Thanks for the review... I actually have changed the story and it's edited a lot more then what's on there... but It's pretty much the same thing. but yeah thanks!
OK Can you people literally tear this story apart. It's probably not the best ever but I just need opinions on it. I want every thing you think I should change, and more than "This is great!" please! I'll post the first chapter and if you guys like it then I'll post the second chapter... OK? ok! lol How here's my untitled story!:
-------------------------------------------------
Chapter One
Welcome to Beowulf Manor
Erin Skye and Kara Lynn Kingsely had been in the black four door car for the past two hours. Erin looked outside the car window at the trees painted red, orange and yellow.
“Remind me again why we're going to our grandfather's,” Erin said, turning her head to Mrs. Coleman who was in the front seat.
Mrs. Coleman adjusted her rear-view mirror so she could see Erin's eyes, “Your grandfather has been kind enough to let you two stay at his house. That poor old man he has no clue what he’s getting himself into.” Mrs. Coleman was a social worker and her job was to find homes for Erin and Kara Lynn. Her hair was turning grey, and she was starting to form wrinkles but when she was younger she must have looked beautiful. Erin and Kara Lynn shared a mischievous look. They loved practical jokes. And their favorite subjects – their current guardian.
“You should be very grateful to him; taking you two in when he doesn't have to.” Mrs. Coleman said, “Now stop complaining, we're almost there.” She took the car around a long curve.
“There it is,” Mrs. Coleman said five minutes later, as they pulled up to a old house, surrounded by a ten foot tall iron gate. It had an old tower with one window that was shut. It's peeling paint and foggy yard made it look like a haunted house - all it needed was boarded up windows.
“You've got to be kidding ” Kara Lynn said, it was the first time she had spoken all day.
“Nope, this is where you’re going to be living.” Mrs. Coleman said, driving through the open gate and up a hill to the house. She parked the car by the three other cars in the dirt drive way. Mrs. Coleman got out of the car and went around to the trunk.
“Come on Kara. Maybe it won't be as bad as it looks.” Erin said, trying to be the brave big sister. Even though she hadn’t planned to spend what was left of her summer and the rest of her life in a house that looked like it was haunted.
“I hope.” Kara whispered to herself as she followed Erin out of the car. Mrs. Coleman gave Erin and Kara their backpacks before knocking on the front door.
“Hello,” said a man in a tux, “you must be Mrs. Coleman.” He said giving a small bow. “I'm Henry, Mr. Beowulf's Butler.”
“Hello Henry.” Mrs. Coleman said, “this is Erin Skye and Kara Lynn Kingsely”
“Please come in.” Henry said moving out of the door frame so they could come in. Erin and Kara Lynn went inside.
“I'm sorry but I don't have time to get the tour of the house, I'm sure
you can take it from here Henry.” Mrs. Coleman said, “Bye Erin. Bye Kara. Call me if you need me.”
“Goodbye Mrs. Coleman,” said Henry, closing the door as Mrs. Coleman walked to her car. Then turning to Erin and Kara Lynn he said, “Shall we start with a tour of the house?”
“Sure,” Erin said speaking for both her and Kara Lynn. The Butler lead them down the hall, “this house has 50 rooms last time they where counted. Today only six of them are occupied, including the two you’re going to be staying in.” Erin and Kara listened as they followed him down the hall. The inside looked nothing like the outside did. It was clean and the paint was new, the lights where dim but you could see fairly well.
“The tower is off limits, if you ever find the stairs. Mrs. O' Mally and Tabby, Mrs. O’ Mally’s daughter, will be cooking and serving your meals.” Henry climbed a set of stairs as he continued talking, “You will meet in the dinner hall at 7am, 11am, and 6pm for your meals. If you want to change anything ask Mrs. O’ Mally or Tabby.”
“I doubt you where informed that your not only sharing this house with your Grandfather but also your cousins as well?” Henry said turning around to face them.
“Mrs. Coleman said nothing about cousins,” Erin answered, looking at Kara Lynn as if saying ‘do you remember anything about any cousins?’, “I didn’t even know we had cousins.”
“Well, they’re right across the hall from you.” Henry said, then he continued down the hall, “You may do what ever you like to your rooms.” Henry said, opening a door, reviling a pink bed room covered in paintings with flowers and a self covered with porcelain dolls surrounded the room. “This will be Kara’s room,” Then leaving the door opened he walked down the hall to the next door, he opened it revealing a room that was a sea foam green, it was plain with only a desk, bed and a door leading into what Erin thought was a bathroom. “This will be your room,” he said looking at Erin. “If you have any messages for your grandfather just write it down in a sealed envelope and give it to Me, Tabby or Mrs. O’ Mally. You
cousins, Mrs. O’ Mally and Tabby can answer any other questions you may have. Lunch is in five minutes, so you better wash up. And get down there before eleven.”
“Okay,” Erin said.
“If you need anything call Mrs. O’ Mally,” Henry said, then he walked down the hall and out of sight.
“Weird place, huh?” Erin said to Kara Lynn.
“Yeah,” Kara Lynn replied, “do you think we have to get dressed up for lunch?”
“Probably,” Erin replied, “but I’m not going to, jeans and a t-shirt that’s all they’re getting from me today.” Kara laughed. “We better start down there, unless we run into our cousins we’re probably going to get lost.”
“I’ll start making a map tomorrow,” said Kara, who was good at making maps. Every time they moved somewhere Kara would make a map of the place so they wouldn’t get lost or just for fun if the house was to small to get lost in. They started by going back to the main floor, Henry said that the dining room was on the first floor so they’d start there.
The first floor contained three hallways, each with 10 doors. Erin and Kara opened 15 doors before they found the dinning room.
“Erin I found it ” Kara Lynn shouted, when she opened the 8th door. Erin rushed to Kara Lynn’s side, the dinning room was pretty much empty. A long table with about twenty chairs stood in the middle. The walls where covered with paintings. Only two other people where in the room, a boy Erin’s age was playing with a hamster, letting a girl about a year younger than Kara Lynn, pet it every once and a while.
“Hello,” Erin said entering the room, the boy looked familiar but she couldn’t remember where she had seen him. She scanned her memory.
“Bonjor” said the little girl.
“Hello,” said the boy, “I’m Jason Trent, and you are?”
“Erin Skye Kingsley, and this is my little sister Kara Lynn,” She replied.
“This is Elsie, but we all call her Ellie,” Jason said, “She will only speak french,”
“Do you like animals?” asked Kara Lynn.
“Yeah, I have a bunch in my room.” said Jason, “This little guy is Hammie,”
“Cool” said Kara Lynn, she loved animals, well at least one’s that would let her play with them. “Can I go see them?”
“Sure after lunch,” Jason replied. At that moment Mrs. O’ Mally, a large woman in her fifties, entered the room with a plate of sandwiches and a pitcher of ice tea.
************************
“Wow You have lots of animals” Kara said. They had finished there lunch and where in Jason’s room.
“It’s like Noah’s Ark in here,” Erin said, “but smaller.”
“Yeah,” Jason said laughing, “All the money I've ever had always went to buying animals and their food.”
“You must get lot's of money, Noah.” Erin said, Jason looked at Erin, confused for a moment.
“Yeah plus I help out at the pet store in town.” Noah said.
“Cool can we go to the pet store with you some time?” Asked Kara.
“Sure. I'm going down there next weekend.” Noah said.
--------------------------------------------------------
Thanks!! -Stevie
Thanks for the review... I actually have changed the story and it's edited a lot more then what's on there... but It's pretty much the same thing. but yeah thanks!
hmmm, well you did say you wanted us to tear it apart... sorry if it seems a lot, but i hope it does help. 
right, on we go! 
Even though she hadn’t planned to spend what was left of her summer and the rest of her life in a house that looked like it was haunted.
said a man in a tux
Then turning to Erin and Kara Lynn he said
50 rooms last time they where counted
“The tower is off limits, if you ever find the stairs. Mrs. O' Mally and Tabby, Mrs. O’ Mally’s daughter, will be cooking and serving your meals.” Henry climbed a set of stairs as he continued talking, “You will meet in the dinner hall at 7am, 11am, and 6pm for your meals. If you want to change anything ask Mrs. O’ Mally or Tabby.”
“I doubt you where informed that your not only sharing this house with your Grandfather but also your cousins as well?” Henry said turning around to face them.
reviling a pink bed room
give it to Me
jeans and a t-shirt that’s all they’re getting from me today
to small to get lost in
when she opened the 8th door
“This little guy is Hammie,”
well at least one’s that would let her play with them
“Sure after lunch,”
“Wow You have lots of animals” Kara said. They had finished there lunch and where in Jason’s room.
“Cool can we go to the pet store with you some time?”
Noah said.
it just helps when reading. you may need a little bit more description etc, but that can be done when editing so it doesn't matter too much yet.
"but I'm no expert eaither, lol"
No, I wouldn't say so Fishr 
Sorry, but you mispelt that word at the write time, and I just had to show it to you 
The story so far is along the lines of what everyone else is saying, but then, I'm sure it'll pick up. There is that 'blandness' at the moment-I'm sure your main characters aren't mere table salt!-and you could space your work, so I'd have a heart to read on! But just the title 'Beowulf Manor' is intriguing, and I will read on whatsoever you post of it next! (albeit with a little more revising and seasoning).
all the mistakes and grammer problems can be changed but the writing was exelent , the story was ok ...il be honest the plot was cra..bad , you should have wrote something with beetles ,hehehe.
The story gets better, in the next chapter . . . which I'm still deciding if I'm going to post or not . . . and . . . I don't like beetles..all the mistakes and grammer problems can be changed but the writing was exelent , the story was ok ...il be honest the plot was cra..bad , you should have wrote something with beetles ,hehehe.
oh, its just the way you said the names that made it confuzing, ok well i hope it gets explained later, so yea post chapter 2
They don't... Erin is the first name and Skye is her middle name... it plays some part later in the story. Kingsley is there last name.
there are some gramatical errors, but nothing major, pretty cool start, how come the sisters have different last names?
Ok, well first off: slow down! Go into a little more background on the girls. What happened to their parents? How old are they? What do they look like? With more detail there is more of a story- not plot- but more story to keep the reader interested. By diving in head first, as you have done, everything moves too fast- as will anything else you write pertaining to this story.
Start slowly, for example: Erin sat watching the rolling countryside pass by. The weather was dreary- at best. Dark rain clouds polluted the sky, and cold rain sat in beads on the window. Next to her sat a quiet Kara Lynn. She had not spoken all day. She never did when they were going to a new home.
Then you can bring in Mrs. Coleman, a little more background on their previous homes, and why they left, etc. I also just added in things that I pictured to be going on outside of the car. Good luck, and I think that you should post the next chapter so that we can all help you define your story more. -N
I agree with Jig. Your story is bland and unappealing at the moment because there is nothing happening; the story is too casual.
Also, the dialogue needs work too. If a writer is good enough, they can portray who's talking without using 'so and so said this" in almost every line. If you look through your story, you've accidentally done this. The characters in your dialogue need to stand out all their own. Think of it this way; if you're on the street, say a park, you can bet not every person talks or sounds the same; some might even have accents because they hail from a different country. I'll take an excerpt from my story to show you what I mean, but I'm no expert eaither, lol. I could be wrong, but if you notice he example, I think its fairly understandable when the 'father' and son are speaking. Also, notice I separate the lines? It does help wonders for readers to read your story better. Remember your job as a writer is to hook 'em . Notice I don't have the two characters saying 'said' in every paragraph.
"You would not want your dear Father to be executed for treason, would you?
I shook my head, "Of course not. I did not know, Father. I thought you were born in Boston? You don't sound British, though. Your accent has disappeared."
"It is there, but it is minuscule; small by your standards. I left Britain when I was a boy."
"Are you a loyalist, Father?"
"I am nothing of the sort! I may be born overseas, but I never adhered to the likings of King Tyrant."
My first thought the people living already in the manor would be snooty, haha. I guess that's my own portrayal of rich people.
You wrote “Yeah,” Jason said laughing, “All the money I've ever had always [b]went[/b] to buying animals and their food.”
Went should be goes Also theyshuold be exited to stay in a house like that, most kidds wuold.
Theres more but at the moment i am too tired. I would say it's mediocre work and that you could do better. I you posted more i wuold read it though, because animals are catching.
It's going to be fantasy in future chapters, and there is a point to her going to the manor. Just the plot and the point don't show up until later chapters.
You need spaces between all the dialogue. It looks like one unbroken piece of text, which isnt pretty.
Also, whats the point/plot m'dear? Dont get me wrong, its nicely done and very well written for a 14yr old, but there's nothing engaging. Im sorry if this seems brutal, but its the truth.
You need a plot!! I cant even see why its in the Fantasy section.
Is the house going to be haunted?? If so, you have to give some sign of that to hook the reader.
Thats all i have to say.
~Jiggy
120,203 Literary Works • 649,067 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 20
Donate