Published April 14, 2008
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141,319 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
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Teague
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Hey there.
Why do you need to be so wordy about a bar code being scanned by the price scanner? And does the sound really echo? I'm sure it doesn't.
Rattled I would accept, wove I won't. Shopping carts are not flexible like that.
I'm not a fan of adverbs, as they end up feeling more of a telling thing rather than showing. Show to uas as to how Satu lazily picked the tabloid up.
Are you sure that once upon a time is a cliche? Isn't it a standard way of how fairy tales begin? Don't mix up the idea between cliches and what is considered standard or acceptable.
Overall impressions:
This is OK, but there is little intrigue to it. Satu's character could had been developed more. We don't really get a deeper idea of who Satu is. Her relationship between her character and the idea of fairy tales could had been explored more. One way of achieving it is showing Satu's personality. Is Satu a cute kind of girl? Is she serious? Is she innocent? Show us that.
I also suggest that you consider what I'm going to say under consideration:
What are fairy tales commonly associated with? Prince Charming, Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel etc. Are they not perfect characters that have little to no flaws to them? Prince Charming is pretty much a sterotype of what we consider to be the "perfect man." Cinderella is just a beautiful character that suddenly gets help from nowhere and finds love with little effort. Little Red Riding Hood is another pretty character that raids a person's house and manages to get away despite it being against the law to do so. Did she get prosecuted? No... She got away scot free! What the heck?
Rapunzel is just a damsel in distress. Think about it, what do fairy tales all have in common? Do they not potray the idea of a perfect world with no flaws?
Now compare that to the idea of a myth. How do they differ? What remains the same?
I suggest that you read the poem "Leaving Prince Charming" by Karlo Mila. It will help you a lot with your fantasy. If you can't find it, PM me and I'll send it to you, as we studied the poem in english class. You can also ask for the analysis that I had to do for her poems.
Andy.
Thankyou for the critiques!
1. Did it catch your attention? Not at first. The thing that kind of put me off was the article. I agree with everyone else that it didn't come across as as a factual article, but more of an opinion piece with more thoughts than facts. You kind of gloss over the technical side. I would go back and follow typical tabloid bunk and just slam the reader with a shocking story of a talking frog that turned into a prince in the Amazon rainforest. You can have Satu get bored of it really fast so that the reader doesn't put the book down or something, but make it sound realistic. You're putting too much artistic flair into a gritty "news" article.
2. How is the character development going, however short? So far I like it. I am glad that we start off with the character in their home enviorment, rather than suddenly changing their life in the first paragraph, which really doesn't let us see them at all before they are acting weird. However, as you yourself say, it is pretty short and I didn't have a lot of material to work off of. Come later chapters, that will change.
3. Other thoughts? A 'Little Red Riding Hood' retelling? With the Big Bad Wolf as a human? I had an idea for that very thing, only actually set in a fantasy world and I never actually did anything with it. I'm sure that whatever you end up doing will be fabulous!
All the nitpicks I might have pointed out have already been picked up by other people, so I won't repeat them. The very first paragraph started out kind of slow, but the pace picked up. You did put in some info-dumping (My family does the same thing as her mother with grocery bags, but is that necessary to the plot? if not, I'd get rid of it.)
Anyway, I was intrigued by the end however. What happens next? Must read more...
~GryphonFledgling
Okay...I'm here to review.
I. NITPICKS
I think "being scanned" contradicts itself. It sounds...funny...like something a Southern person would say...xD "Isn't it sad that make fun of my own people? Also...hmm...your beginning is a bit weak. You start out describing the grocery store in two short sentences and then jump into the perspective of your character.
This is a big info-dump. I know you like to describe your characters, but when you do you have to get it to flow with story. An info-dump actively breaks up the action of a story..description doesn't. You should edit this.
Also, about her college and the basement that's telling! You have to show us these facts not tell us. Maybe she'll have an argument with her mom or something and she says, "Go to your room!" and Satu can say, "I don't have a room I live in the damned basement remember?" Haha...but maybe not as aggressively.
Once again this is dumping. If you were writing in first-person you could get away with this, but you're writing in third.
II. SHOWING VS. TELLING
That's the biggest thing I can possibly tell in this piece. You don't a lot of telling. You tell us where she lives, why she lives, you tell us what her mother likes, etc. But you don't show us. Think of it this way.
"I gave her a red muffin. She pushed it away; Sarah doesn't like red muffins. They remind her of blood."
"I picked up the muffin and slowly peeled away the sheet and shook it from my fingers into the swiveling trash bin. Sarah smiled at me as I broke the muffin in small pieces with my fingers and placed a piece into her small hand. She stared at it and reeled back, repulsed.
"No, no, blood! Blood!" she screeched as she slammed her fists against the table - effectively crushing the muffins and dying her hands a murky red.
Hahaha...that was a weird story. I thought of that while I was talking to you on the phone! xD Anyways...so yeah. The second piece is showing more. I was trying to convey that Sarah doesn't like red muffins because they remind her of blood. The second one despite it being showing actually shows more into Sarah's character. It shows how she actually reacts rather than how the protagonist's just tells us how she reacts. You see what I mean?
III. OVERALL IMPRESSION
I thought this was a pretty good beginning. You didn't immediately thrust your character in a fantasy setting which is good; it allows us to see how effectively a fantasy twist will change her life.
So, yes, a rather good piece! Just needs some editting.
Thankyou for the review! I've tried to edit and expain some, and I'll be thinking about how to change that even more efficiently!
To be quite honest, I think you have a great idea here. The writing is also good, but the one thing that bugged me was that the opening part set up a great idea, and then it suddenly seemed to halt. I don't quite know how to describe it, but I guess I was kind of expecting there to be more to it.
I know it's just the prologue, so that's probably not really an issue, other than that it didn't quite pull me in. Yeah, it was good enough that I finished the prologue, and I did enjoy that part, but it doesn't quite leave me wondering what happens next.
What might help (I think this was probably the main issue) is being more specific in the part where she's deciding that faerie tales can be plausible. You said:
I think it might pull the reader into the next part a little more if you maybe said how they didn't seem as far-fetched. Which faerie tales? What names could be switched? What made it seem real? Etc. Etc. Etc.
Other than that, I think you do have a great idea, and I'm very curious about how the fact that faerie tales can be real is going to tie into the story.
Keep up the good work!
-Sorceress
Thankyou! Everyone! I've done my best to edit it in the ways I saw fit! I'm eagerly awaiting more reviews! ^^
i really liked this...my only problem is that the "article" didn't really sound like an article. I work at a newspaper, and I don't think any editor would allow a writer to print that article. It's too short and it sounds more like the intro to a research paper rather than a piece of news. if you spruce that up a bit, it'll be great.
You say you want grammatical help? That's what I'll give you, then.
There are two problems with this sentence: 1) That should be "marble-tiled." 2) You can't just say "grocery." Groceries are what you buy... I think you mean to say "grocery store," or something like that.I think that should be "wove."
I think it would be better to say "a tabloid," just because you haven't already "introduced" the tabloid.
The period should go inside the quotes.
This seems a little random -- try going a bit more in-depth with this idea. Give something to back up this opinion. I don't read tabloids, but I don't think this part was very realistic (like the rest was).
I think the first part would go better as "Fairy tales are blindly known for their childlike innocence, and for the "Happily Ever After" endings." But if you don't make that change, remember to put the comma inside the quotation marks. ^_~
Again, you need to elaborate a bit more -- how does telling stories around fires make it so that there are only bloodstained words to remember?
This is really small, but that quotation mark is going the wrong way.
You should delete ONE OR THE OTHER of the bold sections.
That should be "had" so that you don't switch tenses on us.
I don't like the repetition of "bedroom" in this sentence. Maybe try rewording to: "She slept in her mother's basement, because the only other bedroom in the house was the master bedroom." As least I could get rid of one of them.
I think you mean to say "...where HER feet stuck..."
Elaborate more here! Also, "far-fetched" should be hyphenated, like I did it.
__________________________________
1. Did it catch your attention? Yep--very well.
2. How is the character development going, however short It's quite good. I feel like at parts, it was a bit forced (like when you talk about the mother liking to use grocery bags for the garbage) but overall, very good job with that!
3. Other thoughts. You don't really describe anything. You don't need to go crazy with poetic imagery, but I would like to know a bit more about how the settings look, smell, feel (temperature) and even taste, if possible.
About the tabloid:
1. It should be italic.
2. You need to go into more detail with it. I don't actually read tabloids (so if what I'm saying is a load of bunk, feel free to ignore it) but I feel like the article was more like what you would see on the back of a novel than what you'd read in a magazine/newspaper/etc. It seems more like the author is giving an opinion that anything else. Try backing up each of the points more, and fleshing out the article as a whole.
3. You did very well with changing your writing style from the narrative to the article. I noticed the switch immediately.
PM me if you have questions/comments about my critique!
I hope this helps somewhat.
~Azila~
I'm VERY sorry for bumping this, I'm hoping for some more grammatical reviews (as well as overall) but mostly grammatical.
Thankyou! I'll be looking into that >_> . Just gotta figure out HOW to do so.
"Many state that these words make the story..." You may want to reword this sentence in the begining. "Many state" just doesn't feel right to me and distracts me from the rest of the sentence.
Thankyou! Don't forget to look for grammer mistakes! They're very helpful X3
I will answer your questions!
1. Did it catch your attention? Very much so! I don't show it alot but I really do like fairy tales and I always wondered how they could be twisted around... This is a grat beginning to a wonderful idea!
2. How is the character development going, however short? WEll, we haven't seen too much...but I do see a bit. I think it's pretty good.
3. Other thoughts: Overall, I really like it! DEFINATLY continue this. I really can't wait to read more!
This was very well written. Now to answer your questions:
1. Did it catch my attention? It was ok... I think you could make it a bit more interesting. Marvelous story idea though.
2. Character development. Hmmm.... pretty good. I would like to know more about her personality though.
3. Other thoughts. Well, I couldn't find anything wrong with the puncuation or grammer. Very good description.
I would like to see where this is going, PM me if you post more!
-Sometimes-
By what you think I mean: 1. Did it catch your attention?
2. How is the character development going, however short
3. Other thoughts.
THANKYOU AGAIN AND SORRY FOR BUMPING!