THIS POEM WAS INSPIRED BY THE SONG umiyuri kaiteitan, WHICH YOU CAN LISTEN TO HERE:
Tale of the Deep Sea Lily
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My handwriting sucks. also I did not write the kanji because they would be illegible
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140,377 Literary Works • 673,127 Reviews
ENGLISH in English it's generally very similar to the song itself, although it's really not
Wait, understand, it's nothing, so don't laugh at my song. SOS from a walk in the air. I, I, I, I, I am now covered in ash. The bottom of the sea. I had a dream where I swallowed all my breath. I looked up at the sky amidst the fluctuations. My hand was blocked. The traces of the dream, your sobs, can't be exhaled. In the corner of the foamy garden, rippling in the sky where light swims. Behind the letters, between the waves, you just moved away.
matte wakatteyo nani de mo naikara boku no uta o warawanaide kūchū sanpo no SOS boku wa boku wa boku wa kon hai ni mamireteku umi no soko iki o nomihosu yume o mita tada yuragi no naka sora o nagameru boku no te o saegitta yume no ato ga kimi no oetsu ga hakidasenai hōmatsu no niwa no sumi o hikari no oyogu sora ni sazameku moji no okuha no hazama de kimi ga tōnoita dake " nante"
Hey, I know it's a bit of a hassle once you have already written the kanji/hiragana, but it would be great if you could also post the romaji by editing this comment. That way, I can review it (I'm sorry, I am just a weeb who listens to a lot of J-pop and sparsely writes haiku and tanka)
sure i'll work on that np
Hi yuuki!! Hop here with a review! No idea how this is going to be since it's been 5 million years since my true last review.... Anygayss, saw this in the Green Room and decided to give it a read! NOW, since I'm not as talented as you, I shall be reading the English version of it because I'm slow and can't read Kanji or just Japanese in general... Okay, onto the actual review so I stop yapping~~ (P.S. Just my interpretation)
When you say
There is a LOT of imagery added right into the song!!! I can picture 'a walk in the air' somehow... Like genuinely someone walking in air but that might just be my neurodivergence not being completely able to tell if that is a metaphor of some sort... ALSO I ADORE THE PART WHEN YOU SAY 'I, I, I, I, I am now covered in ash.' like AHHHHHHH I CAN TASTE THE ASH WHAT.
Now the next part
AGAIN OHMYGOD your imagery TWINNNN. But aside from that, I love the word choices you used. Instead of just saying 'I swallowed my breath' you added in 'all' and it made it feel more dramatic in my opinion? Also erm the word 'fluctuations' always tickles my funny bones so I like that you use it ESPECIALLY since it made me focus back in (idk about you but when text is super simple for me to read my mind multitasks lolol)
MY. FAVORITE. PART. no cuz the ending just abruptly came and kind of just made me sit there and be like 'woah' iykwim
oki i'm soorrryyy if this was bad i haven't reviewed in a long time and have no willpower to review like literally this took 2 days to write sooooo goodnighttttttttttttt
love,
hop
Lol thank you hop ily <3
Hi! I love that you wrote this in Japanese! I haven't seen that before on YWS. It looks awesome, and although I don't know Japanese so I can't review that aspect, I like the originality! I listened to the song, and it was so cool. I used to listen to some Japanese artists yearrrsss ago and it's cool to see people still enjoy it! I'll have to listen to some more.
You say the poem is close to the song itself, and I love the idea of taking a song and writing it as a poem. The English translation includes allusions to drowning and submersion, which makes me think it might be about working through an experience of loss or grief in which the speaker/singer feels physically overwhelmed and can't communicate it; hence the repetition of 'I'.
Really great work!
Thank you!! 😊