Published November 26, 2007
Two strong, moist hands pull you near
Taking your waist and leaning you back
Eyes study your curves like they study a map
While searching the dark, it’s only you and I here
Loose, dark brown hair is swept to the side
Our ragged breathes are slow and in time
With your heart beat in tune with mine
We cling to what we had before the love died
So faint are your pleads to loosen the knot
From blue lips so cold, the blood has stopped
Roughly, it teases your creamy, smooth neck
Hot breath on your skin turns to cold sweat
To let go of you, I haven’t yet found the will
Our love was so strong, it would only lead to the kill
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,434 Reviews
I love this! Very intense and...passionate! Of course, I'm not good at critiquing poetry, but I liked it. Keep writing! DR
Good work.
I totally thought this was about sex, and here is why: 'death' is an Elizabethan pun on 'orgasm'. I think it would be wonderful to leave the ambiguity there. Did he kill her? Or did he 'kill' her?
Some of the syntax is clunky, especially towards the end. The last line needs...something. Maybe rewording? I dunno. Just...something.
Keep writing!
Haha okay thanks for clarifying it =]
Thanks! =]
I went back and edited the sonnet based off of your comment. I kinda wanted to show the voice killing the woman he loves. (Morbid, I know.)
Intense! I like it =]
One thing I don't understand are the blue lips so cold.
Everything is hot but their lips?
Haha if there is an obvious answer to my question I'm going to feel stupid.