Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The moment I sank into the soft, leather interior of the vehicle, Rena let out a delighted gasp.
Her pale blue eyes looked at me, bright with admiration, “You. Look. Stunning.” She breathed.
I was aware of my self-consciousness under her gaze, and shrugged lightly, glancing down at the outfit myself, “The top could have been a bit less revealing.” I murmured, adjusting it up a bit higher on my chest. Rena had always been so perfect. She was always as pretty as she was humble; truly genuine. It was easy to love her, even with her occasional wild side.
She waved her hand as though she was swatting at a pesky fly, starting the car off down the road, “Trust me, it’s perfect. Besides, I did you and Dominic a favor, whether you know it yet or not. ” Rena flashed me a playful grin at the mention of my boyfriend. Her expression wavered slightly as she looked at my face, “Wait a minute, you didn’t put on any of the makeup I gave you?”
I grimaced, looking out the window to avoid her questioning stare, “I woke up late. I didn’t have time.” I murmured. It wasn’t entirely a lie...
Rena rolled her eyes, “It’s alright, I have some in my purse. You don’t need it, but everyone always has to do something a bit special to themselves on their birthday.” She insisted as she parked in the school lot.
The bell rang just as we walked through the school doors, and I waved before we parted ways. ‘We could have been on time if I hadn’t needed makeup.’ I thought, turning down the hall, stopping at the first door on the right. I braced myself as I opened the door, wondering if I could slip in unnoticed.
“Ms. Stellar,” the slender, dark man said from across the doorway, “a bit late, aren’t we?” He pointed out, looking at me with piercing brown eyes.
Oops.
I shut the door behind me, trying not to meet any of the watching eyes as I sat quietly in my desk.
“Hey Nyx,” A whisper came from my right. I looked over in the direction of Cass at the sound of my name.
Her round eyes looked me over, “Happy Seventeenth. You look nice.” She commented, brushing back some of the small, blonde curls that had fallen over her smiling face.
I shifted my weight in my seat, “Oh, um thanks.” I replied to her, although my eyes were scanning the room for Dominic. His desk was empty.
As though on cue, the door at the front of class opened, revealing Dom himself. I could feel the heat burn inside of me when his dark gaze met mine through brown strands of hair.
His tall figure walked over, grazing my shoulder with his hand as he gracefully went over to his desk in the next row, two seats behind mine.
Dr. Holmes flashed an irritated glance over his shoulder from where he stood in front of the chalkboard. “Class starts at seven ‘o’ clock, people. Get with the schedule.” He breathed as he continued to write on the board, his chalk meeting the surface a bit more aggressively than before.
As the class went on, I found myself beginning to nod off. It’s not that I can proudly say I’ve never fallen asleep in class before, but this time it was impossible to evade. With every blink it got harder to open my eyes again until finally darkness overcame me.
When I opened my eyes, I let out a rough cough. Every time I breathed, the air tore at my lungs.
I realized that the haze in my vision was not due to my awakening. It was smoke, and it was everywhere. The breath caught in my tightening throat as the situation dawned on me. Was the school on fire? If so, why hadn’t anyone woken me up?
I struggled to sit up but something restricted any movement I tried to make. Panic flared in my mind.
Peering through the thick billowing smoke, I noticed something didn’t seem right. I realized that I was lying in a bed, bound to it like a frog for dissection. Was this- a dream?
“H-help!” My mouth pronounced the word but no sound came from my dry throat. Through the haze, the same red flashing light shined through the surrounding blackness. The smoke poured relentlessly into the room but with it I saw no fire.
Movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention and it took everything I had to crane my neck around to see what it was.
In that moment, everything else faded. My green eyes were met with a blue gaze so dark, it could almost be mistaken as black. A dark feeling leaked into my chest, sending a paralyzing chill through the depths of my core.
I was about to try and call for help again, to find any way to escape the impending feeling, when a dull pain prodded my side. The energy left my body, swept away by an unknown source. As my mind began to shut down, I tried to see the face of the presence in the room, but my vision quickly cut off.
“Nyx. Hey, Nyx. Dr. Holmes just called your name.”
My body lurched upright in my seat, and I gulped in the fresh air, my pulse racing under my heated skin. My eyes darted to the eyes looking at me from each desk, then to the pair at the front of the room, and stopped on Cass whom was looking at me a bit surprised.
“Are you on drugs or something? I’ve tried waking you up for the past half hour now.” Cass murmured, going silent as the teacher cleared his throat.
“Glad you could join us again, Ms. Stellar.”
I turned my attention up front, finding that Dr. Holmes’ voice was just as bitter as his expression. I wiped my damp hands on my jeans, trying not to focus too hard on the dull throb in the back of my head,“Oh, s-sorry.” I stuttered, blinking away at the lingering image of the blue eyes that had burned into the backs of my eyelids.
Dr. Holmes’ lip twitched lightly at my statement, “Me too.”
It looked as though he had had more to say, but the shrill ringing of the bell dismissing class cut through the tension. I grabbed my bag and hastily got to my feet, trying to stay low as I made a move for the door.
“Not today, Ms. Stellar.”
I held back the urge to groan in frustration of being retained, and slowly turned on a heel. “Please, just call me Nyx.”
Dr. Holmes sat down in the swivel behind his wooden desk, looking up at me from some papers through the corner of his left eye, “I won’t tolerate foul conduct in my classroom. I expect that you’d understand what I’m getting at, Ms. Stellar.” He scolded, speaking in syllables.
I opened my mouth to speak but a strong, confident hand on the back of my shoulder stopped me midway.
Dominic stood at my side, looking straight into the gaze of the professor,“I am sure she does Dr. Holmes. I’ll keep an eye on her so she doesn’t do it again. We’ll be going now, it is her birthday after all.” He concluded, following close behind while nudging me out of the room before either the professor or I could say anything else.
When we got farther down the hall, he stopped, grabbing my arm gingerly, pulling us both away from the crowd of students shuffling to get to their next class.
“Are you okay?” He asked, his hand brushing my cheek. “You were thrashing in your sleep.”
I nodded, keeping my attention to his face rather than the warmth emanating from the closeness of his legs as they touched mine, “Yes, just a bad dream or something.”
Or something.
“Oh, okay then.” Dominic replied. His lips parted into a soft smile across his tan face, revealing two rows of perfectly white teeth, “I can’t wait to give you your present.” He beamed, leaning in closer.
I returned the smile, my heart beating against my chest at the glint in his eyes, “You didn’t have to get me anything.”
He chuckled softly, “Of course I did.” Dominic stated matter-of factually, leaning down.
I honestly had no idea how he belonged to me, or I to him. Everything about him seemed so perfect, so unreal as his mouth grazed mine.
His lips were firm against my own, both experienced and reassuring. The strong contact made me feel safe.
I pulled away, noticing that the hall had started to grow rather silent, “We should probably get to class. The halls are almost empty now.” I suggested, not once breaking contact with his amber orbs.
Dominic followed my glance, looking around at the empty halls. He turned slowly back to me, “So it would seem.” His voice had dropped half an octave, as though there was some sort of malice behind his words.
I was going to ask him what was wrong, but a powerful blow from behind knocked the breath out of my lungs. My eyes peered up at Dom in shock as he forcefully pinned me up against the lockers. His large, warm hand curved around the girth of my neck, closing in ever so tightly. “W-what are you,” I couldn’t even finish my sentence through his fierce grip.
Dominic pressed a finger to my lips with his free hand for a minute, “Sh,” he whispered, reaching around himself. As his hand came back into view, something was concealed in the grasp of his fingers.
My heart stopped. The glint of the dagger in his hand was undeniable. My eyes scanned the halls. Where was everybody? I tried to squirm out of his grasp, but he was too strong. My lungs were screaming for air and I began to feel the burning sensation of bruising along the base of my neck.
Dominic observed the blade in a taunting kind of way, his gold eyes looking up at me as a smile spread from cheek to cheek.
The smile that had made me feel so safe only moments ago suddenly made my body quiver.
The hand wielding the weapon pulled back, ready to release whenever he wished to do so. Through an eager laugh, Dominic revealed the extent of his present with, “Happy Birthday.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Salutations
Your story is off to a good start. I've been reading second and third chapters the whole day long, and I've noticed that some of those maintain your attention with less effort than others. This chapter falls under the first category - hence my statement.
My reasoning behind it is the fact that I don't have to stop reading to point out an error; each paragraph is seamlessly connected to the next, so the reader blissfully continues on their way. Where plot is concerned, the story itself is much the same as every other teen romance I have ever read, which is why characterisation is so important. Like I said to one of my friends, if all else fails, make sure your story has unforgettable characters. So, do just that, and you'll be fine.
In fact, I would have commented on how, thus far, your protagonist is lacking substance - her boyfriend not being much of a round character either - the best friend being the typical BFF with attitude, and the teacher being either grumpy or very nice (in this case, it's the former), but then your dream went and threw all of that out of the window.
So, I must now say that I am intrigued. Just remember, while things like that may regain the reader's attention, you mustn't make it too "out of this world" if you still want there to be a certain sense of normality, since I didn't get the impression this was an adventure novel/la.
Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck. May you have a pleasant Review Day!
Hey Genesis,
Wow. Another great chapter! I don't think I have any corrections, except when you said, "He chuckled softly, “Of course I did.” Dominic stated matter-of factually, leaning down." I think it should have been "matter-of-factly" but that sounds awkward too... I'm not sure, maybe just check that?
I loved how her nightmares were becoming more intense, because she never usually falls asleep in class and she couldn't wake up when she was having the nightmare. I also love how you make Nyx's nightmares seem so real. (Did I mention that I really like the name Nyx? Well, I do.) Also, that twist at the end was great! You made Dominic into such a likeable person in a very short time, so the reader feels like he/she trust him, but then- Bam! He goes into killing mode. Nicely done. I do want to know his motives, though. Can't wait for the next chapter!
-Falco-
Thank you! That made my night. I'm glad you enjoy it. All questions will be answered as the story goes on!