xD not sure if i put this in the right catagory
A sudden crash echoes through the halls,
Resonating from within the four walls, as they became her tomb.
Just a clatter as his angel hit the floor.
He tried, but he just couldn’t open the door.
Called for help all there was to wait,
As the minutes pass they seal her fate.
He heard the sirens change to a funeral march.
We realize his tears will never again be parched.
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139,527 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
THat was really good.
I dont under stand what the line "Just a clatter as his angel hit the floor." has to do with the rest of the poem.
I also noticed that you kept switching from he to she. Is it a boy or a girl?
Otherwise that was good.
Firstly, wow. this was really good. i feel like it got better as it went on because the rhythm was more consistent. i especially love the line....
'As the minutes pass they seal her fate.'
it was well structured and was basically very successful
i think it might be an idea to perhaps change the first bit where it says...
'A sudden crash echoes through the halls,
Resonating from within the four walls, as they became her tomb.'
i think that you should put 'as they became her tomb' on a new line, otherwise it disrupts the flow a bit.
it might be an idea to break the poem down into smaller sections so instead of having one longer one, have 3 or 4.
this might also add effect and make it easier to read
other than this, i think that the basis for the idea was great and u worked really well with it! good work
i hope i have been of some help!!
bisquit
Well it was good.
but-
i think you suld write these lines separately.
otherwise it was great.
I think this was good, very riveting. But i think you should add on to it, make it more of a story than just a scene. More of this would be wonderful, and I want to know the story behind this particular piece. Keep going!
I liked the ryming. The only thing is that I think it coud use more detail. Sorry, that's about all I have to say for this. Also, I not sure if the commas are really needed I don't use them in my poems.
This was pretty good, but it seemed like only a start, not a whole piece. The language is very nice (clatter instead of bang, is good) but I must say that I didn't understand what this was about. Each line seemed disconnected from the next and it was very confusing. The imagery is great, I just can't figure out what it all means. In the lastline, do you mean "dried" instead of "parched". Parched tears sounds like an oxymoron.