Published May 24, 2017
Darkness. Everything absorbed by this eternal black. I felt myself drifting away, slowly. I heard nothing, I saw nothing, I felt... nothing. I Tried to think of what happened, but the thoughts vanished as soon as they had come. I started to forget everything yet the emotions that accompanied those memories stayed. Pain, anger, regret... Those were the last things I could remember, before falling into this slumber of darkness. Yet I didn't care, I felt as if I had given up, that there was no point in struggling anymore. They say that in the darkest of moments, light shines the brightest. But what does that even mean?
Then one thought passed by, a name. It was gone before I realized it but I knew that it was of great importance to me. It made me feel something, regret most of all.
I feel as if I have lost something very important, but what?
One by one my thoughts disappeared and in the end only one thought remained. I refused to let it go, it was a promise I made, and I was determined to keep it.
In the distance I saw a light. A feeling of hope started burning inside of me as I started walking towards it. I reached out towards the light, everything turned white as the darkness was repelled...
Wake up. Come, find me...
I opened my eyes. I couldn't see anything for it was too dark. I was lying on the ground, somewhere. I tried standing up which turned out to be harder than I thought. My entire body hurt.
What... Where am I? Am I...? No, it can't be.
Thoughts came flooding into my head which caused a burst of pain. I fell to my knees. Then, nothing, I felt empty.
"It's a promise..."
I remembered those words, they gave me strength. I had to keep that promise no matter what. But what did I promise?
A feeling of powerlessness overtook me. But now was not the time to give up. I need to figure out where I am.
I slowly walked whilst feeling the wall next to me. In the distance I saw a light. I ran towards it as fast as my body allowed me to. When I got close I realized it was a torch hanging on the wall. Disappointed, I took the torch and ventured further into the hallway. Now I could at least see my surroundings. It appeared that I was in some kind of labyrinth or dungeon. What is this place? Why am I here?
A sound coming from somewhere inside the dungeon startled me. It was hard to determine where the sound had come from. Whatever it was, it sure as hell wasn't human. I continued onward with caution.
It seemed as if I had been walking for hours yet no sign of an exit. Hall upon hall with the occasional crossroads. This place had more of a maze than an actual structure. Whoever built this did it for a reason.
That same sound again, like a ferocious roar, only this time a lot closer. I started running. Could there be a monster in this place. If so, I got to find this exit quick.
I entered a small room with at the end a big door. it was inlaid with different kind of gems in a variety of colours. The door was slightly ajar. I was about to open it when I saw something in the corner of my eye. I looked behind me and saw a shadow move by. It was like the shadows in this place had a will of their own. The shadow stopped in the opening leading to the hall, blocking my path. It rose up from the ground revealing a dark creature with sharp claws and no face. It came closer to me twitching heavily. I tried to open the door behind me but it was stuck. There was no escape. Could this really be the end? Dying in a place like this, not knowing the truth?I rose up my arms to protect me as the shadow leaped at me.
A bright light blinded me. When I opened my eyes the shadow was gone, instead another creature was standing in front of me. A dog-like creature with a distinctive purple colour patterning. It was about the height of my thighs. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. It stared at me with its purple eyes like it was expecting me to do something. I raised my hand and padded its head. For a moment our thoughts were one. It took me by surprise and frightened me. I fell backwards.
Then out of nowhere a male voice resonated in my head, "Greetings, my name is Zyra."
I was dumbfounded. This creature appeared out of nowhere and then just starts talking to me. This situation couldn't get any weirder.
"You, talk," I mumbled as I stood up.
"Why yes, what do you think I am, stupid?" it replied.
I rubbed my forehead. I had to think this through.
"I'm sorry. I just woke up in this mess having no idea where I am or why, then you just show up and start talking to me as if it's the most normal thing in the world. I've just not had any experiences with easily offended talking animals."
Zyra tilted his head. "Are you done with the sarcasm?"
"Is it that obvious? I'm just not in the mood for jokes right now, sorry." I said.
Zyra turned around and started walking back the way I had come from.
"We should go, it's not safe in here." He said.
I jumped up, "Wh... Wait, where are we and what was that thing? What... are you?"
He abruptly stopped and turned his head, "WHAT AM I? Why you insolent... We don't have time for this. I'll answer your questions once we're out of here."
A dark mist started pouring from the slightly opened door.
"We got to go now!" He said more panicked.
***
We were walking at a steady pace. Zyra was leading me through the halls, apparently he knew his way around here. What is he doing here? Does he live here?
We were walking for some time now and I couldn't take it anymore.
"What was that... that mist?" I asked eventually.
"An evil the likes of which you've never seen. That's why we have to leave this place asap."
"And this place? What is it's purpose?" I continued.
He got annoyed, "It was build to seal away said evil, but now the seal has broken."
Despite his annoyance I kept asking, "And so what are you, the guardian of this place?"
He sighed, "In some way I guess you could say that, yes."
We kept walking for what felt like an eternity. The darkness ever so pressing, the air filling my lungs like a foul suffocating poison. My body was completely numb, even the pain was gone. In front of me Zyra kept walking, unfazed by it all.
"Zyra?"
He stopped.
"What is it now? Can't you see I'm trying to get us out of here!" He sounded very frustrated, but even more so anxious. "What's so important that it can't wait?"
"I...I'm sorry. I just wanted to thank you, for saving me earlier."
"Saving you?" He said confused.
"Yea, from that shadow creature back at the door." I said less confidently.
His expression changed, "I don't recall seeing any penumbra before finding you."
I tilted my head, "penumbra...?"
My question remained unanswered as a cold wind blew from behind me. Zyra's eyes widened
I turned around. "what-"
He cut me off, "Quiet."
It was quiet for a few moments as Zyra was muttering something to himself.
Then he yelled, "Run!"
wait wha...?
"Run, NOW!"
I peered into the dark hallway and saw a storm of shadows coming our way. When I turned back Zyra had already gone up ahead. I tried to catch up with him. "Thanks for waiting." I said.
He didn't reply. The shadows got closer and closer as the halls got more and more narrow. We were making turns left and right, passed room after room. Danger getting closer by the second. Finally I saw a light in the distance. As we drew near I could smell fresh air. I threw my torch behind me hoping to slow down the nearing darkness. I gave it my all.
...
I was blinded by a bright light as the wind blew in my face. I looked back. The shadows had stopped by the entrance and burned when touched by sunlight.
I sighed, "We're safe, at last."
Then I turned to Zyra. "Now, the answers..."
End of chapter
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,553 Reviews
Hey there! MJ stopping by to knock out a quick review for Team Kenobi
I'm hoping to get 5 done today, 3 of which will hopefully be on this chapter. Here are some of my suggestions and thoughts to do whatever you please with it 
Here's a spot where you ask one question and then answer a different one. You began with asking "Where?" but then answered "What?" It's a simple fix and not a super important detail, but it should still be addressed if you want to make this the best it could be.So firstly, I thought I'd mention that you had one particular spot where you often erred regarding commas, and that was when you had an independent clause, dependent clause. For example:
"I went to the grocery store for I needed groceries."
It should be "I went to the grocery store , for I needed groceries
On to the meat of the story and the pros and cons of the actual story. The beginning was really well done, although it seemed fairly cliche. I would add in your own separate twist just because it's all too common to see a promising mystery that begins the same way yours did. However, the way you delivered it was written well enough that I could overlook the cliches.
There were also some sections where there were just a bunch of small mistakes that I'm sure you would catch if you went over it once with a red pen. Here's an example:
The first three sentences weren't very well written- the first one was a fragment and then the other two were very simple and choppy sentences. One or two here and there are okay, but it could be easily resolved if you made a few adjustments- for example, "I heard that same vicious roar again, this time closer. I started running, terrified that there might be a monster in this labyrinth. Somewhere deep inside, I knew that I needed to find a way out of this horrendous maze before whatever it was caught me."
And finally, I thought the entire dialogue didn't cement the characters in our minds the way that you would want it to as an introduction because of the shakiness of their personalities. They both switched between casual flippance and tense anger, something that I thought was a little bit rushed and didn't solidify their dispositions.
But overall, I loved the idea behind this and the slight faults here could be adjusted pretty easily. I look forward to reading the rest of the series and shooting some more reviews your way
Best wishes,
MJ
Thoughts
Upon reading the first paragraph, I imagined a guy sitting in a dank, dark cell who was residing into his own mind because of some sort of pain that was being inflicted upon him. I thought that as well becauase of how he was talking about how light shone in the darkest of moments. As the story progressed, I found this to be pretty much true. Upon Zyra's entrance it began to intrigue me due to the character's unnatural appearence. I also, noticed, that before Zyra's entrance the approaching shadow wasn't all that scary to the reader. You kind of went through the motions, provided the details certainly, but didn't take us into the character's fear. Like how his heart raced or beat against his ribcage or how his eyes dilated in panic and he tried to scramble away. Try to take the reader into the scene more.
Now...
"It looked like a cat, dog?"
It seems like the speaker is questioning the reader instead of telling us what it looks like. Try this: "It looked like some sort of strange, humanoid, cat-dog like creature."
"Wait, you can talk?"
Personally I found this to be a bit cliche. The creature already talked in his mind and you said previously before he was just talking and than the main character questions it again redundantly. I think you could make it a statement instead but its a suggestion so you don't need to follow it. I was thinking: "You can talk..." said (main character) dumbfoundedly. Or som
This was a really great beginning. There were a few grammar mistakes that I noticed, such as sentence fragments and capitalization errors, but nothing too bad. I love how you introduced a few new concepts and unfamiliar phrases at the start, so people get the idea that it's a separate world. I love fantasies and mysteries, so I think this is a good start to a novel.
The only advice I have is to be careful of sentence fragments. I saw quite a few that could be corrected easily by combining sentences. Splitting them up makes it sound a little robotic. It's not that big of an issue, but fixing them would definitely help the flow of the story.
That's all I have!
-MarianaChristena
Hey! Nice story. I do have a few comments to make though.
The beginning is good, keeps you interested. It makes you wonder why the character is in so much pain. By the way, is the character a boy or girl? The emotion displayed by the first few paragraphs led me to believe it was a girl, but it was never specified. The beginning also makes you wonder what the promise is. Very good way to start.
A few of your sentences lack cohesion and structure. There are a few grammar errors and missing words that make it a little difficult to read.
Also, the dialogue sounds kind of awkward and unnatural. If I was suddenly approached by a strange creature that I knew nothing about, no matter how polite or heroic he was, I would be much more suspicious and apprehensive. It just kind of sounds odd. I'm not exactly sure to put all my thoughts into word, so please forgive me for my brain issues.
Thanks for letting me read this prologue! I hope I'll be able to read the rest of the story. Good luck and stay awesome!
Thank you for your review, I guess I never really though about the fact his gender is never mentioned. For me it was always obvious. I'll put it in the description of the story so it's clear from the start.