-KayJuran-

Lol, I was going to mention lack of commas.. :wink: I dream what we’ll go out for coffee sometime ^ Isn't 'what' supposed to be 'that'? That could just be ...

Lots of spelling/gramatical errors, but these can be fixed. I'd suggest perhaps adding a little more description as well as a bit more background info so as not to confuse ...

Aaaghhh! No, you can't do this to me! I want to know what happened. Why'd the guy shoot himself in the head?! It doesn't make any sense!! You've gotta post ...

Funny thing, but I'm not sure I've ever read any of your stories before.. All in all, I thought this was well-written, but I've been good and found things to ...

I too am a christian and want to write something for God, but so far haven't known what to put. This is well-written, and really speaks of the glory of ...

Wow, this is briliant! Sure, there are a few spelling mistakes / typos, but they can be fixed. I like the style of writing that you've used - I know ...

hmmm, well you did say you wanted us to tear it apart... sorry if it seems a lot, but i hope it does help. :wink: right, on we go! :) ...

only thing i can say that hasn't been said already is that sometimes the dialogue doesn't seem very realistic. only in some places though. I am going to open the ...

sorry i wasn't paying much attention to looking for things i can crit 'cause i was too busy trying to find out what was about to happen next.. He had ...

i noticed you've got more spacing between each paragraph with this one. great thing to do 'cause it makes it easier to read. stringy brown hair ^ i'd probably say ...

The only other thing I feel that needs to be critiqued is when the other girl comes in and says “what would you know of it!…you’ve lived here for quite ...

It's as if shes known me forever ^ should be she's i.e. with an apostrophe. I'd never of forgotton that smile on her face ^ should be 'have' and not ...

you're prophecy ^ correct me if i'm wrong but i have a feeling you meant to put 'your' and not 'you're'. you need to get this right or it'll end ...

few points on grammar: he must of just not seen it. ^ he must have just not seen it. what's a kid doing laying in the grass by himself?" ^ ...

Him and Tim had been been practicing for 3 hours now i think it's supposed to be 'he and Tim'. might be wrong though... hmm. i like the story so ...