Published August 11, 2007
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141,477 Literary Works • 674,501 Reviews
Kudos to you Kayleigh, on a job well done, given that you've managed to convey a scene so well despite never having been there; Sydney girl that you are.
I shall see you on Monday lol.
I would keep it rated R, actually. Something so disturbing deserves the rating. I mean, the event was disturbing--the story was good. Maybe it's me being an overly emotional New York City girl--but this actually made me cry, and I got sick to my stomach. That was such a horrible, horrible day... and yes, it was beautiful. Sky as clear as ever.
I agree with the shock of the 9/11 aspect; I thought it was an earthquake too! The prose itself could use a little strengthening--you seem to depend an awful lot on adjectives and adverbs, and at times the characters seemed to get confused with one another (as only a few had distinctive identities), but on the whole it was very well-written.
Wow. This really got to me.
Okay, so, when I reached this point, I was like--what? I, the reader, was so caught up in the dialogue that I no longer had any idea where the speakers were anymore. I was still picturing them out on the sidewalk. That is something you must address. You did give us earlier
but this is not enough. You need to direct the action, not leave your readers hanging. Describe the lobby, the people, that Abby and Sarah had to talk louder to hear each other over the click of heels and other noise. Do what you did in the beginning because that first paragraph was good.
Please kill this adverb! "Winked" is good by itself.
When the bathroom was shaking, I, like Snoink, thought it was somewhere in CA. I didn't see the 9/11 part coming at all, which was good because it was a shock.
All in all, I think this was well written ( save for cheekily)
Nice job.
Eep. This was weird.
I had no idea it was going to turn out the way it did, because you said "the city" and automatically that brought forth the image of San Francisco -- I am quite a California girl. And then, when the building shook, I was sure that it was an earthquake. But I quite like the fact that you didn't make it known thatt his was New York until the end, because it seemed much more crazy.
The beginning was really the only thing I didn't like. I understand that you wanted to make it as normal as possible, but in the first paragraph, you switched from past tense to present tense, and that irked me just a little bit.
Also, the writing was very old-fashioned -- it reminded me of Katherine Manfield's "Bliss." Except, it wasn't quite like that and sometimes there would be a colloquial phrase from our time that would shatter the effect. And, unlike "Bliss," though it describes the character interactions, your story doesn't talk about the environment very much, which is a shame. Take some time to describe the environment in the beginning. You can do this easily, I think. Instead of the present tense where Abby is saying that she liked the city, you can easily describe the environment in a warm way that shows off Abby's love of the city.
And describe the weather. I heard it was beautiful that day.
Also, I wouldn't consider this R, because although it is intense, it does not deal with sex or have violent language. So I'm going to rate it PG-13 for you.
Anyway, good luck. Scary stuff...