Chapter 1
The ocean sends a shiver inside me as it washes ashore and crashes on the beach. I watch as the moon reflects across me, casting a long and lean shadow. Others have told me about the the beach at night, how beautiful the view can be, and tonight it's perfect. It relieves me of the pain when come here at night.
Some time ago I lost the love of my life, when I decided to let her leave me and vanish into thin air. Thinking it was the right thing to do I left her. It's only been a couple of months and I miss her, it seems too much to bear. I'm sure it was all a simple misunderstanding. I know it was for the best but its hard to keep it out of mind. I thought she was the one for me...
Sixteen at the time, I was desperate for love. It wasn't until I met her that my heart started to race. I had never felt that before. It was almost the end of school, somehow I knew I wouldn't find someone to look after and hold on to, all hope for love had been lost. It was a dreadful time for me back then. One that would be always be looked at as a terrible memory.
The first time I saw her she was like fireworks to me. I found out that her name was Summer, she was a transfer student from Paris, how lovely. Her mom had a job offer here in Georgia. It's hard to admit but I never expected her to be the quiet one, she was.Those big brown eyes and chestnut like hair were too beautiful for her to hide. I thought she was an angel, one who could heal and have the power to love. It was the best moment I could have ever experienced in a lifetime.
When I talked to her for the first time, I asked her out. I was expecting her to reject me ( with all of the other guys who were into her), but I figured I would give it a shot. I told her this and she thought it was the sweetest thing ever, can you believe it? The two of us set up a romantic picnic in the park that afternoon. I remember telling her I liked her sweater.
We started to set up the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We laid down the blue blanket and took out all of the food. There weren't many other people around, we had the whole park to ourselves, it was nice. Both of us were eating our dessert when she started the conversation. I expected it to be uncomfortable but it turned out to be calmer than I had thought it would be.
"It's nice isn't it Daniel?" she recalls to me, as she looks ahead.
"Its wonderful" I respond taking her hand in between mine.
I felt her pull back, I think she was nervous to be there with me.
"Your so beautiful" I mention looking into her soft blue eyes.
That's when I noticed tears that were streaming down her face .
"Summer what's wrong"? I didn't understand what I had done.
She explained to me how nervous she was. I sat back listening wondering what she meant. I don't remember what I did to make her fell this way. She told me it was her not me, apparently she didn't deserve me. I was stunned, and utterly heart broken. That was the night she walked away. I let her go and she was free from what she feared most me...
Coming out of thought and into the real world I realize where I am as the ocean splashes the shore. I'm heading up to the beach house when the stars shine above me. It think about how nice it would be if you could up there. A few seconds later a shooting star flies overhead, and i make a wish. I wished that I would soon be free from this broken heart....
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, Gill! I promised you I would review this, so I am.
Perhaps clarify that as I am unsure what names are suitable for Swedish people 
This is a great start.
Okay, I'm glad you added onto this, because when you first started out, it was more of a prologue. When you gave it more meat it was still a prologue. Now that I see you've added more a third time, the size is good.
I don't understand why it's italicized (which is what a prologue may do).
Is this gonna be consistent throughout the story or are you just doing this to prove a point or to make the chapter special? I suggest you don't italicize it, because you should only italicize something if it is
A) a thought
B) a flashback
C) A voice of some sort
But this is just a chapter so I don't think you really need the italics.
Okay moving on
"It relieves me of the pain, coming here." In this sentence you could reword it:
"It relieves of the pain when I come here." The original is a little run-on/not punctuated correctly. The latter sentence is a bit stronger.
You use good imagery but it's a bit cliché/over used. Like when you describe the beach:
"The ocean sends a shiver inside me as it washes ashore and crashes onto the sandy beach." I've read maybe a hundred times the beach doing this-be more original! Use your own wording! I know the best way to progress as a writer is to imitate other writers, but now I think (after I've learned a bit about you via chat) you could use your own wording to describe the same scene and claim it as your own.
Always write out numbers unless it's a phone #/address...XD 16 should be written out as sixteen.
Swedish people could be named Summer? Interesting...
"When I talked to her for the first time I asked her out." Comma after "time".
Work on punctuation, etc. A fellow reviewer once told me to step back and look at the story as if you were a reviewer. Us writers are gonna look out stories and think there's nothing wrong with them. The nitpicks betray us and we see nothing but perfection after editing. But we're still going to miss a lot. Trust me, I've been there.
So approach this chapter as a reviewer and look EVERTYHING over. This definitely needs to be edited a bit, but it's only nitpicks. Please tag me if you post more! I can't wait
Keep writing!
Hello, xxgilespie1. This is Margo, here for a review.
I like the meaning behind this story: see a person for who they are and not what they look like. You were able to portray this meaning clearly. You told the tale, simply and concisely. I like the drama of this, as well. The narrator starts out at a beach for the 'broken hearted' and the story then circles back to this scene. This cyclical plot scheme has a certain apeal to it. After reading the beginning (with the beach) the reader wants to know how this character ended up on the beach for the broken hearted. It is a good plot to use to grab the readers' attention.
I have a few suggestions on how you could improve this story. First of all, be sure to capitalize personal pronouns such as 'Summer' and 'I'. Next, I think you could develop this story a little further. My suggestions would be to add some dialogue during the picnic, and give more details about the nature of Summer and the narrator's relationship. Finally, I found that there were a few details of this story that didn't make sense to me. How is it that after the narrator tells Summer she is beautiful, she calls him a monster?! That doesn't seem like the normal reaction of a teenage girl to me! I don't think being physically attracted to someone is so bad. Telling someone they are beautiful isn't bad either! Make your reader beleive that the narrator really is the monster he claims to be. Maybe have him brag to his friends about what a hot girlfriend he has, or have him ignore everything that Summer says (so that he never actually gets to know what she is like). This way, the message you are trying to portray, comes across with a powerful punch. Don't state what the message of your story is, write enough so that the reader can figure it out.
Writing is a long journey! You have a beautiful way of describing scenes and feelings. Never stop rewriting because a good work is never finished.
#Rugido Sol
Hello gill, Wolf here for a review. (Please excuse any grammatical/spelling errors for I am on a phone).
Alright, I really did love this. Even though it was quite short and simple, it was very touching. Though there are a few nitpicks that I have. First off, there are quite a few spots where 'I' is not capitalized like it should be and in the leaf paragraph, the letter u is used to replace you. I can understand this when speaking with a few friends, but really in actually writing a story, doing that should be avoided. Finally, in the end of the second paragraph, it says:
I don't see why the 'I'm Daniel' has to be added in there. It just seems forced in there for the sake of the reader knowing what his name is. Maybe use some dialogue between him and the girl (never caught her name) in his memories and tell the name that way.
You descriptions are really nice, and I really like the story built upon their relationship. Towards the beginning I thought this would have something to do with the ocean since he thinks about how some people say it's dangerous to be out on the beach at night, but nothing happens and that is still stuck in my mind.
One last technical thing, I notice a lot of sentences are started the same way. Most start with 'I' or 'she' and that gets kind of boring to read after a while. Maybe try to spice it up and bit with dependent and independent clauses. Alrighty, have a happy review day and Keep Writing!
~Wolfare
Thanks for the review it's wonderful to have you on our team
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
First of all, I'm wondering why this is typed out in italics. Italics are usually saved for dream sequences or for thoughts that characters think. So I find it a bit strange to see an entire chapter written out in italics. Just thought I'd mention that.
This is a fragment. I'm usually not one to nitpick on fragments because they can actually work well if written correctly. However, this one just doesn't work. What is slapping the water onto the sandy beach? You can always add something in front of this sentence so it'll make sense. Something like "The waves slap water onto the sandy beach". You don't have to use that exact sentence of course, that's just an example. But I do think that you should either put something like that at the beginning or connect it to another sentence. Otherwise it sort of sticks out like a sore thumb.
I'm guessing that Summer is the girl's name. It should be capitalized
Wow, I feel really bad for Daniel! He had a wonderful girl and was so happy. Then it all changed just like that. Summer was the first girl he'd ever loved and here she ripped his heart out.
I agree with Raven, your descriptions are on point. I like that you took the time to describe everything. This is rather short, which isn't a bad thing, but we get a good look at everything. There's a good balance here between description and storytelling. I give you two thumbs up for that!
A few things I found in here that I must point out though. There are times when you don't capitalize 'I'. Keep in mind that 'I' is always capitalized. I think I only found this about four times, but that's enough for me to point out. Also, there are a lot of sentences in here that just seem a bit awkward when read. My suggestion to you is to go back through and reread the chapter. You'll be able to point out all the awkward sentences. I know you're a good reader and you'll find them
Overall I think you did a good job with your storytelling here. The imagery as well as the emotions really gave this that something extra. You really made me feel for your MC and you have me hoping that everything works out for him.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks so much
Hello!
Raven here for a review!
I would like to say: I love your story. The description is wonderful! I ponder... will you be giving description advice in the forums? However, I find plenty of grammar mistakes, so I shall review about that! Instead of gushing praises.
Nitpicks!
Now, I love the sentence you have here. Just one nitpick... Beginning of sentences should always be capitalized, no buts.
Hm... This part shows something of your character's personality (to me, at least). It's showing that your character could disregard what other people say. However, my criticism for this line is the "I" needs to be capitalized.
The last paragraph you had some grammar errors, but if you read it over. I'm sure you'll find it all.
Thoughts!
Your poor, poor, MC. Stuck in love with a girl that left them.
I also have some questions. What is the name of your MC? What's your MC's age? What does your MC's love interest look like?
That would make your story a bit longer, and more enjoyable if you answered those questions.
Keep on typing!
Raven,
thanks
it was a wonderful review!