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Young Writers Society


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Heroes of Aldrizhon (Chapter II, III & IV)

by yizhongt


Chapter 2

The market district of the royal capital of Londarium was filled with many different types of shops. From shops selling exotic fruits from far away lands, to shops selling beautiful and colourful fabrics, to shops selling armour and weapons. The market district was perhaps one of the busiest parts of the royal capital during the day. Zander loved to visit the market district to see the various different shops a found in it as well the people who went about their daily business in the district. One shop he liked to visit in particular was a small and quaint little bakery off the main street of the market district. The family that owns the bakery, which Zander had come to know personally, made some of the finest and most delicious pastries that Zander had ever tasted, particularly the croissants. It was so good, that he always made it a point to visit the bakery once a day for them.

Zander walked down one of the more empty streets of the market district with a bag of croissants in his hand. Following him was a female member of the Royal Guard who had been assigned to guard him whenever he left the grounds of the Royal Palace. Her skin was fair and unblemished, and she had long dark brown hair that was tied into a braided ponytail. She, like the other members of the Royal Guard, wore a gold and silver coloured enamelled armour with a gold cloak. The armour she wore fit her athletic physique perfectly. Zander took a big whiff out of the bag’s content. The smell was truly wondrous. His nose was in heaven. Zander let out a sigh of contentment.

“You know you’re addicted to those, right?”

“I’m not addicted to it,” began Zander, looking at the Royal Guard assigned to guard him. “I just like it very much.”

“You get those croissants almost every single day,” pointed out the Royal Guard to the Crown Prince. “I’ve yet to see you go a single week without getting one.”

“Because it’s just too good,” replied Zander.

“That’s addiction, right there.”

Zander let out a laugh that filled the streets. As it was late in the evening, the streets of the market district were no longer filled with people, as many shops had already closed or were closing for the day. They were now empty and quiet. As the two neared the exit of the market district, four figures surrounded appeared out of thin air in a cloud of black smoke and surrounded the two. They were wearing black cloaks as well as a mask which had a long bird’s beak which obscured their identities. Sensing something sinister and amiss, Zander’s Royal Guard unsheathed her rapier.

“Who are you? What do you want?” inquired Zander’s guard, raising her guard.

None of the four mysterious figures replied her. She asked the same questions she asked earlier on, this time, more forceful. None of the four mysterious figures replied her. Instead, they drew their weapons-needle swords, the weapon of choice for an assassin.

“I’ll hold them off,” began Zander’s Royal Guard. “When you see and opening run straight back to the Palace.”

Zander shook his head. “I’m not going to leave you to fight them alone, Emma,” stated Zander, drawing his short sword and placing his bag of croissants on the ground. “I may be Crown Prince, but that does not mean I don’t know how to fight.”

“Prince Zander, please-”

Emma was interrupted, however, when two of the hooded figure charged towards her and Zander. Emma parried the attacks by the two figures with much ease and grace. Neither of them could land a single hit on her. Seeing Emma being preoccupied, the two other figures made their move for the prince. However, they had underestimated Zander’s ability to fight and he had managed to dispatch one of his assailants, which disappeared in a puff of black smoke upon being defeated. Emma had also managed to dispatch one of the mysterious figures who like his compatriot, disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

Seeing that two of their fellow compatriots had been dispatched by Zander and Emma rather easily, the remaining two decided to retreat, disappearing in a cloud of black smoke.

“Who were they?” asked Zander, looking at the spot where the two mysterious figures had disappeared.

“I don’t know,” replied Emma, shaking her head. “But we have to get you back to the Palace and inform your father about this.”

“Agreed,” Zander said, nodding his head. He then turned to the spot where he had put down his bag of croissant, only to see it had been trampled upon during the battle. He let out a huge sigh of disappointment before walking off with Emma back to the Palace.

************************************************************************

Chapter 3

Upon returning to the Royal Palace, Zander and Emma immediately made their way to the throne room to have an audience with King Edmund. The throne room was made out of beautiful and unblemished white-coloured marble. Its walls were lined with tall windows that allowed light to enter the room. Compared to other throne rooms in the world of Aldrizhon, the throne of the Kingdom of Britarion was simple and did not contain any unnecessary decorations. The only decoration the throne room had were banners of the royal house with its lion, unicorn and dragon sigil on it which hung on the walls adjacent to the throne.

“So you don’t know who were responsible for the attack?” asked King Edmund who was sitting on his throne. Flanking him were two male members of the Royal Guard. One was perhaps in his early thirties, where else the other one was perhaps in his early sixties. Felix was also present.

“No, Your Highness,” replied Emma, shaking her head. Zander stood next to Emma as his father questioned her on the events that had just transpired not too long ago. “They all vanished in a cloud of black smoke before I could question them. Even the ones Zander and I had defeated.”

Edmund let out an audible sigh before getting up from his throne and began pacing around it. Zander knew from his father’s action that he was in deep thought and that something troubled him. Edmund finally stopped and turned to look at Emma who stood at the base of the throne area.

“Thank you for protecting Zander and for the information you have provided” began Edmund. “Now if you all don’t mind, I would like to speak to my son in private. Felix, you stay.”

Emma bowed her head in respect to her liege and offered Zander a smile before making her way out of the throne room through its large oak doors. The two Royal Guards who flanked King Edmund also bowed to their liege before making their way to the exit. Now only Edmund, Zander and Felix remained in the throne room.

“What is it you want to talk to me about, father?” queried Zander, watching his father descent from the throne area to where he stood.

“It is about you,” replied King Edmund.

“About me?” queried Zander, arching his brow.

“I’m sending you to the Lake District to live with your older sister, Zahra for awhile.”

“Why?” questioned Zander, confused.

“Because it is no longer safe for you to remain in the capital,” answered Edmund to his oldest. “I can sense something dreadful is about to befall the capital and our family. The fact that you just got attacked is proof enough for me that you are no longer safe here. So I’m sending you down to the Lake District until I can find out who tried to kill you.”

Zander could see it in his father’s eyes that he was adamant in him going down to the Lake District. He knew that no amount of reasoning was going to get his father to change his mind when he has already made it up. As much as he wanted to protest, he knew that it would be a waste of his breath.

“When do I leave?” Zander asked.

“Tomorrow at first light,” began Edmund. “Felix and Lady Emma will accompany you.”

Zander nodded his head in understanding. Well, at least Emma will be coming, thought Zander to himself. It won’t be too bad then.

Xenos limped quickly through a wide and empty hallway before reaching his intended destination, the office of his master, Lord Malverys. The entrance to the office was guarded by two well-built men. Both men wore armour that was coloured maroon and gold. Upon seeing Xenos, they opened the door to the office, allowing him entry into it.

Xenos saw that his master was not alone in his office. He was with another gentleman, a gentleman that Xenos did not recognise. The stranger in the room with his master had short platinum blonde hair and was impeccably dressed in black. He also had purple coloured eyes which were devoid of emotion.

“Why are you here, Xenos?” questioned Lord Malverys, furrowing his brow.

“I have important news from the Palace, My Lord,” informed Xenos, bowing his head and trying to avoid eye contact with his master.

“What sort of news?” inquired Lord Malverys.

“King Edmund plans to move Crown Prince Zander away from Londarium and to the Lake District.”

“When does he plan to move him?” asked Lord Malverys.

“Tomorrow at first light,” answered Xenos.

“This is all your fault!” hissed Lord Malverys, turning to look at the stranger in the room. “If you had not sent your assassins after the prince, none of this would be happening. Now we have to strike before the prince gets out of our reach. By tonight!”

“Which will not be a problem,” stated the stranger, calmly. “Now that I know what my assassins are up against, I can better plan for our assault on the Palace. The palace will fall to you and your forces.”

“You better be right, Covic,” hissed Lord Malverys. “You better be.”

“I am,” replied Covic, calmly and without emotion. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an assault to plan.”

Instead of using the door to leave, the man named Covic left Lord Malverys’ office in a cloud of black smoke.

Lord Malverys turned to look at Xenos who still had the look of bewilderment etched on his face. “Prepare our men for combat,” ordered Malverys. “We march for the Royal Palace tonight.”

“As you command, Lord Malverys,” acknowledged Xenos, bowing his head before limping towards the office’s exit.

************************************************************

Chapter 4

Zander was having trouble falling asleep. No matter how many times the young Crown Prince changed positions, he just could not go to sleep. He came to the conclusion that the reason as to why he was not able to drift off into sleep was because his mind was too preoccupied with running through the events of the day. Zander’s already restless and sleepless night was made worst when he started to hear people screaming and shouting.

What’s going? muttered Zander to himself as he got out of bed and walked over to one the windows in his room. What Zander saw shocked him. There were countless number of people dressed in either full battle armour or cloaks walking through the Royal Palace’s courtyard with their swords drawn. The young Crown Prince could see that some members of the Royal Guard were laying face down on the ground in a pool of blood. He could not believe what he was seeing. 

Zander was snapped out of his stupor when he heard someone trying to get into his room. He rushed over to his bedside table to retrieve his short sword . The door to the Crown Prince’s room flung open just as he had reached his short sword and unsheathed it. But standing at the door was not an enemy, but Emma, his personal Royal Guard. Even in the poor light, Zander could she that she was not wearing her usual armour. She was instead wearing a simple leather tunic and pants. Her rapier was drawn and was stained with blood.

“Emma! What’s going on?” queried Zander, as Emma closed the door behind her.

“The Palace is under attack,” answered Emma.

“I know it’s under attack,” snapped Zander. “I can see that. But by who?”

“I don’t know,” replied Emma, shaking her head. “All I know is that I have to get you out of here.”

The shouting and screaming were getting louder as the moments passed. It was apparent that the mob was about to break into the Palace itself.

“Hurry up and change out of your night clothes and into something...peasant like” instructed Emma to Zander. “We need to get out of here before they break through our last lines of defence.”

Zander nodded his head and quickly left for the part of his room which contained all of his clothing. After a few moments, Zander came back wearing a simple brown coloured jacket over a white collared shirt. He also wore a pair of olive coloured pants which matched with his jacket. Strapped to the side of the pants, was a holster for Zander’s short sword.

“Good, now let’s get going,” commanded Emma, walking over to the door, sword in hand.

“We can’t just leave yet,” voiced out Zander to his personal guard. “What about my father?”

“His Highness’ Royal Guards are more than capable of protecting him,” Emma said, opening the door of Zander’s room slowly. “To add to that, your father is quite the formidable warrior himself. He’ll be fine. Right now, my responsibility is to get you to safety.”

Zander nodded his head, agreeing with Emma. “Lead the way.”

As Zander and Emma navigated their way through the halls of the Royal Palace, making their way towards the entrance of a secret passage which would lead them out of the Palace. The entrance to the secret passage was located in the basement of the Royal Palace. Along the way, the duo had dispatched many intruders that were trying to stop them.Many of the intruders Zander and Emma came across looked identical to the mysterious figures which ambushed them earlier in the day. However, unlike the mysterious figures they encountered earlier on, these figures did not disappear in a cloud of black smoke when defeated. Some of them, however, were different as they wore armour or a chainmail instead of cloaks. While navigating through the hallways, the duo also came across the bodies of fallen Royal Guards.

Zander and Emma were almost home free when they were surrounded by the intruders on all sides. Zander counted that there were probably surrounded by thirty intruders. There’s no way Emma and I can take them all down, thought Zander to himself, gripping his short sword’s hilt tighter.

“Get to the exit, Zander. I’ll try to hold them off for as long as I can,” declared Emma, raising her sword.

“I’m not going to let you die here,” expressed Zander, raising his short sword.

“This is not up for debate!” snapped Emma, shaking her head. “I took an oath to protect you. Now let me fulfil it!”

The intruders began to move in on Zander and Emma to seize them, their weapons drawn. They stopped, however, when they heard the sound of thunder fill the room. Zander, Emma and the intruders looked up to see dark clouds starting to form inside the hallway!

“Lightning magic,” muttered Zander aloud, recognising the telltale signs of lightning magic about to be cast.

Without warning, lightning bolts rained down from the dark clouds, hitting all of the intruders that surrounded Zander and Emma. The duo stood still in utter shock and amazement as all the intruders around them dropped dead like flies.

“Hohoho looks like we arrived just in time,” announced a familiar voice, coming from the first floor of the hallway Zander and Emma were in.

Zander and Emma looked up to see a smiling Felix. He was wearing his usual maroon coloured robes. The elderly mage also had with him a wooden staff that had a purple orb on its tip.

“Felix!” yelled Zander, smiling. “Thank the Goddess you arrived when you did.”

Felix using his magic, levitated himself down to the ground floor where Zander and Emma was. As soon as Felix touched down on the ground, the young Crown Prince hugged the elderly mage, happy to see another familiar face.

“How did you find us, Felix?” queried Zander, sheathing his short sword back into its holster.

“I followed your unique magical signature,” answered Felix, smiling.

“My unique magical signature?” said Zander, confused. “What’s that?”

“I’ll explain it to you another day,” began Felix. “Right now we have to get out of here while we still have the time.”

“Agreed,” echoed Emma, nodding her head. “We better get to the exit in the basement before more of these intruders come.”

“We best not go there,” voiced out Felix, shaking his head.

“Why not?” asked Zander, arching his brow.

“Because I have a bad feeling that that secret exit is not much of a secret anymore,” explained Felix.

“Then how do we get out?” queried Emma. “That’s the only secret passage that leads out of the Palace.”

“No, it is not,” revealed Felix to Zander and Emma. “There is another.”

“Where is it?” queried Zander

“The kitchen.” 


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378 Reviews


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Wed Aug 31, 2016 5:53 am
Omni wrote a review...



Yo yiz, here to review for the next part. This is just going to be my thoughts about what's going on, and won't be as detailed as my last review. I've already explained last review about the spelling and grammar issues If you have the same here, it should be easier to fix.

Chapter 2

Once again, there's just a lot of info dumping in this first paragraph. However, how you describe the shops is pretty vague. You say there's a lot of cool and unique shops, then right after you describe vague and not at all interesting shops.

I think having a guard to protect him is a double edged sword, honestly. On one hand, it's good for the obvious reasons, protection, representation, authority, but on the other hand, it's dangerous because what if someone wanted to steal from Zander and while this one guard may be able to fend off one bandit, but what about ten? It unfortunately paints a target on his head.

I would think Zander takes it as a point of accomplishment or dedication that he goes to this bakery every day. Perhaps if he corrected the guard when she says almost every day?

Hey, I was a psychic! Also, yes I don't believe the bandits would just let them have a conversation about an escape plan like that.

Chapter 3

You really like the word "unblemished" haha.

I would think that the king should be smart enough to realize the fact that planting a guard with Zander every time he leaves the castle paints a huge target on his head, even for common bandits or thieves.

You switched POVs on a dime and it caught me off guard. Perhaps letting the reader know that you're switching POVs when you do so would help. It's much less confusing when you do so.

With Covic, speaking calmly is speaking with emotion. Just so you don't contradict yourself.

Chapter 4

There's a lot of lightheartedness here that I enjoy. It's subtle, but the interactions between Emma and Zander are pretty nice.

However, I wish there was more action in this. I dislike having to read that Zander and Emma just took down soldier after solider. Where's the fun in that? I understand that they're skilled warriors, but numbers create advantages in these type of situations. I want more of them having to actually fight and struggle with who they're fighting. Both in chapter 2 and now here, the action was less than a paragraph, and here they were fighting not just two enemies, but an entire raiding party. This chapter could be long and drawn out, but instead I barely realized it ended because I was still wanting more action scenes.

This raid of the castle was disappointing, to say the least.

So, I understand why you put these three chapters together on YWS, because they're really small. Honestly, I think you can make them bigger just by having more details and descriptions. Lengthening the action scenes will definitely make Chapter 2 and 4 longer. You can even merge chapter 3 into chapter 2. It'll make it so you have one less chapter, but they'll be longer overall.

Hope this helped!




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Wed Aug 24, 2016 11:07 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Onward we go! You may find you get more reviews if you split the chapters into indvidiual submissions, as it's a lot to do at once. I think I'll mark down my thoughts in order as I go through a second read-through.

CHAPTER 2

The first paragraph uses the word "shops" a lot. You do a good job of painting the setting, but take a lot of words to do it, which is a common theme with the descrpitions through the story. You could condense all this down to make it feel less like a list, and more like an experience (also by using more vivid verbs and engaging multiple senses). Eg, "The streets of the market district bustled with activity. Vendors clamored for Zander's attention as he navigated through the throngs of bodies traveling in every direction. He passed stalls of every kind, bright with colorful fabrics or exotic fruit. The clanking of metal against metal drifted from armor sellers and mingled with the sizzle of sausage peddlers and baying of pack mules."

I had to pause at "croissants" and wonder if there's French influence in this culture? Have you thought much about the cultural contributions to your setting?

I love that he has a female guard. Initially, I was going to complain that it seems awfully unorthodox for him to wander out into the streets alone. Might be a good idea to mention the guard sooner. Personally, I'd even expect a full contingent of guards.

If Zander knows her name, and we're in her POV, we ought to get her name right away. I kept wondering about it, and then it didn't appear until Zander said it in dialogue, and then she went by Emma instead. That was a little strange to me.

The newcomers are very ominous. I was a little peeved that they so easily defeated the enemies when outnumbered. I think an even fight would be more realistic. Also, you didn't really describe how they won? It just says "managed to dispatch" them. You could be more descriptive here.


CHAPTER 3

I feel like you often pause to list out long sentences of description. Try to limit how much you list at once, and hone down your sentences to the bare essentials. I go by the rule of thumb that each sentence should do more than 1 job for you. For instance, show action AND setting, or plot AND character. An example here might be, "Upon returning to the Royal Palace, Zander and Emma marched straight to the white-marbled throne room. Midday light streamed through the windows and dappled the modest banners spread around the bare walls overhead." I used fewer words to say similar things. Some details are lost, and those could be sprinkled throughout the scene in a similar manner.

I was mildly disappointed that Zander didn't protest about being sent away. I think it works really well as-is if it's clear he's a submissive sort of personality, but I guess I expected some more fire from him based on how he's been portrayed so far. It felt more like you didn't want to write out the dialogue of the argument more than like Zander honestly didn't feel like arguing. Maybe if you developed this dynamic more between the characters? Show how Zander knows it's futile to argue (rather than simply tell).

Okay, I now see that I was totally mistaken on my first read-through. I did NOT see that there was a POV shift/scene change after the discussion with the king, and thought Zander had gone to see his magic master in his office, and accidentally eavesdropped on this sinister conversation between his mentor and his lackey. DUN DUN DUN, THE MENTOR IS BEHIND IT ALL! I had all sorts of things to say about this, but I've just realized Lord Malverys is a totally different character.

So, uh, allow me to regain my thoughts here. I'll admit that's not as cool as what I was just imagining :( That's my fault.

I guess, with that element of intrigue out of the picture, I don't find this scene gives us much. I appreciate that you want to show the bad guy's POV (in fact, I LOVE it), but again, we don't get much conrete info here. There's some sinister suggestions that something's about to go down, but we see that in the next chapter anyway. I would suggest either removing this section and letting it be a mystery, or give us something more to sink our teeth into, something unique to the baddie's perspective.


CHAPTER 4

I love the transition that he's having a restless night and then is woken by screams. I would suggest turning that last line into a real gut-punch--don't warm up into it. Also this is another great example of a place where a lot of sentences say the same or similar things, and you could cut out some words without losing meaning. For example, "Zander tossed and turned, mind whirling with the day's events. It must have been hours, but sleep wouldn't come. He was just about to give up and find some warm milk when a scream echoed outside."

Again I've used fewer words and more descriptive verbs to try and say a similar thing, but in a faster/snappier way. It takes practice, but try looking at each of your descriptions and start by eliminating a single sentence from each (or condense 2 sentences into 1).

Speaking of verbs, that might help you a lot. For instance, it's selling it a bit short to say the soldiers were "walking" through the courtyard. Charging, more like! The palace is under attack! Let's see some more urgency!

I like the turn of events. Very exciting, and we get to see action and magic.

I'm sorry this review is all over the place. I couldn't really focus in on any one topic, because I didn't want the review to be ginormous. I'm not sure I've done it justice. Breaking the chapters into individual submissions would allow me to go more in depth for each. See you in the next one soon.





I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken