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Prologue

by Keowyn


*I was very extremely bored in Study Hall. I never NEVER write in Study Hall. That's like a rule. But today I did because there was nothing to do worthy of my sorry, short attention span. Also because I am almost always too lazy to copy it on here- heh heh. So here it is.

"Stop."

The word echoed and reverberated against windowless and cold walls, and the small iron door at the east end of the shabby old cell. It was such a silly word to say at the time, as it appeared that the only being in the cell was Gobri, who had uttered the word in the first place. She just stood there, listening until the sound faded away and all was still. Then, finally, she began walking towards the iron door, her bare, bloodied feet making no sound against the cold stone floor.

Gobri's hand shook, and she reached out to touch the door, her small frame shivering. She jerked her hand back suddenly as her skin touched the freezing metal. The girl sank down to the ground slowly, rumpling the beautiful silk gown she wore as she sobbed quietly.

But the dress was not pretty now; it was worn and old, grime and soot clinging to the tattered excuse for clothing. Being no longer pretty was also the case for Gobri herself. A long, thin scar lay on a high cheekbone, right underneath her right eye. Her grey eyes peered out hauntingly from under dull, straight brown hair. It reminded her of mouse fur. Gobri's skin was pale from lack of sunlight, and she could be mistaken as a walking skeleton.

Sighing, Gobri walked over to a plain table in the southern corner of the cell. A chipped and cracked plate that had been placed there recently by her gaurd lay on the table's splintered surface, bearing a measly hunk of hard bread and a cup of filthy, stinking water.

"It's not fit for pig slop," she said bitterly. Gobri spat viciously and growled. The light from her lantern began to fade and she could tell night was growing near.

The lantern was, perhaps, the only puzzling thing in Gobri's horrid dungeon. It flickered on when day appeared and flickered off went night came. And though the light was dim, it always seemed to wake Gobri as if she was staring straight into the sun. But the light was hardly there and not nearly bright enough to wake one, but Gobri never failed to wake with the lantern's light. She called it sorcery, but didn't quite know what caused the lantern's strange behaviour.

At last the light ebbed put completely, leaving Gobri in total darknes. Shadows loomed up everywhere, but she shrugged them away. The shadows did not terrify her as they once did, and soon her eyelids drooped and her breathing evened as Gobri drifted into another night of dreamless sleep.

The door banged open. Gobri struggled into a sitting position, aroused by the noise. Yet, the light from the torches outside blinded her furiously. Someone began to wail- and they were being dragged into the cell. A girl, Gobri could clearly see. She looked away as the door shut. The wailing continued, and a scaping noise was heard at the door. Dutifully Gobri rose and walked to the door, and sat beside the desperate girl.

"'Tis no use, girl," Gobri said bluntly. Although she could not see this girl, she could hear her breathing loudly. The girl whipped her head around quite fiercly and searched for Gobri.

"What would you know of it?" she hissed. "You've lived here for quite a while- most of your life, probably. and your life is gone. But I-I still have one."

"Yes," Gobri said slowly. "And even now your outside life is fleeing you, girl."

"I dohave a name," the girl snapped. Ah, she was still trying to be hostile and fearless, but her voice was wavering. "'Tis Mileag."

Gobri sighed wearily. "Names mean nothing here, girl," she said, ending the cheerles conversation abruptly.

*How's it? I mean it's ok I think. Also does her name sound better as (GUHB-ri) or (GO-bri) or (guh-BREE) because I can't decide. Thx lol!*

*ƒ~Keowyn~ƒ*

:D


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Fri Feb 17, 2006 10:20 am
Swires says...



Some writers prefer the pen though because it allows them a few more seconds to select the right words and descriptions before they right, CHris Paolini (Author of Eragon, Eldest) Loves writing by hand much better than on a PC.

However for speed and easiness to check a PC always comes number one, I never really write using pens anymore, but ym ytping si culmys! LOL!




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Fri Feb 17, 2006 12:10 am
Keowyn says...



i use two packets of pens a day most times, and it's annoying i admit because i'm left handed and it smudges all the ink .




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Thu Feb 16, 2006 11:58 pm
-KayJuran- says...



pens are annoying - somehow i always end up with ink all over my hands after school... :S




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Thu Feb 16, 2006 11:54 pm
Keowyn says...



well i have to say i use a pen alot at school, because i have two study halls and nothing to do!




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Thu Feb 16, 2006 11:26 pm
-KayJuran- says...



i'm glad i can type fairly well 'cause i almost NEVER write stuff up using a pen except for editing notes and when i don't have my laptop with me. it's great if you can learn to touchtype as it means you tend to have less typing errors to fix. ;)




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Thu Feb 16, 2006 10:50 pm
Keowyn says...



thanks, i am new to typing and just finished the shcool calss so they are indeed typing typos. thanks again!




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Thu Feb 16, 2006 10:44 pm
-KayJuran- wrote a review...



Nicole Lynn wrote:The only other thing I feel that needs to be critiqued is when the other girl comes in and says “what would you know of it!…you’ve lived here for quite a while…” Gobri would know exactly what she was talking about, especially if she spent most of her life there. Oh and gray is spelt g- r- a- y not g- r- e- y .Grey is only used in the spelling of a last name. Sorry it’s one of my major pet peeves. Good job! -NL


sorry but i'm going to have to start by quoting this comment. 'gray' is the american spelling of the originally english word 'grey' so if this was spelled with an 'e' then it wasn't wrong.


now on to the actual story...

i have to say i love some of the descriptions and images you've put into this although i did think the second version was a little better. didn't find many mistakes, and the ones i did find were probably only typos but i'll post them for you anyway.

Keowyn wrote:placed there recently by her gaurd


^ this is spelled 'guard' i'm sure this is only a typing mistake though and not a spelling one.

Keowyn wrote: But the light was hardly there and not nearly bright enough to wake one, but Gobri never failed to wake with the lantern's light.


^ this makes sense and all, i'm just not so keen on having more than one 'but' in a sentence.

Keowyn wrote:At last the light ebbed put completely


^ another typo - should be 'out' i think and not 'put'


aside from these though, i thought the plot, the character etc were really well-thought out. i'd like to read more if there is any. i get the feeling i'd get to really like this character as she seems like she's fighting back even in a situation where most people would become withdrawn and depressed; she's a fighter and a survivor which i like.

keep up the good work!


~KayJuran~



EDIT: oops almost forgot to say that i'd pronounce her name GO-bree




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Thu Feb 16, 2006 9:39 pm
Keowyn says...



thanks you guys.
Aha, but the scar plays a GREAT role in this. :twisted:
and it sort of ties in with what happens later in the story. I did post chapter one SOMEWERE. . .




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Thu Feb 16, 2006 1:39 am
Kaggsy wrote a review...



I'd say that you should pronounce it GO-bri. It sounds sort of like the person she is turning out to be. Mainly in here, I found a few cliches. I agree with Adam, the prologue is pretty much pointless probably unless that is something from the past or something taking place in another area. Otherwise, I'd call it Chapter 1. The other cliche I found was the scar. There seem to be scars popping up everywhere "brave battlewounds". If it isn't a key part of the story, I might just take it out. I'm anxious for more, this looks like it's off to a good start.




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Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:09 pm
Swires wrote a review...



First of all is there any need for a prologue, id just call it "chapter 1" all this prologue nonsense just seems pointless, writers these days only seem to be including proglogues because it looks good, in my opinion.

Yes I feel that she is being a tad too rebellious, I would have her a bit weak, striving on only the thought of a fresh breath of air and warm light on her face.

Overall a pleasing piece. Well done.




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Tue Feb 07, 2006 7:26 pm
*Twilight* wrote a review...



Well with this being a prolouge I don't really know anything other than she is in a cell she has been there for a long time and she just got a roommate. Maybe you can include some hint of what she might do. Such as escape or something like that so everybody will know whats going on.




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Tue Feb 07, 2006 1:23 am
Keowyn says...



*Well I added a bit and fixed some spelling mistakes- all in all I think this version is better and more explanatory. Chapter One up soon!*




"Stop."
The word echoed and reverberated against windowless and cold walls, and the small iron door at the east end of the shabby old cell. It was such a silly word to say at the time, as it appeared that the only being in the cell was Gobri, who had uttered the word in the first place. She just stood there, listening until the sound faded away and all was still. Then, finally, she began walking toward the iron door, her bare, bloodied feet making no sound against the cold stone floor.
Gobri's hand shook, and she reached out to touch the door, her small frame shivering. She jerked her hand back suddenly as her skin touched the freezing metal. The girl sank down to the ground slowly, rumpling the beautiful silk gown she wore as she sobbed quietly.
But the dress was not pretty now; it was worn and old, grime and soot clinging to the tattered excuse for clothing. Being no longer pretty was also the case for Gobri herself. Her skin was pale from lack of sunlight, and she could be mistaken as a walking skeleton. A long, deep scar lay on a high cheekbone, right underneath her right eye. It was a wound she carried proudly- though the years in prison had made her forget why. Her grey eyes peered out hauntingly from under dull, straight brown hair clumped together with blood, sweat, and other unpleasant grimes; but still carried wisdom and an air of dignity still. Sighing, Gobri walked over to a plain table in the southern corner of the cell. A chipped and cracked plate that had been placed there recently by her gaurd lay on the table's splintered surface, bearing a measly hunk of hard bread and a cup of filthy, stinking water.
"It's not fit for pig slop," she said bitterly, but took a bite of the bread anyway. The bread offered little nutrition, but anything was better than starving- it was not an honorable way to die, and neither was dehydration. Gobri spat viciously and growled. The light from her lantern began to fade and she could tell night was growing near.
The lantern was, perhaps, the only puzzling thing in Gobri's horrid dungeon. It flickered on when day appeared and flickered off went night came. And though the light was dim, it always seemed to wake Gobri as if she was staring straight into the sun. But the light was hardly there and not nearly bright enough to wake one, but Gobri never failed to wake with the lantern's light. She called it sorcery, but didn't quite know what caused the lantern's strange behaviour.
At last the light ebbed put completely, leaving Gobri in total darkness. Shadows loomed up everywhere, but she shrugged them away. The shadows did not terrify her as they once did, and soon her eyelids drooped and her breathing evened as Gobri drifted into another night of dreamless sleep.
The door banged open. Gobri struggled into a sitting position, aroused by the noise. Yet, the light from the torches outside blinded her furiously. Someone began to wail- and they were being dragged into the cell. A girl, Gobri could clearly see. She looked away as the door shut. The wailing continued, and a scraping noise was heard at the door. Dutifully Gobri rose and walked to the door, and sat beside the desperate girl.
"'Tis no use, girl, to try to escape," Gobri said bluntly. Although she could not see this girl, she could hear her breathing loudly, probably still thinking of escape- which was not possible. The girl whipped her head around quite fiercely and searched for Gobri.
"What would you know of it?" she hissed. "You've lived here for quite a while- most of your life, probably. And your life is gone. But I-I still have one."
"Yes," Gobri said slowly. "And even now your outside life is fleeing you, girl."
"I do have a name," the girl snapped. Ah, she was still trying to be hostile and fearless, but her voice was wavering. "'Tis Mileag."
Gobri sighed wearily. "Names mean nothing here, girl," she said, ending the cheerless conversation abruptly.




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Tue Feb 07, 2006 1:08 am
Keowyn says...



Thanks for all the suggestions! I will definately continue this, because unlike my other works it actually has a plot and an outline- I tend to get a bit lazy ad most of what I write is simply ideas- anyways, I think I'll post the improved version here tomorrow, so keep watch!

~ƒ*Keowyn*ƒ~




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Tue Feb 07, 2006 12:46 am
Nicole Lynn wrote a review...



Well done! This is very intriguing which means you must continue it, of course. I have a few suggestions, as I always do- after that’s we’re all here for isn’t it. Anyway, the first thing that sticks out is that the paragraphs are not spaced twice. Which isn’t really that important, but it helps a lot of us read better.

The only other thing I feel that needs to be critiqued is when the other girl comes in and says “what would you know of it!…you’ve lived here for quite a while…” Gobri would know exactly what she was talking about, especially if she spent most of her life there. Oh and gray is spelt g- r- a- y not g- r- e- y .Grey is only used in the spelling of a last name. Sorry it’s one of my major pet peeves. Good job! -NL

Oh and about her name I was saying GORE BE to myself, so don't ask me about it. :wink:




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Mon Feb 06, 2006 11:47 pm
Joeducktape says...



Very good! Kept me interesting. Definitely continue this. I especially like that you remind me of my own writing!

Wait. I take that back. I shan't insult you.




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Mon Feb 06, 2006 11:01 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Interesting. :)

I'm not going to go over grammar errors (there weren't many) but I will say this about your spelling: darkness and other forms of wordness have two s's at the end. 'Kay?

And now! The part you've been waiting for... the story!

First of all, it was pretty decent. The description described something bare and extremely uninviting. Isn't it strange how you have to describe to show how bare a place is? But I digress. Gobri wasn't quite happy at her conditions, but she seemed (most of the time) to be in character. However, I think you have something here. You just need to describe it a little more. And mind you, you've done a wonderful job at description already, and I applaud you for it. But I, being the nit-picky editor, want to see more good stuff! :)

A long, thin scar lay on a high cheekbone, right underneath her right eye. Her grey eyes peered out hauntingly from under dull, straight brown hair. It reminded her of mouse fur. Gobri's skin was pale from lack of sunlight, and she could be mistaken as a walking skeleton.


Long thin scar indicates a light scratch. I know... it could it have been a deep one when it appeared beneath her eye, but for now, it begs the question. By describing it first, you're saying, "Pity my reader because she has a scar." Furthermore, you go on, giving the exact location of the scar, making it seem like it's a rare thing for her to be hurt. That ends up making your description a little less than powerful. Long thin scars are generally not noticeable, which gives the feeling that her face is otherwise smooth and pretty.

Continuing on, your next description is about her grey eyes. Though the idea of grey eyes looking back is rather haunting, at the same time, it's perfectly normal. She can't help her eye color.

Your next description is her dull, straight, brown hair. That also isn't particularly useful description. Many girls have dull, straight, brown hair. Mouse-brown hair, as many authors who write about girls with self esteem issues, call it. Is this a story about a girl who lacks self esteem? Maybe. Now, if I were to say "her dull straight hair was clumped together with a particularly unappetizing mixture of grease and grime" then you would start to feel as if Gobri has had a terrible time.

The next sentence is the most important one. It tells us several things. Gobri is being starved to death in a prison.

Now, the other descriptions are interesting, but you should start with the last one and exaggerate the other sentences, sort of what I did with the hair. Right now, you want us readers to feel that Gobri's life is currently the lowest you can go.

Moving on! :)

I think that Gobri was being too rebellious. How long has she gone without food or water? Why would she feel anger. Fatigue, frustration I can imagine, but to be angry that her water is dirty and her food is hard -- why, if she was really that desperate, she wouldn't care. Her grumpiness of her living situations shows us something important; it shows us that she once was treated like a princess, or at least similiarly. But still... she's overacting there.

Check out the dialogue carefully: your grammar and spelling is off quite a bit.

I've been thinking it as Go-BREE, but I think that's a strong sounding name, and you might want to make it softer.





What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
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