Touch--
This, bliss of tactile trust;
Ignorance in a dusty bottle labeled Kirin.
Drink away your nothing,
Become nothing.
Better than foolish wisdom.
Words are meaningless without power and
those who shield it carry swords of lead, but
empty satisfaction is weightless.
No regret or acid disappointment
when life is a drink away, and
dreams are a step from unconsciousness.
No troubles of goals or higher inspiration,
waking up to bitter coffee and cold tea,
doused with laxatives and Corona; and
maybe a touch of doubt.
Some day is the today, ‘cause
with a sweaty filler in one balmy hand and
yesterday’s memories—
nothingness is sometimes best.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
thanks to you all, and sorry for not responding back for a while.
Isis, I love your new name
cashing in a crit ticket under another guise. Sorry it took so long to get back to this, Eva!
I can see that with the comma after "this," you're trying to bring that word emphasis--the problem is, it's a very ambiguous word, and the comma comes so soon after the dash that it basically stops the tongue in its tracks. Bad idea. In poetry, you want to keep it rolling with some sort of rhythm, not continuously trip over punctuation. Remove the comma and this is actually an incredibly nice little phrase; I'm ambivalent as to "Touch--" getting its own line, but that's the poet's prerogative, ja? ^~
This feels a little incomplete as its own sentence. Perhaps add a dash afterward, so it continues on into the next line? That seems like the best solution to me.
In the first line, "the" really destroys the flow. Remove it, please! The rest of this stanza is quite lovely. This is a fantastically bitter piece, and it seems to wallow in its own misery; it really comes alive in that way. Brava. =)
Oy, I feel bad for this, but I have to say I can't exactly think of anything to say. I'm going to have to come back and reread this some other time and really pick it apart. My brain seems to have a current lack to read poetry xD
your punctuation here is real weird.but I do have this to say:
If I don't come back in a few days, and I probably won't because I forget lots of things, you can PM me. ^_^