Light and Darkness, eternally intertwined with one another. One can sometimes overpower the other however neither can be fully destroyed.
A summer breeze blew through my hair as the sun was shining in my face. I looked back at the entrance, it was pitch black. The entrance was covered by a small hill, the rest of it was completely underground. Opposite to the entrance was a forest with big lush trees. A beautiful forest indeed.
* * *
"Let's go then!" Zyra said.
"Wow wow, wait. First I want answers." I complained. "What is that place? why was I there? why were you there? What the hell were those things? What even are you? What...what..."
"All in due time. This is neither the place nor the time. We can talk when we are gone from this place" He replied.
"But-" I started
"I understand your confusion but unless you want those Shadows to come after us I suggest we go now and talk later."
I sighed, "Why are you helping me?"
Zyra remained silent and I started to question his motives. What did I really know about him and what does he gain from all of this?
"I just so happened to find you while investigating the cause of the growing darkness." He eventually said.
"Growing darkness..." I muttered, but Zyra had already started walking.
"Later..." Was all he said
And thus we walked, into the forest.
* * *
We walked for an hour in silence. The sun slowly sank behind the horizon, warping shadows through the forest creating a beautiful, yet unsettling scenery. I started to feel uneasy.
We walked for a while longer until we finally stopped when the sun was completely gone and it started to get dark.
"Let's rest here." Zyra said.
I sat down by a tree. Even though the sun was gone it was still pretty warm.
Zyra looked up to me, "ok."
"ok what?" I asked.
"Ask me whatever you want"
I didn't know where to start, there were so many things I wanted to know.
He spoke "Nothing? What do you know already?"
I tried to reach down into my memory, but nothing came to mind. My memory was like a blank slate, as though a dark fog in my head prevented me from seeing my past.
"I, I can't remember anything. What's happening?!" I started to stress.
"No memories, nothing? I guess I'll explain the basics then. This is the Kingdom of Argaeia, ruled by Eregor the Great. Does that ring a bell?"
"No..." I said.
"Hmmm, Maybe a bit of history will stir some memories?
I said nothing and kept looking down.
"Well, this land used to be divided and overrun by darkness. Darkness born from hate, greed, blind ambition. But a brave hero was able to repel the darkness and save the world."
"Nothing..." I whispered.
There was a short silence. But Zyra had peaked my curiosity.
"What happened to him?" I asked.
"Hm? Oh, He was consumed by darkness." He replied sadly.
"Consumed by darkness?"
He didn't respond. What does it mean to be consumed be darkness...
Again this silence. I felt as though he was keeping things from me. How did he know all of this stuff anyway?
He tried again, "Anything you remember about your family, the ones that raised you, your loved ones?"
Seeing the look on my face was enough for him to understand the severity of the situation.
Some time went by. I was trying to organize my thoughts, take it all in. None of it made sense to me. Why did I forget all of this in the first place?
"What about those, those monsters? " I asked after a while. "You mentioned the name penumbra before."
"Yes, they're the ones we encountered in the labyrinth. They're pretty pathetic but find their strength in numbers. Moving up from them there are antumbra, you can look at them as the officers of the dark forces. Lastly there are the Umbra."
"What about them?" I asked.
Zyra paused before he spoke, "Let's just say that you don't want to get to know them better."
"But wait, some things don't add up. If the darkness was repelled Then why were those penumbra there, and what about this 'growing darkness'?"
"Very sharp of you." He replied. "Yes the Darkness was repelled yet, just like Light, it can never be fully destroyed. The world is composed of light and darkness, one cannot exist without the other. Now don't get me wrong, darkness is not necessarily evil. Something is causing darkness to go rampant and threaten the light. I don't know much about it but what I do know is that the source lies within the depths of that labyrinth."
"But then we have to do something about it!" I said.
"And what do you expect to do about it? You're dead the moment you enter that labyrinth."
"No, our best bet is get away from here. We'll see what we'll do afterwards." And with that Zyra put his head down and closed his eyes. "Now let's sleep, we leave early tomorrow."
"But I have so many more questions to-" I tried. He started snoring loudly.
"Wh... why are you snoring telepathically to me?" I asked.
He answered "To let you know I'm going to sleep and not answer more of your silly questions."
I was dumbfounded but accepted that there was nothing I could do and went to sleep myself.
* * *
I was floating in nothingness. drifting peacefully. All of a sudden a voice in the distance. I recognized it. It was a girl's. It was very distant but clearly there.
"Hello?" I tried but there was no response
Then I saw her, barely visible. I tried to move, but could not move my feet. I tried to reach out, but darkness got hold of my arm, pulling me away. Pulling me... down. I tried to scream, I tried to struggle. I tried... Please believe me, I tried, I really did...Don't go...Don't leave...
the darkness completely engulfed me.
* * *
I woke up, sweating. That girl, who is she?
Moonlight was shining through the trees. Sinister shadows looming above me. Zyra was sleeping peacefully. I was about to lay down again when I spotted movement by a nearby bush. I sat there silently. Are my eyes playing tricks on me?
Looking at the ground I realized something was definitely wrong. The shadows... It was impossible for them to be pointing the same direction as the moon. A chill went over my spine at the realization of the uncanny truth. I tried waking up Zyra but it was already too late. As one they rose up and launched them upon me.
That bright light again. But instead of killing the Penumbra, a spear appeared in my hand.
What, what is this?
Without thinking I pierced forward, breaking their formation. In the mean time Zyra had woken, looking at me with unbelief. I knew what I had to do.
I took on a battle stance and readied myself for the upcoming fight. I looked at the penumbra surrounding me, there must've been 5 or so. I lashed out, and again, and again. Jump left, stab, backwards dash, parry, spin around, slash...
They all disappeared after one or two hits. It all felt natural to me. My body guided every move. I felt truly alive. Until...
More of them appeared. An entire horde of penumbra was charging my way. There was no hope for me here. I looked at Zyra, he saw the same.
"Just run!" He yelled.
Running, running again. Is this all I do? When will this end?
A cliff, dropping hundreds of meters deep. I turned around, tightening the grip on my spear.
"What now?" I looked at Zyra. "Any bright ideas?"
He replied, "You take that pointy stick and stab them with until they die. How's that for an idea?"
"And you complain about my sarcasm?" I said while laughing uncomfortably.
The first wave came in. I tried fending them of as best I could. However I couldn't prevent getting a few scratches here and there. Right after the first wave was cleared, the second one came in. Wave after wave, pushing me closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
After countless waves my legs gave in and I fell to my knees. I was at the end of my strength. This is it then...
Awaiting the final blow a warm glow came rising from behind me. When I opened my eyes all the penumbra were gone, banished by the light of dawn. I let out a sigh of relief. Just as I was about to stand up, the ground beneath me gave in and I fell. Everything went to black again
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Hi, zeroZyra! Pan here to boil up a review for you.
Interesting premise! I like the dynamic between the characters, and amnesiac protagonists are always mysterious. Generally speaking, you hold back on enough information to capture the reader's interest; I'm confused, but it's a good kind of confused. Plus, all of the exposition you do include is by way of dialogue, which is a good way to do it. I like the short, snippety scenes, too - it feels nice and light to read.
My favourite scene is definitely the end one. There's something incredibly cool about the idea of waking up and realising that the shadows aren't pointing the way they should.
Your grammar and spelling is decent on the whole, but there are some issues with the dialogue that I'll need to point out. I'm going to make this a three point review, where I suggest three areas for improvement. Here we go:
1) Punctuation in dialogue
Reading your piece, I spotted a lot of little errors in the dialogue. For example:
The rules of dialogue are an arbitrary mess, but it's important to grasp them to add professionalism to your writing. Here are two rules to remember:
1) In the reporting clause (e.g. 'he said'/'she said'/'they said'), the pronoun should never have a capital letter. If you see 'He said' or anything similar, it's incorrect. This applies even after dialogue that ends in an exclamation or question mark. Examples to illustrate:
"I'll have some tea," she said.
"I want some tea!" she said.
"Can I have some tea?" she said.
Always lowercase, no matter the punctuation within the dialogue.
2) In a similar vein, dialogue shouldn't be closed with a full stop if it is followed by a reporting clause. Instead, it should be closed with a comma. Examples:
Incorrect: "I'll have some tea." she said.
Correct: "I'll have some tea," she said.
The only circumstances in which full stops can be used to close speech is if said speech is not followed by a reporting clause. So this would be okay:
"I'll have some tea."
It's a picky little rule system and it takes a while to get to grips with, but it will become automatic if you persevere. If you need any more information about it, you can check out this excellent topic about punctuation in dialogue.
2) Ellipsis
Everyone has a writing tick. Mine is overuse of sentence fragments and dashes. Yours appears to be overuse of ellipsis. I just did a check, and you actually use '...' thirty times during this chapter, which is quite excessive, and it means that the impact of it is lessened. You tend to use it as an all-purpose bit of punctuation rather than where it is appropriate. For example:
Ellipsis suggests to me that the dialogue is tailing off, not being cut short. And I gathered from the context that she's being interrupted here? If you want to convey interruption, you'd be better off using a dash, e.g.:
"But-" I started.
You also seem to use it to convey pausing, despite the fact that a comma would do the same job. You have a habit of ending sentences with it, as well, and the effect is to make the prose feel a bit drifty and loose. I'd advise on cutting down on them.
3) Exposition
As I said, you're generally quite good at holding back on information and keeping exposition to a minimum. However, the middle passage in which Zyra explains the hierarchy of the creatures comes dangerously close to feeling like it only exists to shoehorn in some backstory and lore. Be careful that the MC's amnesia doesn't just become an excuse to explain everything. The dialogue still needs to feel organic and real.
If it were me, I wouldn't have the conversation in the woods go on for as long as it does, and I'd give it a purpose outside of simply serving to fill the reader in on the backstory of the world. However, this is only advisory. It is your call.
Hope this review wasn't too harsh. Aside from these points, I think it's a very strong opening with a lot of potential and promise. I'll be on the lookout for future chapters.
Hope this helped!
Keep writing!
~Pan
This actually helps a lot though. I didn't now about the those grammar issues, they were never thought at my school. As for the conversation, that has always been one of my greatest problems.
I'll take what you said to heart.
Hi there
Nice story line. The ending is good and great.
"Just run!" He yelled.
Running, running again. Is this all I do? When will this end?
A cliff... dropping hundreds of meters deep. I turned around, tightening the grip on my spear.
"What now?" I looked at Zyra. "Any bright ideas?"
He replied, "You take that pointy stick and stab them with until they die. How's that for an idea?"
"And you complain about my sarcasm?" I said while laughing uncomfortably.
The first wave came in. I tried fending them of as best I could. However I couldn't prevent getting a few scratches here and there. Right after the first wave was cleared, the second one came in. Wave after wave, pushing me closer and closer to the edge of the cliff." I thought this is the end but again the next para changed my mind.
"Awaiting the final blow a warm glow came rising from behind me. When I opened my eyes all the penumbra were gone, banished by the light of dawn. I let out a sigh of relief. Just as I was about to stand up, the ground beneath me gave in and I fell. Everything went to black again. " I realised this is just the beginning and it makes a huge difference. She thought she won the game but she was wrong. I love the way you portrayed her cheerful enthusiastic strong independent sweet innocent lovely beautiful sensitive mostly all the qualities some girls have. Her character is amazing also the touch of mythology added beauty in the story. You must study more mythological and historical and philosophical books this will help you to be more creative with stories like such. Amazing work. Keep writing.
Thank you
I'm really sorry to break all of your dreams, but it's actually a guy...
Someone had already told me that it was really vague but I had no way of naturally bringing up his gender. although it should become clear in the next chapter.
Thank you though for the nice compliments.
Lol sorry!!!