You want to know what I think?
I think
you and me would be perfect together.
Hold my hand please,
don’t be shy--
You, me, perfect.
Except this perfect picture is ruined
by the thick, black marker scrawl
that is her.
Or are you
and her
picture perfect?
Am I the scrawl?
I know I play
some part.
I am in your picture, right?
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Ok. Let's look at some errors. I'm going to quote some lines to point out errors.
Should be one line not seperared into two lines.
You need to connect the sentences together. This is really good, but the cut off sentences thorws off the rhythem. Fix this error and you'll be good. I hope this helps.
-Rick.
Thanks Pirhana! I agree with your review. The truth is, I'm not too good with punctuation when it come to poetry. As for the 'You and me' thing: I know that it's supposed to be You and I, but I felt it flowed better and more naturally, and seemed more 'personal' as 'You and me'.
Yeah so I made the changes like you said.
I really, truly love this. It's clear and concise, yet the metaphor is exotic enough to keep this a poem. It's a really wonderful blend!
That being said, I'm not of the opinion that there is any excess wordage here. I understand what JFW1415 is saying about the line 'I know I play some part,' and why it should taken out, but here's why I think it shouldn't;
The poem gives me the impression that the speaker, despite using dramatic language and entertaining fanciful, possibly unrealistic thoughts ('perfect' is a stong word that, in regards to real life and especially relationships, shouldn't be used frivolously) is actually quite grounded and realistic, as after all, the speaker is mature enough to consider and realize that maybe his/her love interest is perfect with someone else. An obsessed, love-struck, crazed individual would never consider the possibility. So, the moment you take that line out--
it disrupts the thoughtful, contemplative pacing of the speaker. Now the poem makes the speaker sound obsessed and insecure, as omitting the line speeds up the pacing so suddenly with two angsty, now impatient-sounding questions. I can just imagine the speaker grabbing the subject by the shoulders and shaking them violently while interrogating him/her with these questions. I feel like in this case, weakening the speaker cheapens the black scrawl metaphor (and therefore the poem as a whole), as now, instead of being the thoughtful insight of an intelligent individual, it becomes the cheap ramblings of a mentally and emotionally unstable individual.
Those are my feelings, anyway. Now onto the formatting!
Because this is a free-format poem with complete sentences bleeding onto subsequent lines, I would ditch any unnecessary capitalization. For example,
would become
Or are you
and her
picture perfect?
appearing as it would if it were all on one line. It's less distracting, I think. For example, because of the capitalization, the line
kind of looks and sounds like 'That is her' is its own complete thought, as though the speaker is just kind of thinking yep, 'That is her.'
So I would reformat as so;
You want to know what I think?
I think
you and me would be perfect together.
Hold my hand please,
don’t be shy--
You, me, perfect.
Except this perfect picture is ruined
by the thick, black marker scrawl
that is her.
Or are you
and her
picture perfect?
Am I the scrawl?
I know I play
some part.
I am in your picture, right?
Some of the punctuation changes are personal preference and can be ignored if they don't tickle your fancy. :)
Two last notes; if you -really- want to be a stickler for proper grammar, it's actually supposed to be 'you and I' instead of 'you and me,' but since this is written from someone's point of view, and because people speak colloquially instead of formally, it's perfectly fine to leave it as it is, and besides, it's a lot of 'I's in a row if you change it. Lastly, I noticed you capitalized every line except 'some part.' So if you do decide to keep the capitalization, here's your chance to be consistent. ;)
I hope this helped! Wonderful poem!
I like this. I think it reads quite well, though it would be better if you added some punctuation. Well anyway, I think it deserves a star so -
*gives gold star*
There you go
Keep writing,
Bkwrm
Oh, I absolutely adore this.
I don't know.. it's just perfect.
And it sounds great read aloud.
I did not intentionally change the font, when I clicked 'pre' to keep the format the font automatically changed. I've changed it now so I hope it's better.
For those who don't understand the poem:
What I mean by 'picture' is actually an Image in my mind. In the beginning I'm describing myself with a boy and I am saying we would be so perfect, but the 'image' is ruined because of 'her'. Her is his other. If you get what I mean. I describe it as a thick black marker scrawl, because that's how I feel about her in this 'picture'. She is ruining my image.
But then I go on to look at the REAL thing that's going on not the image in my mind and show that as a 'picture'. I'm questioning instead of me, Him and her are picture perfect. I go on to say, I play some part in the image. I ask if I too am in this image?
Do you understand??
If you don't then...umm *scratches her head and looks at her shoes*.
GryphoneFledging: I can see why you think 'I play some part' should be taken out. But to tell you truth I'd like to get more reviewers and see what they think, if you understand. You have no idea how difficult it is to take out from something you've written. Or maybe you already know.
hmmmmm..... I like it but I just don't get the message. hmmm... will you tell me later???? Please?
I am another non-poet, but I am leaving my two cents.
The font really threw me off, but I really do like the poem. It could use a little more fleshing out, maybe with more comparisons somehow to photography. But I did like the simplicity and innocence of the poem. Very nice...
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
First, I do not critique poetry. I do not enjoy poetry. However, this was on the front page and I read it there, and I just have to make one quick comment.
I did really like this (although I'm not sure how much that means,) but I would take out the line 'I know I play some part' line. It would be much stronger that way.
Also, I'd change the font and format, like the person above me said. It's a little annoying to read this way, and this font shoves readers away.
Nice job! It made me think, even though it was cliched. I would wait for more poets' opinions on this, though.
~JFW1415
I liked the comparison of "her" to a black marker scrawl, then wondering if you were the scrawl. That was interesting.
The things I didn't like were the formatting and the repetition of perfect. For the formatting, I don't know if this was intentional or not, but the weird indents aren't really adding anything. I'd go for more traditional line breaks and stanzas if I were you, because the poem would make just as much sense that way and it doesn't distract the reader as much. Also, normal punctuation marks help because they show the reader how it was meant to be read.
As for the repetition, it masks a deeper issue: The whole "picture perfect" thing is a cliche. However, I think you can make it work if you describe the picture in all its perfection. Where is it? What are you two doing? Are you smiling? Are you standing close together? Far apart? Are you looking at the camera? At each other? At something else? I want to see this picture as it was before the marker scrawl.
I think if you fleshed this out a bit more, you could make this much better. Keep writing!
I really like it. But I don't don't think you need the extra "I think" in there it seems repetitive and it gets annoying. But that is ok. I like the structure got great structure. But the font is kind of hard to read. you don't need fancy font.
It just makes it harder to read. Well if you have any questions feel free to PM me.
SimonCowellLuver
Hum mabe that explanes me......I don't know.....
I like it....the ruined picture perfect
would never compare to a picture perfect.....
-em
(O ya go mizz iceberg!!!)(;