Published August 28, 2006
This is a product of my boredom, and also it could be used for an English thing. So yeah, crit please.
Open curtain. BED IN CENTRE STAGE, A WOMEN ASLEEP IN IT. AN ARMCHAIR BESIDE THE BED.
GIRL IS AT STAGE LEFT.
GIRL (TO AUDIENCE)
I‘ve learnt to hate people. Everyone last one of them . They walk up to me, all sympathetic and false smiles. Taking only one look at me and saying “Oh, it must be hell.” How do they know? How can you judge a lifetime in a single glance? But it isn’t hell, it’s just how we’ve learnt to live.
THE WOMAN BEHIND HER MOANS SUDDENLY. THE GIRL TURNS SUDDENLY AND RUNS TO THE BED. ONCE SHE ARRIVES THE MOANING STOPS. THE GIRL LOOKS BACK T THE AUDIENCE.
GIRL
Hell is where dead people go, and I know that we’re dead. I’ve heard people say it. They feel sorry for me and my brother. They say that I’m dead inside, that I can’t be happy. But what’s happiness? And what’s this life everybody’s so fond of? It’s just the stressful part before death.
BOY ENTERS WITH A SHOPPING BAG. GIRL WALKS OVER TO HIM.
BOY
Was she alright?
GIRL
Still sleeping like a baby.
THE GIRL TAKES THE SHOPPING BACK OFFSTAGE FOR A MOMENT. THE BOY TAKES ONE CHAIR
BOY(SHOUTING OFF STAGE)
Do you think she needs changing?
GIRL (RETURNING)
Maybe, but lets wait until later.
THE GIRL SITS AT THE CHAIR NEXT TO HIM.
THERE’S SILENCE BETWEEN THEM. NOBODY KNOWING WHAT TO SAY.
GIRL
Did you…did you see any-
BOY
There’s no need to make up conversations for me.
GIRL
I’m not. Come on, it’s good to talk. So, how was the shops?
BOY
Busy. Mrs. Dawes asked how we were coping
GIRL(SUDDENLY AGITATED)
I hate it when they do that.
BOY
She gave us a free tin of soup.
GIRL (disgusted)
Take it back
BOY
I can’t! She was only being nice.
GIRL
I don’t want everyone feeling sorry for us. . We’re coping, aren’t we? All healthy, all…breathing.
BOY NODS GRUDGINGLY.
BOY
She’s probably just trying to raise our spirits.
GIRL
Our spirits are fine as they are.
BOY (quickly)
Are they?
GIRL GIVES HIM A GLARE.
GIRL
Yes. They are. Everything is okay. And we don’t need pity from the whole world, alright?
MUM SUDDENLY STARTS SCREAMING. GIRL AND BOY GET UP AND GO TO HER.
GIRL (TO BOY)
Get me some of her pills.
BOY runs off stage.
GIRL SITS ON THE BED, AND STROKES HER MOTHERS HAIR.
GIRL
That’s right. It’s going to be okay, that’s right. Yes, everything’s okay. We’re getting your pills. There, it’s all going to get better.
THE GIRL LEAVES HER MOTHER AND COMES FORWARD ON THE STAGE.
GIRL
I know, it’s not an ideal life. But It’s the only life we’ve ever known, and you can’t argue with the cards of fate. I don’t want to be pitied, or be a walking charity box. People should leave us alone.
It isn’t hell. It’s just how we live.
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,999 Reviews
Hey!!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This is the first time I am reviewing a script, so I might not be as good. Bear with me.
Okay so this script has a lot of potential. I mean potential in the sense, that the basic idea behind it is solid and good - two siblings trying to adjust with their mother's sickness. However, I feel like the delivery of this idea isn't as great as it could be. First of all, I have never really seen a character speaking directly to the audience. Or even if they do, the transition between her role in the play and her dialogue to the audience was to hurried. It almost felt like she was jumping back and forth between the two. I would suggest you to work on that.
Also, I felt like the play in itself was a little too rushed. We do not have any background on the characters. For example, exactly what is the sickness? We cannot connect with the characters and sympathize with them unless we actually have an idea of what they are going through.
Some other grammatical mistakes:
We are talking in plural here, so 'was' will become 'were'.
The full stop is missing.
Like I said, this script has great potential. If you edit it and make it into something a little longer and with more background, I feel it can be beautiful. In case you feel stuck, here is a really great article on how to write a play.
Have a great day!
Are you writing this just to get points? Huh... Get a life, kaolin. Please.
)
As to the script, I think its good (sry for the bare term, but I'm not good at writing critiques for scripts
Galatea got it all, hehe.
what the hell....pun
i don't get it...
im an idoit...
yup...
hum...
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dot dot dot
Okay! It's a nice, rough start. But here are the things I want you to think about on the second draft, okay?
What is wrong with the mother, and does the audience need to know? It's obviously a recent development, so be sure not to leave the audience in the dark.
Do you really want the girl to break the fourth wall right off the bat? It makes the audience uncomfortable to have a character they know nothing about address them directly. Be careful.
If I were you, I would take the middle dialouges--outside of GIRL's narration--and work that into a longer, stronger script. Then, include in some way the concepts in GIRL's narration into the tale without having her speak to the audience. Now, it's more work, but you'll have a better script in the end.
Cheers! Keep it up!