Fand

Skye stole my comments before I could even think of them. :lol: The second, third, and fourth lines aren't half bad--so why bookend them with a mundane beginning and a ...

*shrugs apathetically* I'm afraid to say that the only thing I thought while reading this was, "God, I wish I hadn't chosen this one as the first critique of the ...

Dark shatters along with the silence; Fragments of the dream I'd had flash in front of my eyes, And wishing I can remember exactly what it had been about. I ...

Hm. Well, I really liked the beginning, but the direction you took this poem left me thinking, "...Why?" It just seemed a little overdramatic and felt rather like an empty ...

Navel-gazing. Your poem is a prime example of this--and no, it's not a good thing. Poetry needs to have the following things among others (or at least consideration of the ...

Hello, nothingface. I see you're a new member. Here's something you might want to remember while you're around the forums: Don't double-post! It's bad etiquette. Sort of like putting your ...

You spoke too soon. ;) Leave it to Sir Fand to deliver the well-deserved punctuation rebuke. Admittedly, the rest of your poem is solid, if not stellar--nothing to write home ...

The best line, I think, is the last; as AlleyCat says, it's visual and repulsive--and in its repulsiveness lies its attractiveness. For the rest of it: the linebreaks are a ...

She was wearing a gingham dress The passivity of that statement really detracts from the powerful imagery you have. I'd suggest changing "was wearing" to "wore." The stripes of white ...

Awww, Liz! *huggles* I won't comment on the content now; wait until I can catch up with you on MSN instead, da? But as to the prose itself--you've got a ...

O.O Rather angry. This felt too much like a personal rant than poetry, and the imagery, while typically vibrant, was too scattered and haphazard for my tastes. I did, however, ...

I would keep it rated R, actually. Something so disturbing deserves the rating. I mean, the event was disturbing--the story was good. Maybe it's me being an overly emotional New ...

I agree with Euclidean. Allusions aren't used to say, "Hey! Look at me! I know what's going on!" They should be subtler. Give the reader some credit and make us ...

Touch-- This, bliss of tactile trust; I can see that with the comma after "this," you're trying to bring that word emphasis--the problem is, it's a very ambiguous word, and ...

At the risk of sounding repetitive--I agree. ^~ There's definitely a place in poetry for telling, but the trick is balancing it out with the showing. Your rhymes are easygoing ...