Galatea

Excellent piece. The rhyme really works here, except in a few places. But I'll get to that... "Breathing roams through me no more." -The syntax of this line is screwy, ...

When I wake up in the morning You’re right beside me, You awake when I awake (Interesting choice here. I don't like it, heh. You might try "You're awake when ...

Icaruss- Rude. Just plain rude. This forum is for thoughtful, constructive criticism. Not irritating sarcasm and getting your jerk on. MADD- You have an excellent feel for rhyme and rhythm, ...

You create a lovely image here, but I would encourage you, just as an exerciese, to rewrite it without the rhythm and rhyme. Why, you ask? I feel very strongly ...

Excellent beginning! You have something really strong in the works here. Two things: First, I was confused about which two holes you are referencing. I'm assuming you mean the mouth ...

Good work. I totally thought this was about sex, and here is why: 'death' is an Elizabethan pun on 'orgasm'. I think it would be wonderful to leave the ambiguity ...

I was shooting for making her feel guilty What a wonderful friend you are. Personally, I don't go for anti-abortion scare tactics, but hey, to each their own. As a ...

You must understand, I work at a daycare and one of our boys (aged 10), told one of our other boys to "Shut the f*ck up" on the playground. When ...

Being in night, all this is but a dream, Too flattering-sweet to be substantial. My darling, if you are going to quote the Bard, at least get it right. That ...

Okay! It's a nice, rough start. But here are the things I want you to think about on the second draft, okay? What is wrong with the mother, and does ...

Hmm. Interesting. I, personally, and very fond of a scattered rhyme scheme. However! Be aware (I'm sure you are, so now I'm just reminding) that when you break a line ...

It is a little heavy on the 'I' point-of-view. I would try to find simple rewordings to include the narrator's presence without revealing the narrator too much. Brad, if you ...

Wow, I got all choked up. Not much will do that to me, you know. There are some really beautiful moments here. I'm going to print it, then review it, ...

I suggest a title change... There are No Children Here is the name of a (very very good) book, which was turned into a film in 1993.

In case we haven't read our bibles...God is quite often a god of vengence. In fact, a great deal of what God does is vengeful. Killing all the first born ...