more faults... quirks. I want to be able to feel like I know her, I want to be able to escape into her shoes. Which leads me to...
Person
Like Perriwinkle said, I think you should write this in the 1st person.
Showing vs. Telling
You do need to work on this, but I think you already know that so I won't go into it.
Overall, I think this is getting quite interesting! I'm curious to know where it's going.
PM me if you have questions/comments about my review.
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
Thankyou for the critiques I'm working on fixing all the things you've pointed out (it might be awhile)
Satu taking Rossa to her house after only just meeting her seems kind of strange, as does Rossa asking in the first place. I can maybe see Rossa asking if they could hang out and them dottering about somewhere, but not Satu taking her to her house. Then again, I don't know where else they're going to go at four in the morning, but it's your story.
Interesting. I'm wondering what'll happen next. Again, I got here late so everyone else has snapped up the good critiques. *pouts*
I look forward to reading more. PM when you post more, would you please?
~GryphonFledgling
I. NITPICKS
"Sitting up quickly" is a weird beginning. "Satu sat up and found herself disoriented." Also, your telling us again! "She wondered what time it was" They way you wrote that down sounds like your an orator. It sounds good when your reading something aloud to a crowd, but on paper it sounds funny.
That's a good description, but you can make it better. "The box of crackers rocked unsteadily in her arms and finally tipped to the floor - falling like dominoes." They shouldn't be separate sentences over. Also this doesn't make sense. She goes to the kitchen, gets crackers, and then drops them (on the floor I'm guessing?) and then goes off to finish reeding?.
Impacted is a funny word to use...I think you should change it. Also, "cracked while something crinkled" sounds a bit weird, too. I think you should change that.
Gulping, Satu did her best to find a solution, “Well, there is a twenty four hour convenience store down the road, and I was just heading that way. We could try to replace what I ruined?”
Start a new paragraph here.
Street lamp! Goodness!
You say hoodie too much in this paragraph! Try to not ever repeat the same words in the same paragraph or, most importantly, sentence.
We realize she's curious. You don't have to tell us!
II. SHOWING VS. TELLING
Same problem here...see last review!
III. PERSON PROBLEMS
Hmm...I think that this piece would be best written in first-person. It would be much less show-y and also you can add your personal input, which you do quite often. You often use rhetorical questions or insert abstract thoughts into here like, "Wait. Maybe the world is dirty." You said something like that. That just seems to much of a personal input for a third-person piece.
IV. OVERALL IMPRESSION
This was pretty good and interesting. Are you going for an L sort of thing with the candy? So, yep. That's it.
bumpity bump bump. Sorreh.
I really would appreciate reviews...
Thankyou for the praise! It means more than you can imagine! ^^
hey this was really good! The story was great, and I want to read more! I wonder who Rossa is...? I know, cause I'm special. But everyone should use context clues. =DD
very, very good my friend.
good job at writing your first chapter 1!
I need some more edits! Sorry so much for bumping DX
Thankyou! I'll be looking into the things you pointed out later today! Glad you liked it!