Young Writers Society

It is a little heavy on the 'I' point-of-view. I would try to find simple rewordings to include the narrator's presence without revealing the narrator too much.

Brad, if you are going to crit a poem, at least do it in a manner the rest of us can understand. The scholarly language only goes so far, dear. It doesn't come across as intellegent, it comes across as pretentious. In its current form, your critique doesn't have much of a chance of reaching the author. You may have to rewrite it in a manner that is inviting, or perhaps friendly. Keep working at it, though. None of us have achieved a perfect critique yet, nor are we likely to.

Cicero,


I’m not sure what to suggest with regards to this poem. It has two distinct problems.

(1) The narrator can’t remove her/himself from the proceedings for even an instant to allow the reader to interpret the scene through her/his lens. I’d call this poem too self-aware. Look at the numerous times you reassert the “I” (or some variation thereof) – it’s extremely overbearing and off-putting to this reader anyway.

(2) The poem is overwritten from multiple vantages. You have extremely prosaic language operating under the auspice of appearing / sounding important; as you might imagine, the opposite occurs. You also have plenty of abstraction: beauty, loneliness, warrior memories, etc. And there are some very dull descriptions (blue sky, mind spins, hands itch) and some expected descriptions that the reader might expect considering the quasi-Native American context (“This is the land of my ancestors and so I feel a strange kinship to it.”). I’m not saying you’re approaching this as a Native American; however, I do believe the poem has some characteristics of such an approach, and the characteristics are expected and not new.

You should cut S1 immediately – that sort of poetic posturing does nothing to advance the poem and fails as an attempt to make the N seemed learned. In S2, you need to liven the language, offer the reader some fresh imagery, and cut back on the excess prose and abstraction. Yeah, that sounds like I’m suggesting a total rewrite and, frankly, I am. In its current form, this poem doesn’t have much of a chance of succeeding.

I don’t mean to be overly harsh, but the poem’s flaws outweigh any relevant (and genuine) emotion / sentiment you wish to express. Keep reading and writing though – none of us have got this poetry thing down yet.


All the best,
Brad

Hey this was really good,
Keep writing.

Thanks Fand! That's actually a compliment I get a lot - that my poems are like reading paintings.

Gorgeous - the imagery was so vibrant it really fulfilled the promise made by your title. It was like reading a painting, if that makes any sense at all. I particularly liked the likening of the Sahara to a "streak of saffron-indigo." Perfect.

Magic - thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Prosi - Yes, I wrote it. I would not have posted it if I hadn't written it. Also, what do you mean by rime scheme? It's not supposed to rime (the immense beauty of free verse)... so do you mean rhythm instead?

uh... it was very very good, but I have a question. Did you write it? If so, very good.
I liked the feeling it got across and I like how you wrote it, though I think that there could have been a better rhyme scheme in it. Overall, wonderful poem. Keep writing. ^_~

This was really good, I liked the way you explained how you cannot comment on things you've never seen and instead appreciate what you have.

Nice piece!