My bladder seems to fill all at once. One minute I’m dancing with Niamh and a group of guys to some song that isn’t half bad and the next I’m running, or stumbling, to the toilets.
Niamh’s reapplying her eyeliner when I resurface from the toilet cubical.
“Better?”
I grin, flicking her with water from the sink. “That was a close call.”
“My legs were going as fast as they could.” She laughs. “I was staggering all over the place.”
A couple of girls enter the toilets but that doesn’t stop Niamh re-enacting her walk here. She waves her hands all over the place as she tries to keep her balance.
“God I’m drunk!”
I grab onto her arm and push her out into the corridor. I’m about to steer her towards the dance floor when I spot a group of girls coming our way. I stop, trying to decide whether I know any of them or not. I think the girl in front might be familiar when she comes to a halt in front of me. She’s chewing on gum, her mouth open, and her eyes are painted dark like mine.
“Yes?” I say, raising my eyebrows at her. She’s blocking my way, the corridors being narrow, and I want her to move.
“Are you Sadie Parker?”
Her voice is almost as annoying as the woman on the TVs and I flinch as the sound grates my ears.
“Uh, yeah. Why? What’s it to you?”
My reply seems to anger the girl and she closes her mouth so she can press her bright red lips together.
“You need to keep your dirty little hands off my boyfriend.”
I can’t help laughing. “Excuse me?”
She slams her hands into her hips, as do the two girls behind her. “You heard me.”
“Back off, bitch,” Niamh says, stepping forwards so she’s next to me.
The girl laughs, as do her friends, and I wonder if they’re all connected by a single brain cell.
“Or what?”
I’m about to reply, something sarky and cruel, when I feel a hand collide with my face. The impact stings and I stumble back into the wall. My back collides with the concrete, knocking all the breath out of me, but it only takes a split second before Niamh and I are lunging straight at her. Niamh’s got locks of her blonde hair wrapped around her fist and I return the slap. The girl staggers back into her friends, dragging Niamh with her by her dress. I don’t let up with the attack, aiming another hit to her chin. My knuckles smart with the punch until another pain makes me drop to my knees. One of her friends has gotten around Niamh, who’s taking on two girls, to hit me from behind. My head’s pounding with the sound of screaming and music and blood and it only ceases when I feel myself being lifted up from the floor.
Strong hands hold me back as I scream at my attacker, fighting against my binds by aiming useless kicks that don’t have an impact on anything. I open my eyes to see Niamh being held back by another of the bouncers. Her face is red with rage and she’s kicking wildly like me. The girl who started everything is crying on the floor, holding the side of her face. The other two girls are being held back by unfamiliar guys. Boyfriends or passers-by, I’m not sure. Their faces are just blurs as the world starts to spin dangerously in front of my eyes.
“What the hell!” I screech, feeling disorientated. “Let go of me.”
“Riot.”
Spencer’s voice makes me go limp and I stop trying to fight him.
“I’ll take her outside. You take Niamh to the first aid room to be patched up. As with the others. Don’t leave them alone together,” he says to the bouncer holding Niamh.
I feel sick when I hear Spencer’s words. The alcohol’s begging to make a reappearance, burning the back of my throat.
“Niamh!”
“She’s fine,” Spencer says as he drags me outside into the smoking area. We’re met with curious looks as he leads me to the far end of the patio and I swallow hard. “Just a scratch. The other girl got off worse.”
I feel myself smiling even though it hurts when I do. “Good.”
“Riot.”
I haven’t noticed until now but there’s another guy lingering behind me. He’s tall, maybe six foot, and his eyes are shining grey under the exterior lights fitted to the red bricked building.
My heart stops beating for a moment as I sit down on the wall Spencer has guided me to. I must be seeing things.
“You’re lucky we got to you when we did,” Spencer says, drawing my gaze reluctantly back to him.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, spitting onto the floor. I can feel hair in my mouth and I don’t know if it’s mine or someone else’s.
“Yeah,” Spencer replies. “You were really going for her.”
Rage boils in my blood again and I kick the wall hard. “She started it.”
“I know. There were some guys passing when it all kicked off. They called us straight away. ”
I raise my eyebrows in shock. “So I’m not going to get kicked out?”
He shakes his bald head. “No.”
A smug smile plays on my lips. “Good. And her?”
“She’ll be banned for at least a month.”
“Good,” I repeat. “This place could do without dirty liars like her.”
Spencer raises an eyebrow, the one with the silver bar through it. “I’m not even going to ask how that started.”
I laugh, sounding a little crazy. “I should have slept with her boyfriend. It would have given the ass whopping I gave her more of a meaning.”
He shakes his head again. “What am I supposed to do with you, Riot?”
I shrug as I spot cigarette smoke swirling into the air from behind me. The guy’s still there.
“Well?”
“You’re supposed to pretend this never happened,” I say with a wink as I sway in my seat. The adrenaline’s wearing off and I feel drunk again.
He sighs as he gets up. “I’ll send Niamh out when she’s fixed up.”
“Tell her ‘well done’, from me, yeah?”
“Tell her yourself.” He chuckles. “But I mean it, Riot. No more fighting.”
I raise my hand. “Scouts honour.”
It’s only when he’s gone that I can really feel how cold it is outside and how hard my cheek is throbbing. She got a good shot at me.
“Riot, ‘ey?”
I turn abruptly from examining my knuckles to look at the guy still standing next to me. My eyes definitely aren’t playing tricks on me. No matter how drunk I am, I can recognise Chace Milligan anywhere. It’s what a three year crush makes sure of.
“Uh, yeah,” I stammer. Then, getting a hold of myself. “It’s a nickname.”
“I guessed,” he replies, sitting down beside me.
My stomach does a series of flips and I smile to myself.
“Is this how you earned it?” he asks, jerking a thumb back towards the club.
I nod. “It’s always a riot when I’m around. Apparently.”
He smiles and my pulse quickens. My ears are still buzzing but I strain to hear every word he says.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t fight because I want to,” I explain, my words a little slurred from the alcohol. “I fight because I have to. Some people don’t seem to like me.”
“Like that girl,” he offers.
I nod. “I don’t even know her. I’ve seen her in the club, like, once before, but that’s it.”
“Want a smoke?”
I gaze down at the cigarette packet he’s offering me, confused by the sudden change in conversation. I only smoke when I’m stressed. Fighting induces stress, right?
“Thanks,” I reply.
He holds out his lighter and I spark up. I watch the smoke dance in the night air for a second before I take a drag.
“So, your real name is?”
I blink hard and breath out deeply. “Sadie.”
“Pretty name.”
I can’t help blushing.
“It means princess.”
I raise my eyebrows at him. “Oh yeah?”
He nods but his dark hair doesn’t move from where he’s slicked it back with gel. “Yeah.”
We sit in silence for a moment, both of us finishing up with our cigarettes before we flick the butts to the ground at the same time. He smiles at me.
“Well it’s nice to meet you, Sadie. I’m Chace.” He says the last part with a laugh. It’s pretty darn obvious who he is. You’d have to live under a rock not to recognise Britain’s youngest up and coming movie star. My stomach flips again.
“It’s nice to meet you too.”
I find my eyes drawn to his mouth, my heart beating fast, but I frown when I notice a cut on his bottom lip.
“Did I do that?” I ask, pointing to his mouth and feeling suddenly guilty.
He chuckles. “Yeah. Your elbow did.”
I start biting on my thumb nail. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright,” he replies. “It’s not like I have a film premiere to go to tomorrow or anything.”
A piece of nail slides awkwardly down my throat. “Oops.”
“Honestly, it’s fine,” he insists. “My latest movie is an action flick, so I guess it adds to the atmosphere, or something.”
I’m pretty sure he’s lying so I press my lips into a line. There’s no way I’m going to tell him that I know all about his new film. I’d been planning on going to see it the day it came out. Still am.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out. I’ve got a new text from Niamh telling me to meet her out the front of the club.
Chace is watching me when I look back up. If I wasn’t so drunk then the conversation wouldn’t have even lasted this long.
“You’ve got to go?” he asks.
I nod. I honestly don’t want this moment to end but I know that Niamh’s waiting for me and besides, the cold is starting to make my teeth chatter.
“Well it was nice to meet you.” His smile seems genuine and for a moment I question whether I could hang around with him a bit longer. My legs decide for me though and after a wobbly moment, I’m standing up. Everything spins and I blink to set my sight straight. It works and I open my eyes to see the world is still again.
“See you around,” I say.
“Yeah,” he says with a smile. I try and take a mental picture. His smile is so much better in real life. “You will.”
***
I find Niamh at the bus stop we were at earlier. The bottle of vodka’s still there but I make no attempt to take a swig from it. I’ve drunk enough for tonight.
“Dude!” she says with a hiccup.
“You got kicked out?” I ask.
She nods, her hair even more wild than before the fight. “You got lucky with Spencer. My guy was an ass.”
I sit down next to her. Her lipstick’s smudged and she’s got scratches on her cheek. “Oh.”
She laughs. “Apparently I made things worse by going for round two in the first aid room.”
“Niamh!”
“I know, but I couldn’t let that cow get away with hitting you from behind. If you’re going to fight, then you should fight fair.” She runs a finger along the scratches. “She’ll think twice before she tries anything again.”
I shake my head, the image of Chace’s smile on my mind. “We’ve really got to stop doing this.”
Author's note - This is rated for language and fighting. Naughty, Sadie.
So I think I really need help with the fight scene. It all seems a bit list like at the moment but with Sadie being drunk I didn't want it to be too polished. She's not one hundred percent aware of what's going on around her so I wanted it to be a bit rushed, like it's all happening at once.
Secondly I'd like to know what you think of Chace. This is his first appearance and it's safe to say it won't be his last, so I want to know your first impressions of him.
Thanks for reading!
xDudettex
End of chapter
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140,130 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Stella back for more!
Okay, so my main issue here probably is with the club. I'm finding a lot of it unlikely. First, that the bouncers are so nice to them. Secondly that there's a first aid room. Bouncers are hired for their ability to be nasty to drunk people and get them out of the club when this kind of thing happens. It's their job. And I'm disinclined to believe they would be so polite to Sadie. And first aid room? That exists?
I do like your description of the fight, actually, it seems drunken and stupid enough. Except it seems out of context with what seems like a rather sober Sadie in other parts of the chapter. She isn't being consistent.
Then meeting Chace... Chace, to be honest, right now seems a little... underwhelming. Maybe that's because of Sadie's reaction. She barely seems surprised that he's talking to her, it's just as if he's just some hot guy outside the club and not, you know, Chace Milligan. There's no gushing on her part- that's not a problem, but there's not even any thought of gushing. While Chace is a pretty cool dude by himself, I want to see Sadie internally screaming and going "omgomgomgomg". I know I would be, and I'm unconvinced by that part of it.
So yeah, nice job but overall I found this part to be that little bit unbelievable.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Yo Dudette,
It's me reporting in for duty.
I liked the second part of this chapter, but I disliked the first. I'm finding myself having a difficult time putting logic behind my impulses.
Let me put it to you like this: It looked like a story and it smelled like a story. This is bad. I was reading an archetype of a typical teenage rebel drinking to try to be cool. I felt no character specific change, and Sadie seemed the same before she drank as she did after she drank. She seemed to be a perfectly competent narrator at all stages. Besides, how long does it take to show a teenager getting drunk? Cull, sharpen, and get real.
On top of this, Sadie's nineteen, but you're giving her the treatment of a fifteen year old. She's still squealing about her celebrity crushes with her friend. She shows not the slightest sign of any emotional maturity whatsoever. This makes it very difficult for me to build any sort of emotional connection with her. She's done nothing to warrant my attention, and certainly nothing to warrant my respect.
David Corbett writes that any good character should have four ingredients: A driving need or ambition, a secret, a contradiction, and vulnerability. The need creates internal character conflict. The secret would change the character's social standing if found out and therefore gives her something very personal to share with a reader. The contradiction interests the reader. The vulnerability makes us care (if we have a conscience). I suggest you try out his model as it would help your characters immensely.
The second part of the chapter feels more authentic. Still not perfect, but I liked the bar fight. Action is always great, and this was interesting. As far as Chace goes, he seems a good character. Real arrogant, but a little more reasonable than Sadie and Niamh. He's definitely more relatable, but I think even he could do with more development.
Okay, that's it for now. Hope it helped.
Yoda
Dudette, hey there! I am here once again. lol, you must be tired reading three reviews from me. Right? xD!
I am going to keep it short.
So this was some chapter. I really liked it. The fight was actually interesting. You showed some imagery as well as the descriptions and this was what I had been stressing in the last chapter. You wanted this to read like random scenes to show Sadie wasn't in her senses and it showed. So, I can't really think of anything you might have to work on in this chapter.
Now I understand why she is called Riot and she really deserves it. You showed her wild side which was actually interesting. I don't have much to say about this but I can say for sure I liked it.
You want to know what I think of Chase and I'll say that he seemed to be some sort of apparition. The reason I am saying this is because the way you introduced him, told us about him he seemed like a dream or ghost and not a real live person. It didn't seem like he was there for real. Maybe it was because the way Sadie reacted-she seemed surprised but not surprised enough since she met her crush. If it were me, I'd go nuts. I know you can't really make her act like a stupid girl and go all gaga over him in front of him, but still she could have some thoughts which shows that she 'really' likes him. Besides that, you could give us more info about how he looks, how he acts, stands, etc. This would give a real image of him-I could then believe he was there indeed.
Another thing that really bothers me while reading this novel is that it's full of dialogues. It's obvious you intend to give your characters a strong voice, want to define them more by what they say than what they do. But if you scroll down the document you'll see more of dilaogues and less of other things. I need you to balance them out. You need to cocnentrate on your descriptions as well. Besides that, the thoughts of Sadie really need to be worked on. I need to get into her brain more often.
It was a good read, and I really hope this review helps.
~Mia
Anna. *nods politely*
Skinsington here. Nice to be of your acquaintance.
So this was a really awesome chapter. I loved how you sloshed a load of action in because it made the whole thing fun and suspenseful. I can see the plot progressing now too and I'm really glad we've met Chace because I'm all excited to see what's going to happen between him and Sadie. You asked to let you know what I thought about Chace and overall, it's a thumbs up. I've got to disagree a bit with Punk when she mentioned Chace's public image. I love how he's, like, a movie star who smokes and is attracted to girls who are involved with fights because it implies that despite his squeaky clean public image, he has a rebellious style.
One thing I will say though is that if you are going to have Chase be a bit rebellious, make sure he only is rebellious in private because not only will it add more depth to his character, but it'll be more realistic because if a famous guy, especially a young one, acted like a complete rebel who smokes and is involved with girls who have a tendency to start riots, he ain't gonna be popular for long. As fun as they are, rebellious celebrities struggle to survive in the public eye. *cough* Pete Doherty. Basically, make sure that if Chase is going to be a bit of a bad boy, show how that side of him is different to his 'public image'.
As for zee fight scene, pfffffft, you worry too much. The fight scene in the first chapter of S&S: that's what you call list-like. I got the impression that everything happened quickly and confusingly on Sadie's part, which as I found out in your author's note was what you intended. What you did really well with it as well, methinks, is the transition into the fight scene and when it all came to an end. What I mean is that Sadie didn't just randomly get hit and the fight didn't just finish. There was shouting and what not as they were pulled away. So basically, GO ANNA.
Something I did find a little unrealistic though was the aftermath of Sadie's fight. Not that I own a nightclub myself but surely, after being involved in a fight, Sadie would've been kicked out (for the night at least). True, she didn't start the fight, but she damn well participated. xD I mean, she could've easily just walked away or left and reported the girl who'd just whacked her (she obviously would've rather eaten a cat than ever do that considering it's Sadie, but you get what I mean.) On top of that, she hardly sounds like she's got a good track record with this place as it is. With those elements combined, I find it a little hard to believe that the other girl would be banned for a month while Sadie could come back tomorrow if she wanted to.
Also, like Punk said, I've got to wonder how Sadie and Niamh can get into a club when people like Chase, zee move star, go there. I always assumed they went to, like, famous people clubs that are really expensive and not the size of a living room, as you described in the last chapter. xD I know it's important that Chase is in the club so that Sadie can meet him, so don't get me wrong and feel like you have to scrap anything. Just try and come up with a few reasons why someone like Chase would be in a club like this. For example, maybe he wants to get away from all of the celebrity filled clubs in London, maybe he knows the person who owns the club (or someone who has something to do with the club), or maybe he just wanted to get out of town to go to somewhere more private and so he's visiting the clubs there. I know you can come up with something! :3
But anyways, nit-picky things aside, I loved this chapter and it's wonderful wonderful violence. I think things are going to turn very interesting now that Chase is in the picture and I can't wait to see what happens with Sadie, Niamh and everyone else who's involved/will be involved in this novel!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Alright, I’m back for more.
I just want to say that the fight scene was awesome. The fact that you got Sadie’s hands dirty was enough to make me launch away the stereotypical character thing I was talking about in the beginning of this chapter. Also, I failed to mention this before but I like the “Riot” nickname Spence gave her. I don’t know if you know this but I quite like myself nicknames, they’re lots of fun and I try to give one to all my characters but it’s hard…
Anyway, whoo we get to see Chace! I suspected he’d be crawling around the club preying on a Sadie at some point sooner or later. Suspicions, correct. Now, I find her reaction to Mr. Heartthrob quite unrealistic. It’s like a dream and she's quite open with everything. Then again, she wouldn't want to not speak and risk him getting away. Also, I mean, would a famous person really offer just anyone a smoke? What about his publicity and public image? Also, you say he’s quite famous in Britain so even if these girls were in another country, say, America, he would still be known to the general public – especially the younger generation, no so why is he at a club, out in the open and stuff. I don't really get that part. Also, does he really want to get involved with someone who just caused a club ‘riot’? I actually wanted him to give Sadie a cold shoulder at first and it to be her who possibly talks to him first, like, “Omg. Can I has an autograph? 8D” Then he can ask about her name and stuff. Well, that’s how I pictured it. Then again, I don’t know much about Chace and his character. Maybe he’s just like that.
Another skeptical comment by me, (Sorry, bare with me) how is it that Sadie is able to get into a club that is visited by a famous person? I thought famous people usually went to famous clubs that were kind of hard to get into... So there, I have a lot of doubts about this Chace guy so far.
By far my favorite line. xD I lol’d at this.
Overall, I did like reading this chapter and I was quite excited to see Chace and I still am quite interested in seeing where the two go from here and how they’ll end up helping each other or something in the future. I feel like this meeting was that of consequence and something big is going to happen next…that’s my hunch though. I could be wrong. >.>
Anyway, you know where to find me if you have questions. Let me know when you post the next part! ❤
-Pink