you daont see the tears i cry,
and i dont understand your lies,
anymore than you love me!
and on those hungry days
i think of your evil ways,
much, much more than you love me!
all of the rejection,
unconcious projection
and hurt put on to me!
oh father, oh father
you loved me never,
never there for me!
i'll no longer be an accesory ,
i'll take myself out of my misery,
one day this poem you'll see.
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I'd have to disagree. If you can justify any of those things, it's fine. (Personally, I hate capital letters; they throw off the symmetry of the sentence.)
I'm not going to get into the whole thing about "navel gazing" and "emo poetry," since that seems to have been covered. Instead, I'm going to focus on rhyme schemes. (Keep in mind that I'm a free-verse poet and can't rhyme to save my own life.) I never got the whole A/B/C thing, it just ... confuses me. However, your rhyme scheme is forced, leading to some awkward phrases like "loved me never" and "one day this poem you'll see."
(For the record, I used to do the same thing. Eventually, I gave up on rhyming entirely.)
I agree with everyone else to the largest extent ^_~
When writing a poem with emotions in it you need to keep your reader in mind. You're writing directly to the person who has hurt you, and so, not to the reader. You're excluding your reader, your audience and as much as some people would like to believe, if poetry is written to be read, it is also written for your audience. Keep in mind what they might feel while reading this, for me, it wasn't a whole lot of anything. try to express your feelings through solid words, and use good word choice. Like Colly said, read more poetry! That will help you to see and understand the best way to express emotions in poetry.
I hope this helped!
*agrees with Fand* I would also like to add on to what Bloo said about the rhyme scheme...technically, "me" and "me" are not rhymes, they are, in fact, the same word.
Also, do you think that with four me!'s you might be forgetting your reader a bit? I won't delve into a long rant about navel-gazing and emo poetry, but I will give the always-popular piece of advice: Read poetry. Lots and lots of good poetry.
Also, follow the rules before you break them...this means, use proper punctuation, grammar, and capitalization.
Father and never are not rhymes, because the first syllable, not the last, is accented in both of them.
Hi nothingface and welcome to the site! I'm afraid that I'm pretty much a new member as well, but maybe we can commiserate together?
I won't touch on what Fand said as I would be merely repeating, but I agree absolutely with what she said.
In the poem, you've used an interesting rhyming structure that went along like this:
A
A
B
A
A
B
C
C
B
D
D
B
E
E
B
When rhyming though, you need to consider some things. First of all, rhyming "cry" with "lies" doesn't really work. To make it work, "cry" would have to be "cries."
Second, the second stanza has the same rhyming structure as the first stanza (AAB). You need to either keep AAB throughout the entire poem, or switch it every stanza (AAB, CCB, DDB, etc). Otherwise it ends up sounding broken.
However, I did very much like how you ended each stanza with, "me!" and then switched it at the end. Nicely done.
On the whole, I liked it. Just needs polishing!
Hello, nothingface. I see you're a new member. Here's something you might want to remember while you're around the forums:
Don't double-post! It's bad etiquette. Sort of like putting your elbows all over the table and slurping your soup and sticking a tongue laden with food out at others. Eurgh!
So how do you fix your mistake? Look at the post you want to fix. In the very top-right corner, you'll see a few light buttons, such as "Quote" and "Edit." It's Edit you want to choose. Click it, and it takes you right back to your entry; you can change what you want to change, save it, and not spit in anyone else's salad. ^~ Handy little feature--I know I use it a lot.
Now, on to the poem!
Aside from the fact that you misspelled "don't," you also left out the apostrophe. It's a contraction, so there should be an apostrophe between the "n" and the "t." Also, the poem in the second line of S2 isn't necessary.
In S5: "accessory," and you should delete the extra space before the comma in the first line.
As to the poem itself: I'm all for breaking poetic conventions, so as long as you can tell me why you decided not to capitalize "i" anywhere, I won't mention it again. (NB: A good reason does not include any variant of "I like the way it looks," "other poets have done it," or "it just feels right.") The content, though--that's something that needs quite a bit of work. This is a prime example of navel-gazing in poetry; it doesn't make much sense to anyone who didn't write it (or, I'm assuming, doesn't know you personally), and therefore it leaves little impression. You've made an attempt at a specific style, and that's to be commended, but I'd really recommend that you keep reading poetry--the more the better!--before seriously trying to write anything. For a twelve-year-old, this isn't half bad--but you don't want to write like a twelve-year-old forever. Especially not when you turn thirteen.
Best of luck, NF, and let me know via PM if there's anything more specific I can help you with.
oh i made a mistake, in the first line, its meant to be dont